300419 / 010519 

n it all looked really arty 

n the three of us 
watched porn together 
which was a bit of a laugh 

so anyway 
Brooke agreed to watch 
and take photographs 

290419 

he locks the door 
and threatens me with a knife     
i have to wait till his is asleep  
n struggle with the lock
before bolting down the road  

n then a few weeks later 
i would go back there ... 

290419 

n there was sharing going on 

Brooke archives from 2008

hanging upside down
the starry ocean
a jelly haze

15.04.08.


spiral dresses
cheek the tinsel
and cotton things
leave a tree more
than enough for
you and me

fanfare of
little whistles
herald a chest of
jelly fruit opened
before that night
reflecting sparks
of a wrapper

your stilettoes
compliment the
muscle under the
gauze. As throngs
of excited guitar
beat applause

the others
have yet to see
as darkness does
hung with silver
icicles and lace
candy bows

what is she
doing draped
over a leg mock
drunk and laying
a claim to what
is not mine

my stocking
holds nothing
like this but the
other ones post
in there some
odd ideas

abruptly
blindfold by
a pair of hands
to where have I
fallen and can
I get back

did I ask
you to turn
out the light?
in my opinion
it's all rather
sudden

all that
was left were
blue tree-lights
quicken dance
before this
shadow

22.11.08./23.11.08.


this bumper
gonna end up
a sardine with
a driver like her
.. what a way to
go with garish
lights ringing
in your ears!

funny how
fast love hits
speeding in the
other direction

16.04.09


shadows
of chiffon cuffs
crackle in the glow
softly softly his
socks bit of
a wizz

a moon heads
a skeleton cloud
the muse gathered
up his reins riding
endorphins and
sugar star

now
you act and
I will not take
it seriously! you
are transported
to another
decade


6.02.09./6.03.09.

his hair
looks subtle
under the chiffon
how about his mate
kept in suspense
thick fingers
study the
elastic

we paint
his chest with
khol and fruited
lipsalve trace contours
of his chest. That oil of
cherry testosterone
mmmm!

bit of an
acquired taste
watching this mix
under a veil. Strange
how a big tongue
can get so lippy


15.05.09./17.05.09.

280419 

our rampant promiscuity 
is something we share with the chimps 

n you think the weirdest things 
while you are doing it 

im not going to 
actually prostitute myself for her 
but you are back in the game 

this is a wild card 
a throw of the dice 

280419 

n i have never written any poetry 
about this guy 

archives from 2009

sketch 6

my blindfold is a stocking 

I like the way they look.

Why they do shine tonight

he twinkles at me 

what does it mean

the throng moves him along 

truffle images and that

he looked at her 

through the mask 

in a different way.

Cleaning up 

I find things I don't remember

takes his
white lace out of a hat 

and winds it around his leg.

I feel myself stiffen ready to run

scent of an atmosphere
trails over the rooms 

gushing from the door

the muse
follows me out

wearing just his tights 

and a jester hat.

I gather
my wits

what is so funny 

he can hardly stand up.

He grapples me for the handle

the snow
prepared itself

my shadow crawls the canvas. 

I am no hostage

26.01.09./01.02.09.

260419 

n that wasnt where i landed 

n several years later 
i realised how i felt 
n he was married ... 

like being buried alive  

post traumatic sex disorder 

word jam : geek rap

n sometimes you have a fantasy 
about two of them 

Greenland is on fire 

rivers and forests 
flow through her 
birds chirping in her head 
the twinkling of a mountain stream 

to have an actual experience 

getting off the internet 
coming together 
in a meditative trance 

feeling the pavement 
physcial contact 
with the policemen
a throwback to the '60s 

we want something real 
that we can touch and taste 

n we're tired
we're tired of being slaves to machine 
driving ourselves on 
like literal robots 

never stopping to smell the roses 

n Scary n I 
couldn't survive this world 
this world was too brutal 
for Scarey n I 

hey stupid, whaddda you think your doing ? 

