10.10 pm

the stench of depression ... 

Bexit !

12.20 pm 

getting fed up with my brother 
and wanting to cut myself off from him

by the time you've finished negotiating all the boundaries
it doesnt make much difference ! 

rewind to 1984
he found our mother 
in the middle of an overdose
and she told him to shhhhhh ...

feeling he should respect his mothers wishes
he hesitated to call the ambulance
and by the time he called them 
she was dead ... 

9.45 pm 

bang bang bang 
she gets to boiling point. 
the builders are hammering and drilling next door

and her brother keeps phoning up 
to complain about her 

he is on heroin ... 

9.20 pm 

i need to find my dead mother ... 

Dear Brother 

thanks for the voice text 
i can't make out all of what you are saying
can you not send me a letter  

its interesting though
you see me as a posh person 
i spent 10 years having that knocked out of me by Foxy ... !

i still don't know if you plan to meet us
i wont be coming on my own 
as i don't like it when your drunk friends hang about 
and try to put their hands on me ... 

the rail dispute

270816

I gathered two more opinions today 
one from a friend 
who assured me there was no danger on a driver - only train 
because there is a 'dead man's handle' 
which means that if he lets go of it
that it would alert people at the signal department 
so that they can stop other trains in the network . 

hmmm  ... what if he falls on the handle 
so that the message doesnt register though ... 

and another opinion from a guard ... 
i said to him that when the dots come into operation 
i wont be able to call out to him
to ask him if this is the right train. 
i have stress related conditions and its reassuring to be able to speak to a guard 

he also pointed out 
that on the dot, a wheelchair user would not be able to board 
unless they have booked 24 hours in advance 
a system which is now outdated 
and had been abolished on guarded trains. 
surely that could be considered discriminatory ... 

what if the disabled person 
wants to check the weather out before travelling ? 

270816  5.25 pm 

bam ! 
his fist hit me on the forehead. 
' maybe that'll wake you up ' he said ... 


sounds corny 
but he really did have some lovely qualities 
he was just very very ill ... 

270816  4pm 

I used to be a civilised person, an academic ... 
Ive been disturbed now for 30 years 

it was very passionate and sexual 
I associated sex with violence
And then with power. 
Like somebody has to win ... 
and prove they are better than the other person
and more attractive ... 
a celebrity said when she left her boyfriend ... 
' the winner takes it all ' 

I end up being the one 
who doesnt need them any more ...   People seem surprised when i win
because i don't look very conventional. 

I won all those struggles 
and yet here i am with nothing ... 

270816 am

Im a bit like an old person
its difficult to change my routine ... 
which can lead to quite violent feelings of anger ... 

although people tend to say 
that i look like a young person

4.40 pm 

Liza ... 
feels the weight of Katyias family 
who are perhaps a little more selfish and ambitious than her own

while she feel the weight 
of Liza's fucking enormous family 
with 5 grown up kids
churning out an army of grandchildren ... 

hospital camp , new book ,

the searing pain in my hip 
when they try to roll me over 


260816   10.05 am 

the door is slammed shut ... 
Im in a high security unit
surrounded by people who have just tried to kill themselves. 
They are very angry .

My bags and pockets are searched 
for medications, and implements, and even plastic bags 
which are not allowed on the wards ... 

i watch people make further attempts in there 
one lady tried to strangle herself with a tourniquet 

The heating doesnt work 
it comes on in Summer and goes off in winter 
and my bedroom smells of ammonia ... 

Friday, 25 April 2014

pillowcase

from late 2013

i like the way those feelings flow, his hands inside my soul pulling at the branches shaking the leaves that massage the feelings like a ripe fruit sharing the juice ... a cocktail where we finally found our differences ... 


071213 830pm

my tongue hanging out feel vey sick ... n plunge into the ventilator the emergency team arrive n you feel the love of strong hands rolling you over onto the stretcher a blanket of bliss screaming in agony 

two songs were playing in my head ... concussion strapped in tight the vehicle rattling away into the night like that gypsy move at 5 years old a tunnel to nowhere my legs tightly strapped together kissing my hand 

liverpuddlian pudding liver puddinlian pud a milky thing in Liver pool like fish n chips 
hospital camp the culmination of all that went on in the 60s 

ambulance AnE amnesia , can i have a hug please they don't usually get asked that i could only remember two songs 

Baskervilles Corner

" are they being annoying again ? " 

she asks the dog 

who is barking at full volume in the garden 

not half as much as your husband 

when he is screaming at the football 

and clapping very slowly ... 

very weird ... 

course i must remember 

that probably he himself was probably an abused child ... 

