010920
do you ever feel that a hair has got caught ?
the harpie Nic and cloud clockwork and bisto are not welcome to read my blog or use me in any way , there are thoughts in your own head huns
Sunday, 30 August 2020
300820
what I liked about Ghandi from what I know
some of which is from the film and some from Indian mythology
he was the founder of ' passive resistance '
whereby you win by surrendering
like when the British are about to shoot a group of civilians
he turns to the civilians and said we must not fight back
and in this way he won the sympathy of the world
and the independence of India
also known as ahimsa or turning the other cheek
used in martial arts as a strategy
nobody does that 100 % of the time even Ghandi
Saturday, 29 August 2020
word jam : use your voice
girls being filmed
paranoid delusions ?
with the first stage
you get the twitching and stuff
but the bang is further on
online affairs ?
what about cheating online ?
sounds less harmful
but these things can go on for years
I feel pretty positive about myself these days
I just dont feel tough enough for the job market
does not mean I am a worthless human being !
life aint like the movies
big waves crashing over me
im out of my depth
what if the tide is going out ?
stop panicking and let the powerful bring you in
you can't stand up to them
they dragged me up onto the beach
and i couldn't move
a man came and got me out
is it a ' man ' thing ?
ive heard that men are more hung up about success
and women more about their looks
which is all conditioning
and can be unprogrammed
well according to my celebrity crush anyway
a certain person would take my fingernails
if i let her
very good sleeps !
starry dreams and healings
in magical sleepy land !
alot of women can only get to the ' bang ' by themselves
although getting it with a man i know is certainly possible
chasing the big O
in my younger days
i wasnt all about the orgasm
i was more of a love addict then
waiting for my friends to arrive
in a burst of stardust , bells jangling
and all happy talk arrives !
looks like from the weather report
I should be in bed by 5
rhythms and patterns in nature
the graph lines
joining strings of water lilies
the rhythm of the sea
use your voice
open your mouth first
Wednesday, 26 August 2020
260820
using other members ideas
sometimes happens, sometimes it hurts
if you see a similar thread to yours
when that member didnt acknowledge yours
like you do a post about toys
and then someone does another post about toys
when yours is still current
can make you feel rejected
I do sometimes digress into a new thread
like today there is a thread about cheating
and I thought what if you are cheating online
maybe that is a different topic
but ive put something in my thread to acknowledge that
other times I might have posted on the other thread
to join in with it or to give a compliment to the OP
before I digress into my own tangent of it
so as not to be off topic on their thread
or impolite
what is the protocol
regarding making a similar thread to your fellow members ?
using other members ideas
sometimes happens, sometimes it hurts
if you see a similar thread to yours
when that member didnt acknowledge yours
like you do a post about toys
and then someone does another post about toys
when yours is still current
can make you feel rejected
I do sometimes digress into a new thread
like today there is a thread about cheating
and I thought what if you are cheating online
maybe that is a different topic
but ive put something in my thread to acknowledge that
other times I might have posted on the other thread
to join in with it or to give a compliment to the OP
before I digress into my own tangent of it
so as not to be off topic on their thread
or impolite
what is the protocol
regarding making a similar thread to your fellow members ?
230820
not really like that actually it just looks that way !
they might regret having kids, they might be stuck with their partner
out of necessity and hate their job !!!
a large proportion of young adults still live at home
which enables them to save for their own place
people just put on a cheerful front thats all
what you are doing is beating yourself up
which keeps you stuck instead of looking at your good points
its something I struggle with myself
especially since the lock down
sometimes its fun to be self critical
but I'm sure you have other talents !
you could put some of those things as positives
you passed some exams at one point ! you did university !
maybe you are gentle and not aggressive !
maybe you are not arrogant
one day you might help someone else in the same boat
well one thing is I find your posts very readable
and passing exams at all is an achievement
feeling like we are not cut out for this world
well I think you will find alot of us here feel like that
im not working either but I have made myself useful
with volunteering and hobbies
I feel pretty positive about myself these days
I just dont feel tough enough for the job market
does not mean I am a worthless human being !
the right friends will like you for who you are
to be honest I actually have reset my brain
with the help of some professionals
and my peers
I remember when I started in treatment
one of my peers said to me
' life aint like the movies ' !
not really like that actually it just looks that way !
they might regret having kids, they might be stuck with their partner
out of necessity and hate their job !!!
a large proportion of young adults still live at home
which enables them to save for their own place
people just put on a cheerful front thats all
what you are doing is beating yourself up
which keeps you stuck instead of looking at your good points
its something I struggle with myself
especially since the lock down
sometimes its fun to be self critical
but I'm sure you have other talents !
you could put some of those things as positives
you passed some exams at one point ! you did university !
maybe you are gentle and not aggressive !
maybe you are not arrogant
one day you might help someone else in the same boat
well one thing is I find your posts very readable
and passing exams at all is an achievement
feeling like we are not cut out for this world
well I think you will find alot of us here feel like that
im not working either but I have made myself useful
with volunteering and hobbies
I feel pretty positive about myself these days
I just dont feel tough enough for the job market
does not mean I am a worthless human being !
the right friends will like you for who you are
to be honest I actually have reset my brain
with the help of some professionals
and my peers
I remember when I started in treatment
one of my peers said to me
' life aint like the movies ' !