n you'd feel it wasnt cool to say 
but he seemed different 

makes him feel like you don't trust him 
makes him feel spied on , n watched 
and controlled 

n this is a kind of dissociative thing 

n Scarey was into online porn
like most people  

n she felt a bit paranoid about it 
wondering if he was using videos of her 
as a pizza to add to the trippyness  

they called it the pasty tax 

he said the wallpaper 
was peeling off the walls 

i called him a nasty Jesus 

next i saw stars, they were spinning around 
a sparkling egg moon  
clickety clack 
of gravelly, zombie spice 

260419 

n sometimes you have a fantasy 
about two of them 

he doesnt seem to be bothered 

250419 

so if I've gone off sex 
does that mean 
i want to do it with someone else ? 

240419 

n men are tired
of being a hero  
being asked for the DIY
of paying in restaurants 

tired of having their children 

taken away from them 

they are tired 
of being a stick, a tool 

240419 

n i can only do this online 

so yeah , basically a flight 

trouble is ill pretend
im not thinking about my exes 

wondering what might have been 

200419 / 210419 / 230419 

i saw stars, they were spinning around 

sparkles 

egg moon 

clickety clack 
gravelly, zombie spice 

190419

they're threatening to hurt my family 

her husband is picking me up 
i will try not to get onto suggestive topics   

you're half way through 
and suddenly you feel bored 
and you can't say it 

so you go through the motions 

n i always get a bored bit 
before it starts up again  

don't try don't try 

he thinks I've fallen for it  !

word jam : Notre Dame est en colere

not enough likes
on social media 
n now i feel like death 

looks like i pressed 
the self destruct button again 

so no victory jack today then  

Notre Dame est en colere

in order to do magic 
you have to risk your life 
n my magic trick 
ended in disaster 

still pretty churned up and triggered

addicted to the shock 
the daze, the annihilation  

n im outta my skull

adrenalin, delerium
n crack cocaine 
means something different to me  

i feel all his pain 
and his suffering 
and his agony  
n his pain is my pain 
his desperate attempt 
to communicate his feelings 

locking the door alarmed me
is he going to  pull a knife on me ? 

n this is the kind of guy 
i would go out with 

we're all one he said
n these words were echoed years later  

we gave up alcohol, fags, cannabis 
all at once 
so that we could feel our feelings 
n Fox is the straight edged one 

his honesty with his feelings 
was mind blowing 

n you would not believe 
the Trixie's partner 
actually had him water boarded 
so she could do the job 

there were my three greatest loves 
n i needed psychiatric help 

warning bells 
in a cage with a wild animal 

180419 

still pretty churned up and triggered

addicted to the shock 
the daze, the annihilation 
oblivion overtook 

n im outta my skull

adrenalin, delerium

n crack cocaine 

means something different to me  

180419 

unspeakable loss 

i feel all his pain 
and his suffering 
and his agony  
n his pain is my pain 

locking the door alarmed me
is he going to  pull a knife on me ? 

170419 

the moon is telling me 
to keep left 
mwah Scarey mwah, mwahaha ! 

170419 

i refrained from asking him 
how to fix my door lock 
just cus he's a man 

160419 

yes n he doesnt want to 
leave his partner either ... 

n Scarey was all bitey n scratchy n punchy 
n he was frenzied 

160419 

Notre Dame est en colere 

so have i shown 
my ugly side ? 

140419 

we're all one he said
n these words were echoed years later 
by my mentor 

I've gone in 
where nobody can reach me 
due to unbearable pain 

he is also an adult child 

we gave up alcohol, fags, cannabis 
all at once 
so that we could feel our feelings 
n Fox is the straight edged one 

