311217

insecure 

one day that wind is coming inside ... 

needy and clingy
id rather jump off a precipice
than ask for help 

rejected 
my social skills 
withered away 

everyone who fights
never asked to be born
no right to live 
don't belong in this world 

a second class citizen
unborn and unloved 

no monkey mother
n who gives a damn ? 
she went to a party 
with all the lonely people  

i caught your mood 
feels very disturbed

the party went home
n I'm left here alone 

to sweep up the dust 
defeated at last 

to leave you here like this 
only snatching a whisper 

261217

for everyone who fights 

n I'm forced to be here 
never asked to be born 

i don't have a right to live
don't belong in this world 
a second class citizen
unborn, unloved 

with no monkey mother 
who else would give a damn ? 

241217 / 251217 / 261217

she went to a party 
for all the lonely people 

defeated 

feeling very disturbed 
i caught your mood 

the party has gone home 
and I'm left here alone 
to sweep up the dust 

n I've got to leave you here like this 
only snatching a whisper 

231217

even just a little drink
could send her off the rails 
especially if she's on a date 
gets her into danger 

n nobody likes my songs 

song : conflict on the border

my heart and soul it gets
beaten up black and blue

can't afford to use the phone 
but I'm rocking out myself

theyre rapping on the wall
but who gives a damn ?

singin and playing my heart
like a knife this wild pain

twisting it deep inside  
puts their noses out of joint !

gives me an excuse 
to play it louder still 

that shadow just a bird
flying across the sun 

211217 

aggressive, monotonous, selfish, 
gross , stupid, hateful, shrill 
hostile, dangerous 

201217 

actually i did fancy him 
but not for very long 
maybe because 
there was someone else with him ... 

191217

that shadow 
was just a bird
flying across the sun 

181217

rapping on the wall 

they would rather 

i was the old fogey
who complains about the noise
and gives them an excuse 

to play it louder

but I'm rocking out myself
singing and playing
that put their noses out of joint !

171217 / 181217

my heart and soul 
beaten black and blue 

n i can't afford to use the phone 

like a knife 
twisting in my stomach 

this flickering light 
this wild pain 

song : pear drop moon

alone in the dark
unspeakable this 
strangled by pain 
my feelings are dead 

hostile ways 
on the border
humiliated 
by rejection 

n i don't really want to stay 

in this barren place
dry sticks in the sun 
parched of all life 
and dropping no fruit 

pear drop moon 
graveyard of dreams 

161217

n my heart doesnt work any more 

151217

like swallowing a ball 
of red hot lead

i just want to tell her 
how special she is
maybe just a kind word
or a warm hug 
from her baby girl 
might have saved her 

n i don't get no second chance 
how did i get so far away ? 

