noon 

the hand that stirs the pot 

rules the world 

00.32

i can smell petrol 

the fib

301214   22.55

Lager is having her signature throat virus 

poured into my drains 

23.43

boxing day, Jesus gone ... 

11.48

Im with Davision

still grieving for Scarey ... 

13.30

nobody will ever love 

Scarey's arsehole the way that she did ... 

1.09am 

nb she started grieving for Scarey 

from the moment she met him

n therefore the grieving is expected 

to go on for another year ... until February 2016 

thanks Pa

oh dear I hope Sunny is not taking on too much onto his young shoulders ...

Joyce and I were worried because of how ben looked

he had shrunk in height like an old person

and looked extremely unwell.

Not all aids patients are drug addicts

the combination of both and his general lifestyle puts him at risk

Joyce and I both felt that he might not live a very long life from here

unless he manages to go into recovery.

All I can do is make sure i have said what i wanted to say

and done what i can

so that i will not regret anything should something happen to Ben

like there are things i regret that i wish i could say to my mother.

It sounds like you havent seen Ben recently or you would probably feel the same.

Have a good Norfolk do you go fishing there ?

lots of love Lucie

2pm 

Lager had me harassed outside by actors : 

to get me banned from somewhere , 

toyshop, vintage unmusical, 

on the radio - can't sing, 

from Liverpool to Lewes ( football talk )  ... 

13.06

Lager is having her signature throat virus 

sprayed into my floorboards 

13.40

she says she is going to bork my friendship with Abi 





Dev i was meaning to say we both have issues with our ex's 

and have you done all you could to save it 

like going to couple counselling ? 

11.16

swinging between over-sexed 

and under-sexed 

1.06am 

it seems to be raining 

with no cloud overhead ... 

261214

9pm

Christmas can do funny things to you emotionally 

like you're all hyped up and then back to normal the next day 

like as if the magic has gone. 

the 5th of January is said to be the worst day of the year 


Scrabble stories : 241214 

with Abi 

bad, boys, fed, feud, tie, took , woad, fender, gleam, trim, riper, 

busts, mute, dye, be, hit, cling, ra, red, tied, teal, laze, 

hairs, exit, woe, ha, pines, 

23.12.14.

with Rob 

lieu, cils, QI, air, mor, eel, more, ye, me bye, by , fate, 

dan, dane, veg, use, dune, skip, pie, hoop, 

wad, da, met, act, fa, fab, go, 

18.54

Im with Davision. 

The Scarey stories are fictional 

and there are going to be alot more of them ... 

23.45

cashew has had her signature throat virus 

sprayed into my window 

and from the fib .. . like they can just do this willy nilly 

it was quite difficult to not phone him tonight

even if it was late i wanted to 'make it all alright'

which of course it would not be i can't make it all right for him

Christmas is tricky like that

for people with co-dependency issues

I will probably cave in at some point tomorrow

8.30pm

Im not well myself 

I can't cope with being shouted at 

you're taking it out on me ... 

Finches Claw

Scarey darling her hushes whisper 

23.26

and at Christmas time 

we'd bring the rocks and shells and pebbles and pieces of seaweed indoors 

n arrange them round the tree. 

And Scarey n I would sit in the firelight 

admiring our babies

n it was all twinkly ...

Finches Claw

he was tender and gentle 

and he made her orgasm vey much 

n he banged her 

and it made them bond emotionally 

n she felt him deeply in her soul 




20.13 

19.21

cashew is targetting me outside with her signature throat virus 




**********************************



noises outside 

14.09

ooooh weh hey .... 

childs voice 

Finches Claw

13.53

looking scruffy yeah 

like always the one to watch in bookshops ... 


just see what happens ... 

the greatest joy of youth 

alot of pain involved until you can't take it any more ... 


n perhaps there is another interpretation of her window incident ... 

