how would Donald Trump like it 
if somebody slapped his daughter on the bum ... 

she shouted to me from a car 
we fell out some years back 
she was really big fun 
dangerous and funny 
some people are like that. 
she's a whole lotta trouble 
that could really cause problems 
with your neighbours and stuff 
don't know what I'm gonna do
if she phones ... 

there was this man 
who came to the treatment centre last year 
a celebrity 
he offered us a Mindfulness meditation session 
during which he asked us to make sexual sounds 
and focus on our genitals ... 
this went on for a whole hour 
and then i didnt feel OK 
so my advocate made a complaint about it 

i mean people make jokes and stuff 
but to get that from a professional for a whole hour 
it wastn very appropriate 
and there was one schizophrenic man 
he becaume quite out of control afterwards 
and now i can't speak to him 
because he just lost the ability to communicate with me. 

so he didnt come back 
but now he is teaching our other staff 
in how to teach Mindfulness 
and to be honest i think they are a bit star struck

i mean if it had happened on a hippy camp 
like the green gathering i wouldn't have minded 
but in a treatment centre with people with schizophrenia ...

200217 

the building work next door,

the dog barking the other side
the rail strike
support worker withdrawing
psychiatrist wants me to come off lorazepam
a close friend died
and the usual pressures of coping with my brother ... 

the pedophiles dog
barked all the way through my phone call ... 

19.30 

whats the point of it all ? 

the pain stabs me in the stomach 
bursting the dam
as the flood gates break down 
with the force of rushing water 

song : all these tortured souls

140217 1pm 

Happy Valentines 
maybe if i hadnt cheated so much 
you'd be here 
still here with me 

all these tortured souls 
reaching out for me 
and they think that I'm stuck up
because i feel better 
its so painful to leave them 
im drowning in quicksand ... 

4pm

i suffer, therefore i am ... 

without the pain 
what would i write about ? 

poem : not now please mate

100217 


not just now please mate ... 
kind of a hangover 
as if i myself was drunk 
of course i am drinking him 
addicted to his gloomy disease 

my mood is minus 3 
on this roller coaster ride 
and you can never get off ... 

give it a rest will you mate
i just wish i was dead ... 

song : people get drunk and leave clues

090217

people get drunk and leave clues
this crippling guilt and fear
that has her down
down on the floor
taking a kicking to her heart

060217 11.30 am

it tears at her soul ...
he could easily kill himself
with that drug in his hand
she had to leave the room
choked on her words ...

080217  11.45 pm 

dog is barking 

things are getting her down today 
he shouts and swears at her 
theres rubbish everywhere 
her stomach is churning  

hammering banging and drilling 
does he not like her song ? 
maybe he can hear her singing ... 
maybe he wants her gone 

060217    11.30 am 

it tears at my heart ... 
he could easily kill himself 
with that drug in his hand 

i had to leave the room
choked on my words ... 

I've made a graph of my moods 
to track the bipolar thing 

song : a sick joke

050217


is this some kind of a sick joke ?
she is in rehab ...

she's on a court order
to make her take her meds
its compulsory
but now they want to see
if she will take it herself
she has to go to court
because she never wanted it
in the first place
so what will happen is she doesnt take it

ha ha look what a coward she is
look at her taking her medication
now you can be free
to lose weight
to fly again with your spirit
now's your big chance 

6.30pm

the pedophile next door 
made a horrible aggressive yelling noise 
right next to my bathroom ... 

020217


she is in an odd position now 
there is a court order
to say she has to take her medication 
its compulsory 
but next year , they want to take her off the court order
and make it optional 
and see whether she takes it herself 
and MrKatyia has to go to court 
to ask them 'please, don't take me off the court order 
please make my medication compulsory 
otherwise the other part of me 
might not want to take it 
cus i never wanted to go on medication in the first place ... 

and the other part of me is saying 
'ha ha ha look, see what a coward she is 
look at her taking her medication. 
now's your big chance to get off it 
its made you put on weight 
its made you lose your spirit 
and now's your big chance to get off it 
what are you doing trying to co-operate with them ... 

23.00    010217

trainspotting in 2017 : 

have you seen one ?