she did actually leave a message for her brother today 
to say that he does react to people
gets aggressive and maybe doesnt realise 
that people can wind you up in hospitals and stuff 
and you have to try not to react to them 
because they are very sick people ... 

280916  12.50 am 

i used to bunk train fares and do benefit scams ! 
one time i was even smoking in the train toilet ! 
i had to repay a debt to Barclays Bank 
and had to travel a long way to the branch. 
my brother and i did a housing benefit scam 
where we had tenants living with us illegally . 
i didnt really understand how it worked. 
never got caught. 
my brother and i would fight. 
one time i threw him down a flight of stairs 
and he called me a little slag 

i did have to go to court about the tv licence though ! 

8.55 pm   240916 

for you ... 

I'll turn off my phone ! 

250916

i start feeling this is what i deserve
to have someone phone me up and shout and swear at me
it clubs at my spirit
i have lost my sparkle


230916

my stomach is churning 
like a washing machine ... 


200916   21.30 pm 

good night my precious 
light a star for me 
i wont be seeing you for a while ... 


190916 

he's clucking ... 
she can't find the love in her heart 
she felt as though he hated her 
and now she hates herself ... 

adrenaline rush ... 

she is not allowed to sky dive
because of her mental health issues 
and doesnt know what to do 
with her need for excitement ... 

i love swans and birds in general ... one time i saw a rook sheltering under a homeless girls umbrella apparently he stood there for 5 hours ! after that day i always now carry a camera with me ...

200916 

she also tried the same experiment 
with a long slug 
and a big spider 
and put all the videos up on Twitter
who of course threatened to ban her ... 


180916

I actually wanted to do it with a gerbil ... 
they nearly let me buy one 
but i didnt have enough cash on me 
so i went out to a cash window 
and returned with £20 
by which time 
someone had pointed out 
that you have to show a photograph of the glass cage 
that you plan to keep them in ... 
and of course i didnt have that
so i took a finch 

afterwards i remembered 
that gerbils teeth and jaws 
are so powerful 
that they can bore through metal cages and non-reinforced glass 
there i was planning to put it in a disposal bag 
and then into my vagina ... 


170916    9.35 pm 

another thing I did before being hospitalised 
was to buy a finch ... 
I wrapped it in plastic
put it in a small pepper pot
and put the pot up my vagina ... 

then i pulled off the lid 
opened the plastic and the bird flew out ... 

i did this 3 times
and one of the birds died. 
the other two i let go free into the wild ... 

the medical form the GP has to fill in includes this :

Current neurosis requiring active treatment, history of psychosis, subnormality, severe learning difficulties, severe cognitive impairment, pathological euphoria, drug addiction and alcohol dependence all constitute an unacceptable risk. When an individual does not have capacity to consent to risk, but is nonetheless intending to proceed or is being encouraged by others to proceed, local safeguarding procedures should be initiated. Sometimes individuals with psychological difficulties plan to jump in the hope of boosting low self-esteem. If the candidate refuses to jump, often in front of relatives and friends, there can be a devastating impact on already poor self-esteem.

looks like she would unlikely be allowed ...

00.09

and then you realise 
you're a player on the stage of life 
not better or worse than anybody else ... 

150916   1.50 am 

the worried beast
cannot forget the treatment he received ... 

from 2013 : 

can't get guidance from the stars ? 
well i sure didnt get it staring up your arse ! 

140916  11.40 pm

what i havent told a soul ... 
i actually jumped out of the window several times 
and off the top of the shed as well
one time i had a wank on top of the shed 
and felt this helped to cushion the fall ... 
delightfully dizzy 

i jumped out of the window 
and my head was bleeding. 
Dev told me to put a sanitary towel on the wound 
to keep it clean ... 
i took photos of my bloodied hair 
and uploaded them on Photobucket as a fashion statement  ... 

then about 2 months later i jumped again
with an arrangement of sofa cushions and duvets on the grass 
the feeling of concussion was bliss

i decided i should propel myself outwards a bit more 
and thats when i got injured 

i fully intended to get hurt 
but not as much as i did 
well actually ... well i was not trying to kill myself ... 

my brother has alcohol induced psychosis
but is not schizophrenic ... 

hospital camp

22.34 

they had difficulty getting me to leave the asylum 
i loved the food in there.
after dinner i would put my feet up and watch tv ! 

i even got pretty good 
at negotiating what we were going to watch 
using non aggressive communication skills ... 
even the hardest of them could not beat me ! 

and there were some pretty mean looking broads in there ... 