Finches Claw

12.46 pm

enjoying Scareys story 

13.46

Scareys quality time 

crazy times ... I used to smoke in the train toilets 

and bunk the fares 

I had to , i had run up an overdraft 

with Barclays and they said i had to go to the London branch 

to pay in the instalments 

one time i was seen jumping the barriers 

at a central tube station

and an announcement came on 

'you have been seen jumping the barriers' 

boomed from the speakers

I went and bought a ticket from the machine

and ran off. 

Jumping the barriers was a big thrill 

my friends and I would sometimes take a run at it 

so that you were over and out the station as fast as possible 

23.47

puzzled buzzing sizzle 

fuzzy fizzy 


211214 14.08 

nuzzle 

sex n the stix

hi Im Liz , sex addict

bottom lines compulsive masturbation

fantasizing about people that are not available ... 

*******************


what chance is there of communication 

when we are so concerned with performance ? 

trying to control someone with your performance 



4pm 



there was this guy 

held up some drug to my nose on a tissue 

I pushed it away and flushed it down the toilet 

I don't think he meant any harm it just freaked me out 

and I couldn't see properly ... 

my psychiatrist said the government are creaming off money 

from the energy companies. 

If i said that it would be paranoid ! 




2pm

ideas , the fib

I suppose famous people 

find it difficult to go for a walk 

they might need a country walk simulator

a walking machine surrounded by 

film screens showing moving country scenes 

with smells and sound effects

plus lots of oxygen

191214  4.35pm


*************************

the fib targeted me with bacteria and viruses outside 

because i had an idea on me 

and as part of their Christmas plans. 

She is thinking of spending Christmas with Scarey 

in Storyland. They never had a Christmas together ... 





18.49

***********************

nb the fib have also decided to spray my room with steroids 

when i have a wank

so that after about 15 minutes i start to feel numb 

8.41

Lager and Fritzle are delivering chemicals and viruses 

Chucky is pidgeoning my radio 

21.35

santa is an anagram of satan 

131214  4pm

i seem to be back in my sex addiction 

that magical world ... 

or maybe you are just having a relapse ... 

The Gates

a word of gratitude 

just to say how lucky i was to have that coffee yesterday.

my nephew nearly cancelled it

because he couldn't get hold of his 5 year old.

I managed to persuade him to come on his own

and when i got there he was itching to show me photos of his son

and to talk about him like he was such a proud father.

He then got rather excited showing me a game on his phone

and suddenly i could see the little boy in him

that i used to play with such alot in his childhood.

You know how it is when they hit 13

it seems like the child is gone, but there it was

the child was still in there and i also told him so !

I've ordered 8 wooden gift crates from Waitrose

that they are having difficulty delivering.

They are attractive with a heart shape cut out

i want them for storage boxes

apparently people have ordered masses of them.

I note there is a gap in the market

for attractive storage boxes

that you can stack how you wish

he seems to think you talk on the phone quite alot.

its not necessarily the quantity of time

its just with me i see him maybe a bit more than that

and i often feel i am not strong enough for him

like i can't really discuss the recovery programmes with him

in the way some people would ,

i don't seem to be giving him the inspiration that he needs

which might have to do with my mental illness.

Usually when we get together

we spend the time making jokes

which is fun but is not really getting him anywhere

and i don't feel strong enough to stand up to him

so we make the jokes and then i have to switch off you know

and get back to my own thing

things do not seem to be making any progress.

Also if i am badly affected by him , chances are he is also damaged by the contact

its very bad for him to feel he can affect someone

it reinforces the feeling that the addiction rules ...

love from

hi Auntie

i sometimes feel you are hinting

that i should do more for my brother .

