song : 21st century psychosis

300417   8.20 pm 

updating, 
upgrading 
subscribing, 
contracts 
compatibilities 
escalating charges 
nervous breakdown ...

clinging to my wire monkey ... 

I'm angry inside 
though it may not show 

n every little thing 
is a catastrophy ... 

i was nearly run over ... 

290417 

n theres nobody here 
when the machine is down 
when the robot goes down 
theres no-one around ... 

280417 

im unemployed scum 
a bomb has gone off in my life 
and blown me to smithereens 
its gone off like a bomb 

270417   00.30 

hey you 
what you feeding them for 
they vermin 
why aren't you feeding me instead 
im gonna chuck you in the river in a  minute 

n i wont be very happy 
if they shit on my fucking head 

song : the artist's hungry soul

250417 

you have been warned
I'm just using you 
you are just food 
for the artists hungry soul 

song : amyl nitrate

250417    1 am 

n now he's sniffing round my door 

he wore me down 
insulting my self esteem 
i felt really out of my head 

here try some of this he says 
shoving it up my nose 
n i couldn't see for weeks ... 

neeeeeowwwwww
wah wah wah wah 

220417    1.45 am 

its like he's planted a flag 
and now he's sniffing around 
seeing off any other trespassers ! 

Mental Health Anonymous , new series !

210417 

encouraging and respecting other clients 
but not speaking to the ones that drain me 

220417 

sometimes they are all draining me 
so i go elsewhere 

but why do i go back ? 

240417 

i struggle to get to the starting line ... 

Artists Anonymous

210417    23.30 

I'm just using you 

and watch out 
you are probably just fodder
for the artist's hungry soul ... 

and its not even funny 
when he kind of wears you down 
joking and insulting you at the same time 
im afraid i might fall for it again 
and get damaged along the way 

you know ... 
im worried i might relapse 
and he will end up getting hold of me at a weak moment 
then he kind of wears you down to get what he wants ... 

this man came round 
that i had a date with in 2014
when i was in his room, 
he brought out some amyl nitrate 
that made me feel very out of it 
and i couldn't see properly for weeks 

so i decided to stop seeing him 
he put a hand written letter through the door yesterday 
asking to meet me. 
i have written to him asking him to refrain from contact ... 

Artists Anonymous ! new series ...

200417     22.00

sometimes a bit of good food and exercise
will inspire me more 
than my latest plans for S&M 


23.00

the tortured artist
requires that somebody get hurt ... 

there was a client there with his wife
the wife was unwell and it was difficult to understand what she was saying
as she had just had an operation
suddenly i had thoughts of flirting with her husband
who is a friend of mine ...
this was just pure evil
im not even interested in him
its just that 'intrigue' thing that people talk about
and how my dark side can rear its head
when in dubious company ...

The Gates

hello aren't you lovely 
she looks like a little eskimo ! 
are we a little eskimo ? 
aren't you lucky to live here with your mum and dad ! 
are we happy to be here ? 

150417    4pm 

now I'm sitting here 
i can see why you wouldn't want to sleep with a friend's boyfriend 
sounds like 1 + 1 = 2 
but it wasnt 
in my addiction i thought my sexual feelings came first ... 


occasionally i will have a gay fantasy 
and then think oh no i really don't want to be gay 
because of the maternal abuse running in my family 
i would say my curiosity is about 5 % 
and i don't like getting pressure from gay women ... 

i like men who have a feminine side 
they have a really hard time in our culture 
and tend to be quite screwed up 
with all the pressure on men to be Macho ... 
but looking back 
my best experiences were with men who have a feminine side 

and now i understand 
that an experience doesnt have to be abusive
to be mind blowing .. . 

song : for my nephew

come on Maxi 
don't need a taxi 
lets go down to the beach for a day 
surely we can feed some birds on the way 

and who knows what might happen 
when their wings are flappin 
they can catch the bread in mid air 
or land on our hair 

thankyou for your hugs 
they make me feel lots of love 

song : the perfect star

you are the perfect star 

the moon is celebrating 
your birth 

Meelah 
what a pretty little girl 
wonder how your life unfolds 
how i love my little niece 
like you are the missing piece 

the moon 
is celebrating 
the birth of my niece ! 

I've got children 

coming out of my ears 

rehab

don't know about them gossiping and bitching about me ? 
she actually has a large mole 
on the end of her nose 

it isn't your mug
why should i have to save it for you ? 

are you hinting ? 

hey thanks Ben its good to hear from you. 

i try to be straight with people where possible 

that ego thing it kind of contagious 

now i feel possessive about the mug myself ! 

this is war ! 

its good to get there early 

so we can put the chairs out 

and get the kettle on and stuff

a storm in a  teacup 

070417    noon 

i wrote an email 
to my friend from the sex addicts meeting 
and accidentally posted it to my advocate ! 

meh autocomplete ... 

20.47

the pedophile next door 
has had two dogs in there barking all day 

020417  12.30 pm

starved of love and light 
they take bites out of me 

my daddy is dying 
still knocking back the wine 
that poisons his kidneys 
there isn't much time 

oh please daddy please 
do the impossible 

n I've cried every tear