140419

i was writing songs 
about one of my exes 
remembering the good times 

vey much, my magic trick 
ended in disaster x x 

130419 

i didnt get much out of that he said
i don't want to miss a part of me 
by being scared 

n i was so impressed 

130419 

so in order to do magic 
you have to take risks 
and risk your life 
or do something sexual 

it seems to work for Dev 

130419 

the star winked at me 
then disappeared 

130419 

n you would not believe 
his partner actually had him water boarded 
so she could do the job 

n if i thought about the Trixie 
then that would work too 
except that the Trixie's partner 
would not give up without a fight 

n i was saying 
these were my 3 greatest loves
that caused me the most pain 

n i needed psychiatric help 

120419 

n yeah 
really effed up in the head
swallowing a ball 
of read hot lead 

look what a mess i have made 

word jam : a mouth full of remorse

the stars are playing hide and seek 
in the clouds  

to work is to sell out 
i can get away with it 
bit like Gary McKinnon

people sitting on the desks in the office 
looking out of a dirty window 

n i been in all kinds of religious cults as well 
chasing spirits and symbols about 
ducking under signs , 
kicking over cones
speaking in tongues 

while I'm chatting to my ex boyfriends 
my partner is getting neglected 

finding him requires some effort

n i was always a gormless geek 
with no instant quips 

ha ha 
do you remember 
when we went camping 
we made such a mess 
people said we were a health hazard ! 

you got lost
n reappeared on a bus

but he was so sharp 
n he always knew what i was feeling  
even before i knew it 

how could something so brilliant 
turn so violent ? 

biting my fingers
till i howled like an old man 

and i put him 
in a neck collar 
n this is romance 

n broke his finger 
felt like a murderer
eating a fast food breakfast 
on the way back 
to my lonely den 
a mouth full of remorse   

110419 

seems fun 
to revisit the friendship 
that was within the relationship 

which of course we lost 

n i was always a gormless geek 

110419

actual paint 

n then there was my friend Brooke 
n nobody will ever be 
as much fun as her

n what we did 
to the know it all Fritz 

110419 

stank the place out with garlic 

ha ha 
do you remember 
when we went camping 
we made such a mess 
people said we were a health hazard ! 

090419

how could someone so brilliant 
be so violent ? 

but he was so sharp 
n he always knew what i was feeling  
even before i knew it 

080519 

n its a magical book 

the stars are playing hide and seek 
in the clouds  

while I'm chatting to my ex boyfriends 
my partner is getting neglected 

finding him requires some effort

080419

he kicked his mother in the head 
and i put him 
in a neck collar 
n this is romance 

n broke his finger 
i felt like a murderer
eating a fast food breakfast 
on the way back 
to my lonely den 
a mouth full of remorse   

word jam : tree hugging

another one 
where we were hugging strangers 
looking into their eyes 
n saying that i love you 

n i been to all kinds of groups
tree hugging to conflict circles 
encounter groups, pow wows 
n trauma role play

the smell of his sweat
after eating ginger 
young n lean, i fell hard 

these feelings 
thundering in my chest

nothing wrong he said 
are you saying you're a real female ? 
just giving love  

Fox is a master of black magic they said 

n i was hooked for 10 years 
n a part of me still is 
still holds a mystery 

i still carry a small backpack 
ready to bolt 

the crisp snow
falling on the leaves 
the stillness so romantic 
n this is romance
not the chocolates and flowers 

just eating a piece of snow 
chilled to the bone 

in his cold kitchen 
smell of basil tea 
and dog piss 
some strange cleaning fluid
and the love potion 

dreamy , drifting away 

n these were my formative years 

i don't want to do it he said   
then ill be just like all the rest of them 

like a baby bird he said 
feeding me with his finger 

then someone you love 
more than anything 
bam right on the forehead 

060419 

then bam right on the forehead 
from someone you love 
more than anything 

and biting my fingers 
till i howled like an old man 

050419 

the smell of his sweat
after eating ginger 
young n lean, i fell hard 

nothing wrong he said 
are you saying you're a real female ? 
just giving love  

Fox is a master of black magic they said 

n i was hooked for 10 years 
n a part of me still is 
still holds a mystery 

i still carry a small backpack 
ready to bolt 

the crisp snow

falling on the leaves 

the stillness so romantic 

n this is romance

not the chocolates and flowers 

just eating a piece of snow 

chilled to the bone 

040419 

in his cold kitchen 
smell of basil tea 
and dog urine 
some strange cleaning fluid
and the love potion 

dreamy , drifting away