My sponsor suggested i asks people what they mean

instead of trying to guess

love from Liz


Hi

No I don't think that at all. You've always been the main person for your brother and helped and supported him more than anyone. What you are doing is fine. My cousin phoned last night . We chatted about all the family and what they weer doing this year. She wanted to know about you and him  and sends her lovexxx


thanks Auntie

its a great sur prise to me to hear i have made any sort of contribution ! x

ps fancy that . Here am i allegedly a paranoid schizophrenic

leading the way on rehabilitation of drug addicts

whatever next ! x

todays news group

1p to NHS, 1p to deficit : increasing income tax 

i don't think their benefit cuts were that successful 

83 people hold more money than 2.5 billion put together 

90% of the wealth is with 2% of the people 

you have to be very dependent on your family in America

statute du jour 

Surely Farage would not have said that about migrants 

filling up the bus , someone might have made it up 

Jupiter sucks in meteors 

i just keep forgetting that Abi is going to put me down.

Having suggested the meal out

when i return her call she says 'what can i do for you'

as if she is doing me a favour.

I have invited her to the meal with Sarah

and tonight i can see a really clear difference between the two of them.

Abi seems to think socialising is about an exchange of opinions.

Where Sarah is just enjoying your company ...

Sarah seems to do step 10 all the time

i don't even know if she has been to a 12 step programme

but she observes her mistakes in a really healthy way.

On the other hand i wouldn't like to dump Abi altogether

that doesnt feel right

or maybe i am not ready to let go of her

she's bright and intelligent and fun

and she puts me down


i put this to my Higher Power to sort it out


love in fellowship



and she is colourful


i just hope she doesnt ruin my friendship with Sarah 

i assume you mean assumptions about his mother !

Sounds good to me

I've pre-empted and constructed a scenario

that might not be true.

It still hurts that i don't get a Christmas card

maybe that is an 'expectation' is it , i.e. a premeditated resentment !

one day? i feel that Christmas goes on for the whole of december

and causes the kind of slips that lead you to give money to drug addicts

or to lost touch with your own feelings through over concern about others

id like to reinvent the idea of Christmas as a time to celebrate ourselves

and treat ourselves to the ultimate holiday !

lif 

Sex n the Stix

what goes on in the erotic poetry forums 

people threatening each other 

and getting their hearts broken 

you wouldn't think so

cycling through the stages of grief 

like a real life with real people 

all the more intensified by Christmas. 

Alot of these people have partners 

and seek to spice up their life with the internet 

instead of being bored with one person 

its like an epidemic

Interesting to see what will happen 

if I'm more empowered 

and can pick and choose when i have sex 

the programme gives us a breathing space 

it feels like i get into a boat 

instead of drowning in the sea ... 




4pm 

in my post brother slip

i find myself valuing Abi's friendship

more than Sarah's. Both of them have suggested

a Christmas meal in a restaurant

and i thought about combining the two

so that we can all meet together

even though Sarah doesnt know Abi

and Abi is more a feature of my sick side than Sarah is

so why invite them to the same meal ...

love in fellowship


Christmas messes with my co-dependency

which misinterprets the idea of generosity

like as if i have faulty wiring ...

art whisperer

041214 , 2pm

my pet robot 

did a better watercolour than me 

a new species

i think i just saw a healthy relationship !

i have a new friend called Sarah. She apologised one day

for snapping at me and i really like that in a person.

I just met her boyfriend. He was kind and gentle with her friends

and affectionate with her in a non embarrassing way.

I feel as if I've never seen that before.

Ive just apologised to her

because she bought me a hot chocolate and i omitted to thank her.

My recovery has brought me to a point

where i start to appreciate gentleness!

love in fellowship Lucie Robson

ps also two people from the area have responded to my query

about swearing. Ive yet to follow up their calls

and I'm amazed to get this response this doesnt normally happen

something must have changed in me

"dear God please will you take Graham to a better space 

and take away his mood from me 

and let me know when i can and can't help someone. "

Like with Penny i saw her again and i didn't try to help her this time 

which was a big improvement possibly i went a bit too far 

and failed to be polite and responsive enough 

she actually gave me a compliment 

and i failed to respond to it because i was trying to avoid her 

its a bit of a tightrope trying to get that balance 

"and please God help me get that balance with people 

so that i am not either rude or over helpful

and that i can get out of the way when other people are trying to help her 

much better than i can i just need to be more aware 

and to grow in my awareness of people 

so that i can become your instrument isn't it "

291114

- how can i commit to something when i don't know what will happen emotionally 

like committing yourself to the weather

- you do have a lovely personality J. You have a very emotional face 

i could see you as an actor 

- the internet social life on the poetry forums 

trying to guess who each other fancies it became very competitive 

and i felt so much emotion i ended up jumping out of a window 

and being admitted to hospital. 