130916
I am proud of the wild times i had in my youth 
the drugs, the fights, the parties ... 

1.20 am 
this time i didnt hit back 
something terrible has happened to his Mummy 



140916

how i survived on £60 a week
and learned to buy very cheap food
my adventures in love ...
the adrenalin ... sleeping rough in London, Paris and Rome

110916    skydiving 

pros : 

my medication should stop me freaking out. 
its my version of the paralympics 

cons : 

my lack of concentration 
the way i am obsessing about it 


I need someone to drive me there. 
And I've had too much time to think about it now ... 

090916 

she nosedives onto her sting 

10.40 pm 

my psychological immune system ... 

The Rail Dispute

Dear Mr Lovell 

thanks for the reply. I have read the plan from the links you sent me 

as as you also said you have not answered my questions 

and neither do those documents. 

In the light of recent developments 

with customers resorting to raising money 

so that they can take you to court 

i would like to highlight yet again 

my most important concern : 

what happens in 'exceptional circumstances' 

when there is no second member of staff on the train 

and something happens to the driver 

due to his own health, or a falling log, or a terror attack . 

surely there is nobody else on board to alert other trains in the network 

that they need to stop or else risk crashing into my train ... 

why is it difficult for you to answer this transparently ? 

also another matter has come to light since you wrote to me. 

A conductor informed me 

that under the new system, 

wheelchair bound customers 

would have to book a day in advance of their journey 

an outdated system that had been abolished 

and would mean great hardship for them 

as they cannot see how they feel on the day of travel 

or what the weather is like. 

probably i will not get a straight answer to either of these simple matters 

and i anticipate another evasive reply from you 

and how dare you insinuate that i lack patience ! 

i waited weeks for your replies 

and like everyone else, i am fed up with the service ! 

yours sincerely

12.21   080916 

i think my stepmother's new husband 
might be going to prostitutes ... 

there was a foul smell 
after she used my toilet ... 

pm

obstacles to doing a sky dive ... 
mental health issues, medication, physical issues, 
being unemployed, needing a doctors note, 
claiming financial assistance   

and my own fears ... 




the journey , possible traffic/transport delays 
the rail strike, needing the toilet , 
being disqualified at the last minute for some reason
e.g. health, inability to meet the pre-jump training requirements 

060916

9.35 pm

i wonder if horses were smaller in Tudor times as well ... 

1 pm

i said if we stop looking out for him 
he will turn up. 
And he did ! 

its like hunting for a guru in India ... 

070916

if i want to talk to someone in the mental health centre
i have to wait until the manager is distracted
so that we can sneak past him 
and grab the moment. 

I havent fancied him for years 

that kind of abuse turns me on  
well just a little bit ...

00.13   070916

on the way back from my brother
i spotted Fritz in his van !

he ran his finger along the wing mirror
and flicked it
a gesture of disdain ...

midnight, 070916 

if i could sky dive

Id be one step closer to killing myself ...

brother was in a very volatile state today .
stepmother and i waited for him for about 1/2 hour before he turned up
at the cafe.
We had already had lunch by the time he arrived.

He chatted for a while
and then exploded with rage
because he and stepmother had difficulty hearing each other.
he said he has damaged his ear by having headphones on too loud.
And he accused us of not listening and asking too many questions.
He threw the pictures we had taken him on the ground
and walked out of the cafe.

then he came back and apologised
and started shouting again
so we thought we had better leave
and walked down towards the sea.
and then to a park .

by that time i had lost the ability to concentrate
and felt as if i were 'concussed'
i was also frightened he was going to hit me
and he had started to remind me of my ex boyfriend .

stepmother was very good with him
and i felt she was able to use her talent as a social worker
to get through to him a bit
and without retaliating or losing it
which was inspiring to watch.

