300915      18.03 

Im with Davision ... 

I do not consent for my material 

to be used in torturing him 

or forcing him into a relationship 

thankyou ... 

280915    23.10

how about a eurodisiac ...

4pm

my funfair thrill-seeking 

is better than sex ... 

and I've been offered an art mentor ... 

life is showing me that there are other things ... 


Im not sure thrill seeking  

is good for me. 

Shouldn't i be going to work ? 

i suppose i feel that all these people are leaning on me 

and i want to have fun in my spare time. 

and would not have the consistency to work . 


Ive sometimes dropped in on the cocaine meeting 

they seem to relate to my thrill seeking issues ... 

The Gates

4pm 

the facilitator said we could make a sexy sound as we exhale 

and focus on our genitals 

Im not inhibited about sex 

i just found it inappropriate 

in the setting and context 




I felt really disturbed 

like Id been abused 

i felt dizzy and disorientated. 

Other clients reported feeling light-headed ... 

3pm

imagine you are sitting in a pyramid 

you are sitting on the base 

and its very stable 

you try to rock it and it wont fall over ... 

250915      21.05

mine over matter ... 

240915 

Paloma Faith 

is very healing to listen to 

that speaks to you of freedom ... 

22.09

the fib have been encouraging the Baskervilles ... 

today to annoy me with noise 

in the hope of driving me to Fritzle ... 

18.17

the recent level of noise nuisance 

and a bout of cold sores 

suggests that Baskerville 

has paid a visit to his rent boy ... 

annyoying me 

is a way to make themselves feel 

like a normal family ! 

Dear Stepmother 

just to say that i do feel hurt

that you havent had time to speak to me.

I think its going on for about a month now .

We used to talk every week.



At the same time i don't really want this to be an obligation for you

another reason i feel hurt

is the idea that its an obligation you have to get round to.

That regular phone contact meant alot to me it seems

and in the absence of close friends and relatives living nearby

was a bit like a weekly coffee or visit.



i know I've got all these other things in place

i just wanted to express how difficult this is for me

and that it will take some getting used to



Are you sure its nothing to do with me ... ?

maybe you think i don't need it any more

because I'm getting better ?



i suppose i also don't want to be like Sarah

and asking people to justify themselves

hopefully its ok to express myself

in a non accusatory way ...

19.07

Im with Davision thanks ... 

The Gates

Dear Dad ... 

Im also remembering 

how much you used to cram into those weekends and holidays.

You did alot of things with us ...

sports, conker matches, frizbee, football ...

you came over every year for Bens birthday to play football with his friends

and we played scrabble , chess, charades,

and made up all those puppet stories and stuff

not bad for someone who wasnt even living with us !

190915 4pm 

is my thrill seeking another addiction ? 

a non sexual high ... 

I like the way i feel afterwards. 

I felt hung over the next morning 

as if i had been drinking and smoking 

theyre so dangerous ... a form of masochism ... 

a violent experience 


my thrill seeking is like a form of gambling 

and you're held in by what looks like a seat belt ... 

that means someone could accidentally undo it and be flung out ... 

I know its dangerous because of the Alton Towers stuff 

putting myself at risk 

made me value my life more ... 


the adrenaline can be addictive ... 

i had to restrain myself 

from going back to the fairground today. 

In case i see something else i need to go on 

i havent recovered yet ... 

scrabble story 150915 

wing goal wand Sir mare mud van bone rid web low rid soy

ox lare dozy sired gate Ra oaf rap pet yon an pun poem 

term er fox value valuer flare rive valuers 

less dine hid drive loaf rig rape kid ta ego trig it 

and where are the collection boxes 

and Obamas response ... 

or at least send a boat out for the children ... 

22.20

another piece of step 4 ... 

Santiago admires people who commit murder ... 

I admire people that harm themselves 

like the Suffragettes 

and people who have had limbs amputated in protest ... 

180915    00.55 am 

a floating city ... 

maybe if we throw money at it 

we could house these people on boats ... 



the dirt on my hands gave me courage ... 

8.30-pm

back a bit achey

and eyes blurred

I took myself to Brighton funfair today on my own.

They seem to have removed the highest rides

but i went on one called 'Dance Crazy'

which throws you up and down in a harness

it was quite a violent force actually

and you feel like you are being dropped and then thrown up in the air

i screamed profusely !



not sure what all this is about

funfairs seem to be the new camping !

I like the way i feel when the ride ends

13.53

thankyou Dev ... 

Im still not sure what your answer was to that question sorry 

150915    4pm 

author sighting ... 

good to see her making other friends ... 

21.37

Dev ... are you warning me 

against going on fairground rides ... ? 

18.46

Im with Davision thanks 

I do not consent for Lager to use my material 

to force him back to her 

thankyou ... 