n who could be happy 
when they've left their mummy to die 

141217

alone in the dark

unspeakable
my feelings are strangling me
the death of my spirit

humiliation
hostilities on the border

maybe she doesnt love me
any more

n i don't really want to stay here
without her
i have no choice

in this barren place
dry sticks
parched in the sun
dropping no fruit

under a pear drop moon
the graveyard of my dreams

141217

alone in the dark 

111217 / 121217

unspeakable
my feelings are strangling me 
the death of my spirit 

humiliation
hostilities on the border 

081217 / 091217 

maybe she doesnt love me 
any more 

n i don't really want to stay here 
without her 
i have no choice 

in this barren place
dry sticks 
parched in the sun
dropping no fruit 

under a pear drop moon 
the graveyard of my dreams 

071217 

full of the juice of the earth 
the sap is rising 

song : boxing day

051217

strangled with rage
im choked and gagged

so shameful
my warfare

im so clingy
and insecure

my bitter heart
gone hard with cold 

drained of each drop
I'm like a tramp

boxing day
was for fights

after Christmas
was magical

broken our bond
mass hypnotised 

061217

mass hypnosis 

drained of every drop of life
she made me feel like a tramp 

boxing day was for fights 
after that magical Christmas 

embarrassed and humiliated 
the grief has torn us apart 
has broken our bond 

the guilt made us fight 


051217 

strangled with rage
im choked and gagged 

so shameful 
my warfare

im so clingy 
and insecure
my bitter heart 

has gone hard with cold 

031217 / 041217

strangled with rage 
im choked and gagged 

so ashamed
of my warfaring soul 

Im so clingy and insecure 
my bitter heart 

has gone hard with cold 

song : the gorilla mirror

011217

grinding my teeth 
with shredded nerves
glitter is gone
she's got the nark 

hostile am i ? 
too offensive
I'm just a human 
not just a case 

i have been smacked 
she doesnt like me 
im not allowed
my angry feelins 

with shaking hands 
and pounding heart 
she's on safari 
hunting me down  

too busy making 
her body thin
she's like a mirror 
insecure she 

281117

my hands are shaking 

and my heart pounding
so frightening feeling alone in the silence

281117

my nurse is on safari 
literally ! 
hunting gorillas ...

a furry tail ending ! 

251117

its more difficult for a woman to use force
but we can certainly create pressure 
like manipulating things 
or if its a vulnerable man 
threatening to leave him 
if he doesnt have sex with you 

and booting other people out the way 
like I've got to have this person at any cost 
make a conquest 
and plant that flag 

241117

still reeling from the impact

asking for it ... 

no thats in YOUR head 

241117 

shamed ... 
she's too busy dieting 
to care about me 

still reeling from the impact

241117 

presumptuous ? 

Im grinding my teeth 
my nerves are all shredded 

bullied 
n all the glitter is gone 
someone else got the nark

apparently I'm hostile 
and offensive
theres a human being in here ! 
not just a patient 

i feel as if I've been spanked 
and she doesnt like me 
n I'm not allowed to feel angry ? 

she's probably embarrassed 
when she goes to the loo ! 

like she's a mirror 
of insecurity  

song : I've taken the wrong meds

n im stuck here 
with a patient 
sitting outside 
in the night 

empty church hall
when they've all gone 
and turned out 
the lights 

I've taken the wrong meds
I'm out of control
speeding on caffiene 
my toys are all broke

I've broken a machine 
my friends have all left 

injured myself 
n im stuck here in the night 

181117 / 191117 

n im stuck here 
with a patient 

sitting outside
in the night 

deserted church hall
when they've turned out the lights 

I've taken the wrong meds 
n im out of control 

caffeine like speed ... 
my toys are in bits

n now I have broken 
a machine

my friends 
have all left me alone

I've injured myself 

181117 / 191117 

n im stuck with another mental patient 

sitting outside a deserted church 
on a dark night 

I've taken the wrong meds 
n im raging out of control 
speeding on caffeine ... 

my toys are in bits

n now I've broken a machine
my friends have left me 
n I've injured myself 

1 

this morbid obsession

n im stuffing my anger 

deep inside

so helpless 

2

i want to follow 

where ere she goes 

where that is 

she may be

3

cling to the wire monkey 

the motherboard

its all i have 

her cold embrace 

4

no status or dignity 

n I'm going off the rails 

shrouded in a veil of death

1 
this morbid obsession
n im stuffing my anger 
deep inside
feeling so helpless 
2
n i want to follow 
where ere she goes 
wherever that is 
she may be
3
attached to the wire monkey 
the motherboard
its all i have 
her cold embrace 
4
no status or dignity 
n I'm going off the rails 
shrouded in a veil of death