- i don't see how you can fall in love with a look. 

Surely there has to be a personality 

- dont masturbate before a match - is that why we lost the world cup? 

our lads are a bit lairy 

- i feel I've lost the ability to make love to somebody one-to-one 

271114 Scrabble story with Rob 

hub, thee, sad, zen, do , ox, don, hi, it, revs, iron, geek, hit, jam, ah, waits, foal, ag, 

ace, irony, to, tub, zoo, ace, fe, frog, ribs, lad, lace, knead, tape, nay, si, id, dual, zoon, 

rife, tip, ape, quit, os, om, overt, ee, em, 

Finches Claw extracts

19.49 16.04.13. *****************
the air and light forcing its way upwards
something kicking the lungs like a jet of air pressure like being winded by a gale force
from the stomach so that you're gasping for breath i couldn't even remember that at the time
pains in the
stomach and buckets of sweat
and a cry of pain like a grieved child who has lost herself in the emotion
arching back into a bow
that bends and bends until it snaps
afternoon 12.04.13.

4.25am 11.04.13.




9.04.13. 21.30
*********************
21.02.13.




********************
and you care for me you say
where you study my every twitch and curve of my lip ...
with gawping fascination
and would you survive without me ...
and are you talking to me because you don't sound
like you had all that great a time of it ...
and just wanting to win
i find myself used to spike
your work ... and i am not your pretzel ...

and its my own
problem my own issue
if I've lost myself is that all his fault if i need to recreate a self that never was
and can he ever win
i am challenged
to be real to throw off the baggage of blame
of stereotype
and really see the person
that i call on to save
me from himself
and when you've lost him
in the mist and his
calls echo to the blind
that he teases in their brilliance
and how are you married is he the whip that
runs your motor that orders the night out
of its pit ...
that makes you sing
scream as loud as a skyscraper multi story block will allow ...
let us prey ...
and can he tell
your body what to do
when you stand there with
the ugly parts of you hanging out
and how is he our soul mate ...
he left you there
arguing with yourself and the ghosts of childhood
the pieces of broken
mirror lodged in your heart ... darling ...

© Lizarikk, All Rights Reserved misc draft 9.30am
Friday, 5 April 2013 4.50am
and what are
you to me someone
who seems to know the
right words to unlock the cellars
theres these dungeons down there that
i don't know about and boy are they locked ...
© Lizarikk, All Rights Reserved
you are a symbol
of cuteness
like the worlds biggest pet nurturing his goslings
you hold the planets
in your hands weighing them like juggling balls
mediating their apartheid ...
you trick and tease and torment me
just enough to make me run you frighten me
out of my reverie
i look terrified
like the pet you kicked down the stairs
and went to rescue
and coo over and croon
and you hold me in your arms a most unearthly bliss shaking and sweating
i try to run again ...
only to find
another maze of
hedges I've never been so scared
another three days
fighting you and i will be dead and you will make boxes of straw for my babies and forget
how much i adored you
were a symbol of something ... a big buzzing evil saint
that screams my nerves
and rubs me up the wrong way till the world spins upside down and my guts are knotted inside out wrapped around your arm where you
toy with my soul like a canvas ...

© Lizarikk, All Rights Reserved misc draft 9.30am
************************** 5.04.13.


2.57am 4.04.13.
**********************************************************************************************************************************************

5pm 3.04.13.