140915 noon 


shake the brainbox one more time 

see what falls out ... Sheldon Cooper 


***************

its difficult to get back to myself 

after seeing my relatives ... 



***************


doing the drug policy like they have in Holland ... 

where addicts are allowed to inject in a safe place ... 

I would probably vote for that ... 

so does it then follow 

that i should help my addict financially ... 




*******************

mental health is like the migrant crisis ... 



***************************

you look around the room 

their faces smugly complacent 

blissfully unaware ... 

**********************

a huge matriarch, 

light as a feather ... 

I love my brother too much 

with my nephews there is a degree of detachment 

which makes my relationship with them work much better ... 


**********

pm





I was saying about my day out with Sunny and Max ...

when i left Max didn't seem to want a hug

so i said bye and left them

and he ran after me for a hug , it was really touching.

Earlier that afternoon he told me that his aunty Louise is happily married ...

the expression on his face at these times

spoke to me of that feeling from childhood ...

'why aren't we all one big happy family ... '

Sunny and I both had these feelings very strongly as children

and used to cry painfully when people had to leave

either because i had to leave, or my dad had to leave

after going on holiday with him ...



Im feeling a sense of gratitude this evening

i have had counselling today , which was hard won

after years of campaigning for more support

this is going well i think

we got to some core issues ...



and I've also remembered 

how my family came through for me when i was unwell ...

not just Dad ... Dad, Ben and my stepmother Joyce

they all cried on the phone for me

and Sunny made an impassioned speech 

about what i was doing to people that love me ...

i feel overwhelmed by how extraordinary this was

i just felt completely worthless at the time and wanted to end it all.



Im not sure if I'm feeling excited or manic

i remember you saying that Americans and Australians

are more expressive of their excitement ...

they jump up and down a whoot in a way that we are too reserved for ...

and i fear being positive and excited

because i feel it will lead to punishment etc etc.



but i do feel gratitude ...

Sunny and I have exchanged some compliments on email since Saturday

he said that he and Max are lucky to have such a caring auntie ...

me ... a caring auntie !!!

I've really come a long way for someone to say that about me ...


its a stormy night here in Lewes

hopefully with serenity ...

14.41

the fib have yesterday targeted me with a coughing virus

i am couging 

and so are all my neighbours ... 

12.30pm

escape to the day centre ... 

19.44

Im with Davision thanks ... 

i do not consent for my material 

to be used in torturing him 

or forcing him to his ex partner 

thankyou ... 

230715 

I saw all at once all the things i have done to my father -

blaming him for my mothers suicide

breaking off contact with him for 3 years

withholding love

blaming him for my being forcibly medicated

accusing him of snobbery 

because he didn't like my then violent boyfriend in my twenties

one time i posted his Christmas present back to him ... 

a lovely jumper he had picked for me

and last year he had shingles and i shouted at him and put the phone down

because i thought he was colluding with the psychiatrist

*************************

and in spite of all that he talks like he is devoted to me

he tells me he loves me and sometimes cries on the phone

and was so delighted last autumn 

when i made the journey to London to see him

and to play music together

its only now i am 51 i can really appreciate what family means

and what an extraordinary love that could survive all that !

080915      5.45pm 

people said i should have made my jump in a more public place ... 

i thought my bedroom was a public place ... 



*************

escape to the continent ... 

is that for people that work with the elderly ? 

050915   4pm

Im feeling quite balanced 

like I'm not oversexed 

or desexualized ... 

and I'm working on a friendship for a change ... 

Its so painful I'm glad its not a romantic relationship ... 


060915 

sounds like a strobe ... 

***********

dont compare ... 

you will despair if you compare 

dont compare ... 

you can have the know how 

or miss the flow now 

nothing quite compares to don't compare ... ! 



070915

when you study assertiveness 

its actually not about bossing people around ... 

its to do with expressing your feelings in a non aggressive way ... 


************

thanks is the new confession ... 

050915   

I don't know if they had committee approval ... 

today i was targeted with a cough 

by the fib 

because of my support for Aylan ... 

21.56

not even for us voyeurs ... 

nowhere on the internet 

can you find close-ups 

of the dead toddlers' faces ... 

020915 

3pm 

you'd think Obama would be keen to help ... 

where is 'The Special Relationship' 

when you have a migrant crisis on your hands ... 

8.20am 

the committee 

have arranged to have 

industrial dust pumped into my bedroom 

as a punishment for my relationship with Dev ... 

anohter punishment is to try to force me to see more of my heroin addict brother ... 

22.34

Im with Davision thanks ... 

i do not consent for Lager to use my material 

in having him tortured

or forced into a relationship with her ... 

thanks ...