121117 / 131117 / 141117 / 161117 

this morbid obsession

n im stuffing my anger 

deep inside

i want my mummy 

n i want to follow her 

wherever she went

i just feel so helpless

attached to the wire monkey
the motherboard
its all i have
her cold embrace

no status or dignity
n I'm going off the rails
shrouded in a veil of death

1
the baby she cried for me
she could see i wasnt happy

i slammed a door
this is war
n then the sound of sirens 
2
they are coming to take me away
i don't know what to do 

this hurt feeling
a herd of cattle
nerves a jingle jangling 
3
this prickly heat
high on caffeine
i just feel so angry 

i don't know why
no second chance
cus she's gone gone gone 

song : the baby cried for me

the baby cried for me
she could see i wasnt happy

i slammed a door
this is war

n then the sirens
they are coming to take me away

i just don't know what to do
with this hurt feeling
being herded like cattle

my nerves are jingle jangling
in this prickly heat
n you could blame it on the caffeine

i just feel so angry
n i don't know why
n i don't get no second chance
cus she's gone gone gone

the baby cried for me 
she could see i wasnt happy 

091117

i slammed a door 
this is war 

n then the sirens 
they are coming to take me away 

061117 / 081117 

i just don't know what to do 
with this hurt feeling 
being herded like cattle 

071117

my nerves are  jingle jangling 
in this prickly heat

n you could blame it on the caffeine 

i just feel so angry 
n i don't know why
n i don't get no second chance 
cus she's gone gone gone 

song : familiar sounds

i just get too needy and clingy
and then i feel hurt and rejected

lairy sounds going on next door
through the thin walls
just one layer of brick

n its like they're in here
theres a party going on 

and I'm just here on my own
not used to being grown up

I'm used to hearing people swearing
arguing and banging doors

with aggressive dogs and people 
dragging bags of empty glass ...

people howling with their grief
you look much older dear

a biscuit to cheer you up
you can smash it up in your gob

051117

i just get too needy and clingy
and then i feel hurt and rejected 

lairy swearing going on next door 
through the thin walls 
just one layer of brick 
n its like they're in here 

theres a party going on 
and I'm just here on my own 

n im not used to being the grown up 

011117 / 021117

n you try to challenge them
n you're on trial ...

I'm used to hearing people arguing and banging doors
with aggressive dogs
people dragging bags of empty glass bottles ...
people howling with grief

you look much older dear
have a biscuit
you can smash that in your gob

its well known 
that 'for what its worth' is about Noel 

but did anyone think 
that 'everybody's on the run' is about Liam ? 

song : robots

this grief is like
im gasping for air
and end up breathing water
so im choked up
shocked, invaded

technology equals master of ceremonies turned wally !

its lost its earthy hand - rubbing magic
things are closing in on me
n i never asked to be born

E = MC squared :

technology equals master of ceremonies turned wally ! 

271017 / 281017 / 301017 

its lost its earthy hand - rubbing magic 

things are closing in on me 

i never asked to be born 

251017

this grief is like 
im gasping for air 
and end up breathing water 
so i choke 

shocked, invaded 

song : still taking the valium

still taking the valium
he sounds like someone is being murdered
he sounds like nothing on earth
i can feel it creeping up my spine

there are 2 rottweilers in there
barking their heads off

i know what they are going to say
that I'm up having a bath at 2 in the morning
i sometimes have a quick wash
and i think its a bit creepy
there is a couple next door
lying in bed listening to me having a wash

song : its all my fault

n i don't get no second chance 

feel so shaky 

with a sore and broken heart  

n I'm angry
with this abominable pain
I've lost control 

n i can't fix it
the silence is deafening me
the terror and emptiness
of being alone 

n its my fault
if things go wrong 

is this some sort of punishment ?

i feel so stupid
everybody else
seems to know what to do 

191017

and I've started composing a new tune on the piano
which started last night as i was asleep !
i woke up composing this thing
which i couldn't seem to pin down until later on
i don't remember having a dream like that before
someone from SLAA
said to write down your dreams
and also to relate them to what was happening the day before
i think if you take note of your dreams
and pay attention to them
they can become more lucid and vivid
with complex meanings and stories attached

161017 / 171017 

feeling shaky 

my broken heart 
is so sore 
n i don't get a second chance