The Baskervilles

I moved here about 20 years ago
the place looked a bit dilapidated, 
and lacking in character 
but for some reason i had to have it 

shortly after i moved in 
i heard a terrible scream coming from the Baskervilles 
it was a child screaming 'no Daddy no'
it sounded like nothing on earth 
and i gained the impression 
that a child was being sexually abused 
or possibly that someone was watching child porn ... 

I reported it to the NSPCC
and was received with blunt rudeness 
by a call handler, that was probably another pedophile 

and then shortly after that 
the police broke into my home when i was out ... 
when i got home there was a notice stuck to the stair rail
saying that a neighbour had called them 
to say that i had gone out and left a window open ... 

so why in that case was the back door kicked in ? 

The Baskervilles

next door 

the pedophiles dog 

has been barking now for nearly 4 hours 

it is very loud ... 

1.20 pm 

oh what a tangled web we weave ... 

did she cause her mental illness 

on some metaphysical level ? 

who'd have thought
she would leave the love of her life ... 

240816   10am 

funny thing is 
the cover version would only work
while I'm still in love with the guy ... 
If my original was about someone else 
it would lose power 
hence ensued my struggles 
to fantasise about anyone 
other than my latest love ... 

she cried for him more than anyone 

even her mother 


22.18

Scarey was everything to her 

He and she had kundalini orgasms 

which threw them across the room . 

She never imagined a cover version 

could hold such power ... 

rail dispute ...

Im prepared to concede 
that we have to flow with the advance of technology to an extent 
although what is happening at the moment is interesting 
in that people are asserting that their feelings are important as well ... 

most importantly though 
nobody has given me a satisfactory answer to this question : 
with a driver only train 
what happens if the driver loses consciousness 
could be due to a terror attack, a fallen tree, or a stroke 
its not that unlikely . 

the current plan is that a second member of staff will be on board for the time being 
'to spend time with the passengers' !
but that the train can also run without him 

so what happens if the driver is incapacitated ... ? 
I'm still waiting for an answer from Southern to my email ... 

220816    10.40 pm 

so anyway i was saying 
that the "FIB" I say were filming me in my bedroom on satellite
so that they could feed the films to someone 

that someone was the ex partner 
of a celebrity that i had fallen in love with. 
they fed her films of me in bed
so that she could study the sexual content 
and use it to guide her own. 

and this would work every time ... 
they called it a pizza 
you could buy this service from BitCoin 

and they would also delete things from my blogs
in order to claim them for her own
i felt as if i had been robbed of my children ... 

Friday, 1 February 2013

the raging hormones of youth jackhammering
where the g spot crunches ... shots
of nervous shock the nagging 
pain of exposure a fevered
tempest coursing her 
veins a fugue of 
severe mental
stress

enriching the uranium 
the mods were on the uppers
they like the buzz 

digging my grave 
a tishooo the liquid smoke 
the fat lady sings a flatmate from hell 
a slot machine the traffic lights 
you smell of dirt 

misc notes/draft 

12.19pm, 1.02.13. 

Sunday, 7 April 2013

the traffic light is red .... 

she died peacefully in my sleep 
the chiromance was wrong 
elysian paralysis  

Ive killed her her laughter 
clattering against the mirror 

reflecting the insanity of her shattered mind 





misc draft 1.33am    8.04.13. 

Monday, 29 July 2013

n you are 

addicted to a drug 

that contains the blood of my 

heart ... just asking you to look at it thats all ... 






*********

n carpet powder 

they are putting down there 

apparently n something very damaging to throat tissue 


***************

n bass that 

comes from the arse ... in the best possible way 

n traffic noises .... 

3pm 041113  © Lizarikk, All Rights Reserved

she feels a bit on the edge today 

like theres a fine line between her and the traffic 

she stands in the middle of the road 

n reaches out her arms to embrace that truck 

she loves the cars scraping past her elbow 

n she's nearly there 

is a black hole below 

Saturday, 16 November 2013

she feels a bit on the edge today

like theers a fine line between her and the traffic

reaches out her arms to embrace the oncoming truck

n she loves the cars slicing past her elbow

the peachy head is looking small

22.35

cloud cuckoo land ... 
every now and then ill have a near miss in the road
feeling a rush of wind 
as a car brushes past ... 
"you nearly got run over there mate"
a passerby will cry out to me ... 

from 2013 :

she feels a bit on the edge today
like theres a fine line between her and the traffic 
reaches out her arms
to embrace the oncoming truck 
n theres a gaping hole below

Gods plans for me are none of my business ! 

8.15 pm 

cloud cuckoo land ... 

and had coffee with a friend who has schizophrenia.

unlike some of the other patients, he is not draining , well not so far.

Im a bit nervous of him because i did him a wrong turn when i was ill in 2013 .