5pm 3.04.13.
Scarey is looking after Friz seal Grace
we're not sure if Jewel wants him back or not ....
**************
Scarey also swalloed some tadpoles and is making a monkey i think he said


**************
an is worth the risk
cus who knows what you're gonna do ...
*************
no I don't want my spirit to die
what wouldn't i give to see you ...
just toast and beans in a cafe
and your hand ... to hear your voice ... does it have dark hairs on it
just to pass out in your eyes and then they can call the pigs
and take me away ...

© Lizarikk, All Rights Reserved
22.37 20.03.13
the moon a glutinous milky haze theres that pain in the shoulder again
that star just shot me
*******************
20.03.13. 14.05
I was in a coma after that one and I didn't even realise ...
like buried under the rubble
19.06 19.03.13.
why is that different
like your whole
body is being ripped apart
like electrocuted ... I don't know
what the ingredient is ... and so tender
that you wince and smart and whistle and the cars
are going right through me ... and all in your tutu and stuff ...

© Lizarikk, All Rights Reserved
00.21
like all the nerves
are lit up like fibre optics
how the sound of your name would thrill me echoing
off the shadow
dangerous ...
that was it ...
frightening like the
first one ... ripping its way up the spine ...
© Lizarikk, All Rights Reserved
21.48
sort of like
a meditation and
really making alot of love in there ...
an you be amaze what you can find in that box
of surprise ...
so I closes
my I's and gets
the cream ... you know
cus while you suckle it you
get to really explore the feelings an
all this peace wraps you up like a hazy womb ...
**********************************************************************************************************************and i bit
back at the thing
that was prodding me so rudely
poking around inside
my ribs need to dust my feathers down I really didnt do that did i
side sliping
caterpillar tracks
my wheels skidding against the wet curb trying to veer away from the oncoming pile up
making a petrol bomb
the steering
wheel screeches as I drive straight through the reinforced glass
cranky ... often causes gritting of teeth, assholeyness, destruction, inability to pay bills, romantic relationships
with ones aids infected cousin, and finally complete retardation
***************************


16.03.13. 21.38 *****************************
13.50 12.03.13.
my limbs are all puffy and swollen now you know and they're all jumping
up and down like they've
scored ...
the trust ...
the pain
came back
but not the sharp
light it was like a knife
in your cutty splitting your
spine ... and how happy he looked ...
******************
hitting back
i kept on pummelling
and pounding drubbing
a sucker punch roundhouse
delivered with a wide swing battering
the whip ... kicking back in self defense ...
the fight went on for hours a relentless cold war ... ending with an uprising of civil disobedience storming the armed guard ... enough
let me die ... he kicked a pastry
cook in the groin his head was sawn off and fixed on a pike ...
00.15 10.03.13. © Lizarikk, All Rights Reserved
blushed hair ...
a killer sore throat
could be a bit
of a problem
if that thing jumps on me
drunks on me
if that drunk drinks in me
if that problem drugs out of nowhere then it could be a bit of a driblem
if that droblem dribbles on me *************
5.30pm 2.03.13.
2.59am 1.03.13.



*************************
a crane jerks the noose upward powered by a treadwheel
while you cling to the ladder
pitched forward
and winded
gobbling fizzy sherbert
dial m for emotion too much hairspray ...
he would gently shake your hips as part of foreplay
like playing with a child
excitement creeping
up your feet like a horror
your kidneys somewhat removed
those smokey eyes a fine collab for me
it was all beaten black and blue
misc draft © Lizarikk, All Rights Reserved 15-20 Feb 2013
like i said
you're not in Miami mate ...
you let Chuck write your thoughts
for you again
i watched him do it hoping you'd see ...

nobody really knew
if Scarey was wrong n maybe that was barking up the wrong tree

***************
all they know is that something happened that night ...
2315
n is a mystery to everyone is he was wrong ...
***************
they wanted reprisal for a dead baby ...
1833 051113
n he punishde her vey bad
0434
n Scarey why not carry
on our relationship as a literary collab like that stuff about our
childhood you din respond to much ...
n yeah i know what is like when someone splits with you n doesnt say anything ...