Im glad we saw him though
as i don't think i could go through with that again in the near future.
And stepmother said she's not sure i should go on my own anyway .
I certainly feel very affected afterwards.
I came home and walked clumsily through the garden
and scratched my ankle on the brambles.
i hope that doesnt lead to complications ...

it will take me at least 3 days to recover psychologically
and probably he will phone me quite a few times
which he tends to do after i had contact with him.

Probably there is more detail to come
which i can't remember right now.
it was great to see stepmother as well
who is looking incredibly well and youthful !
and to have the car journeys with her gave us some time together.

i hope you enjoy babysitting tonight,
Love  X XX

050916 11.30 pm 

she knew her family would kill her 
if she refused him

so she waited until she reached the altar
before announcing her decision ... 



060916  20.30 pm 

she wanted her execution 
to be as public as possible ... 

1 am 

she's like a little leech ... 

23.35

I'm being stalked by a celebrity ... 

no not that one ! 

030916    4pm

when i fall in love
loyalty to family and friends goes out the window 

a painting is more ambiguous

and open to interpretation 

whereas writing is the most dangerous art form
which give such literal access to your soul ...

23.00

i experience how meditation and relaxation
can lead to feelings of pure love
and how then you can meditate on that love and allow it to grow ! 

4pm

the sexual landscape 

020916   1 am 

me, i don't even get to the start line 

6.40 pm 

the complexity is staggering

and those subliminals in the cover versions ... 
taken from my worst shots : 
did you even see that ?  

the fib
can make a sound in your bedroom 
so that you don't know where its coming from . 
People think its a spirit ... 

flashback ...

23.47  

my earliest memory is my 1st birthday party 
i was carried into a dark room 
where someone had lit a cake full of candles 

i wish i could go further back ... 

MrKatyia4 hours ago


hi Ben MrKatyia is too scared to listen to that ! actually i did watch horror when i was a child, including Jaws, and the Saturday night thrillers which i still remember. i also saw The Shining and The Exorcist at cinemas in London. The Shining was in Harrow and The Exorcist at Holloway Road. at both events, the audience was mainly teenagers in absolute hysterics of laughter which made for rather a fun evening. i eventulaly had to stop watching horror as i found it too difficult to spend a night on my own with nobody else in the house ... :)


and my brother used to play on my fears by hiding in the wardrobe and stuff !


ha ha, i think one time he got a knife and warned me he might have a sudden impulse ! he was only joking of course. we also used to have punch ups over Monopoly actual physical ones ! i was bigger than him until we were about 12

10.25 pm 

when he bit into my finger
i screamed like an old man 


8.35 pm 

my father 
was hammering on the door
howling my name 

i was inside with a violent man ... 

The Rail Dispute

010916 

GTR are offering an 8 point deal 
to resolve the crisis
which basically means 
they do guarantee a second member of staff on board
'except in exceptional circumstances' 
i.e. if a conductor is not available the train will still run. 

on paper this deal looks like progress 
that they are acknowledging there are safety issues involved 
if you remove the guard 

however the question still remains ... 
where a train is running without a second staff
what happens if the driver is knocked unconscious 
and is therefore unable to alert other trains in the network . 

that should be a fairly simple question to ask. 

Southern have also implied in their reply 
that i lack patience ! 

010916   1.15 pm 

' this is death to me ' i screamed
as they held me down 
and forced an injection of Clopixol

' death to my spirit ' 

010916   5.40 pm

time to woman up ? 


310816   10.10 pm 

im not prepared for this
i have no training for the role, no precedent 

when i was growing up 
it was all about the career and the fun 
nobody mentioned marriage or babies ! 

yet here i am saddled with a baby 
who is just one year younger than myself ... 

my womb complains
this is not what i signed up for ...