I met him for coffee in the garage

and I walked up to him and kissed him on the lips without warning

it meant nothing to me

it was one of my 'dares' at the time

i thought he was a member of staff disguised as a client.

i decided to apologise to him

he grinned and said that i had done the same to a stranger in London

so we had a laugh about it

i hope he is OK , because strictly speaking i assaulted him ... 

18.00

one time i went as Bo Peep ...

220816 

the taxpayer is very angry

they work and toil all day 

while people like myself 

seem to be bumming around 

doing sweet fuck all ...

5.50 pm

so i get sent for these Alice in Wonderland interviews 

where I'm asked if i can take a pen out of my pocket and stuff 

So i end up dressing in a ridiculous way 

and smearing my face with makeup 

just to get with the lunacy of it all 


i feel like a criminal ... 

210816    10pm

it was Dev who inspired me 
to jump out of my bedroom window.
And fracture my hip. 

Between us we have weakened the power of the FIB
which is not always a desirable thing 
if you look at the current rail dispute
but quite some feat nevertheless. 

I had been pushing it for several months, 
bunking train fares, screaming in the streets, exposing myself
Testing the boundaries. 
And the intelligence community were hot on my trail. 

There were juggernauts chugging and wheezing around the city 
pumping out dust and germs
in order to choke people wherever dissent arose, 
people would find themselves speechless ... 

Whistleblowers were sprayed with toxins
from invisible pumps 
under the sleeves of technocrats 
Stunned, their prior movements and communications 
were milked and processed as fodder
for those who's souls had died
through watching the public on satellite ... 

hospital camp

i asked the enormous lesbian Elaine 

not to intererrupt a conversation in the dining room. 

She stood up and thumped the other lady on the shoulder 

and then did the same to me 

what do you say when the salad has run out ? 

thats shallot ! 

19.31  210816

i get paid to visit my brother. 

or at least thats what it amounts to

my families love and support 

is dependent on my giving that to him ... 

don't get me wrong i do love him very much 

I'm just not sure if i would visit without that kind of pressure ... 

hospital camp

prior to my hospital admission 
i went on a trip to London 
where i accosted strangers 
and started trying to kiss them on the mouth. 
one of them followed me and we went to a park for a grope 
i was lucky that nothing bad happened 

maybe I'm the sort of character 
that other people write about. 

hospital camp

210816   1am 

i find feelings contagious 

1.30 am 

they hold you down , turn you over and pull your pants down 
before delivering the injection 


so anyway i jumped out of a first floor window 
and fractured my hip. 
fed up of those intelligence agencies 
that watch you in your bedroom
via satellite 
and selling information about me 

hospital camp , rood food

200816   11.25 pm 

it was Christmas Eve ... 

they held me down and forcibly medicated me

because i wouldn't stop screaming. 

I was screaming because they were going to medicate me 

which i thought was death to my soul 

and i told them so ... 


when i told my brother he cried 

and gave one of the nurses an earful ... 


i must be quite wired and stressed 

as i am not gaining weight. 

this also happened in hospital 

when i was eating alot of chocolate without gaining ... 

i was constantly watching my back 

trying to stick up for myself 

against the other patients, and also the staff ... 

hospital camp

10.40 pm 

I was slapped on the bum 

by an enormous lesbian 

i had just had a wank ( behind a curtain ) 

and so it felt all the more intrusive ... 

after i left the report said 

that i had been masturbating in a communal area ... 


But sometimes i miss the camaraderie in there 

now that I'm at home 

accompanied by the tv 

and the smell of my own farts ... 

hospital camp

200816    9.10pm

in the mental hospital 

I got quite good at negotiating what we were going to watch on tv ... 

and those people are not easy to get along with ... 

" what about me ... and my friend here ? " 

" Ive already arranged with someone else 

that I'm going to watch this " 

you can't be aggressive about it. 

some of the patients would get into a power struggle. 

rehab

21.55

I go to a support group for sex addicts 

which is full of pedophiles 

some of whom are in treatment ... 

hi Ben, congrats on the new relationship ! my favourite ACDC memory was some years back doing a sun dance to Sink the Pink, it was on full blast in her flat, and it worked ! she had aspergers and was the funniest person next to my brother. We fell out unfortunately and don't often meet these days. Depression Cherry reminds me a bit of Zero7 YeahGhost which has a supernatural feel , echoes of Eskimo music , e.g. the Residents , Festival of Death worth a listen. All the best ...

 

MrKatyia1 second ago

hi Jamie Basshunter is a DJ who has tourettes is he not ? he is someone who learned to control his illness by pushing it into the background ... he went on the appear on Big Brother some years back and dated a girl who had been out with Ronnie Wood the music sounds great !