250820
like aged 20 I watched Sign O the Times by Prince
I dont know how many times
I kept going to the cinema in my lunch break
to watch it again
and then there was the first Tombraider
with Angelina Jolie
at that age I didnt know that life wasnt like the movies
so I tried to live life as if I was in those movies !
like aged 20 I watched Sign O the Times by Prince
I dont know how many times
I kept going to the cinema in my lunch break
to watch it again
and then there was the first Tombraider
with Angelina Jolie
at that age I didnt know that life wasnt like the movies
so I tried to live life as if I was in those movies !
240820
I went swimming in a choppy sea !
with a friend who is much fitter than me
the water was warm
I swam for a few minutes and then panicked
at the big waves crashing over me
and turned upside down
but then I pulled myself together
and said no , face down
let the waves take you to the shore
which they did they dragged me to the beach
and I couldn't move
so a man came over and helped my friend
to get me to my feet
first time in the sea for years !
I went swimming in a choppy sea !
with a friend who is much fitter than me
the water was warm
I swam for a few minutes and then panicked
at the big waves crashing over me
and turned upside down
but then I pulled myself together
and said no , face down
let the waves take you to the shore
which they did they dragged me to the beach
and I couldn't move
so a man came over and helped my friend
to get me to my feet
first time in the sea for years !
Sunday, 23 August 2020
word jam : life as a hologram
patterns or shape shifters
mmmm anything to mask the pain
hence the word ' vice '
which could be anything really
as long as ive got one !
a vice that has you by the short and curlies
I think hormones get involved with all addictions
n yeah the lockdown has made this worse
I feel disconnected from the flow of heart energy
needing to talk to someone voice to voice
a feeling of surrendering to the eye of the storm ?
the night time is so magical isn't it
and like you said about the wind
staring at the dark windy trees
makes you feel things,
I dont know, I take my time because I want to feel
forgot to add that i used a toothbrush and cotton buds to paint with
a piece of washing up sponge !
and some burrs and twigs from nature
when i woke up today
i felt as if i was holding a real cat in my arms
stroking its tummy fur
i had a virtual play fight
with a friends cat the night before night ...
the switch doctor
is complaining about spam porn death threats
and also making them
the scolds bridle
hormones can cause teenage tantrums
at any age
maybe i should take more care
to hide where I've been
since alot of the action
happens on the internet these days
we always talk about testosterone fuelled males
and soft gentle women full of oestrogen
forgetting we all have these things
does oestrogen make people more caring ?
im expressing my feelings
in order to pass through them
shit i havent had any children
cus im a fucking artist
and what a fucked up life its been !
i dont know what he sees in me
im just old and fat and in pain ...
and i don't want to be his mother
even with revenge porn
permission was given for the film in the first place !!!
this seems to happpen on saturdays
people goading and baiting me about him
I've invested love
the beauty of the universe and nature
is encapsulated by the poetry made about it
and poetry can alter the future of history
is about material derivatives , there is a certain art in the scientists
that work with these things
life as a hologram ?
even in theoretical physics
nobody knows how gravity works
they just know that it works
like the boing of a diving board
so maybe you are in love with one person
and usually your mind is having fantasies about them
then sometimes you have a fantasy about someone else
and I thought why is that ?
maybe a way to cope , to strengthen our mind
so that we dont drown in our love for one person ?
Thursday, 20 August 2020
Sunday, 16 August 2020
googling :
" Traditionally, testosterone and estrogen have been considered to be male and female sex hormones, respectively. However, estradiol, the predominant form of estrogen, also plays a critical role in male sexual function. Estradiol in men is essential for modulating libido, erectile function, and spermatogenesis "
we always talk about testosterone fuelled males
and soft gentle women full of oestrogen
forgetting we all have these things . Do we ? not sure I like to have testosterone
but there is a bit of hair on my chin ! ( which I cut off ! )
does oestrogen make people more caring ?
how do you feel is your own hormonal balance ?
" Traditionally, testosterone and estrogen have been considered to be male and female sex hormones, respectively. However, estradiol, the predominant form of estrogen, also plays a critical role in male sexual function. Estradiol in men is essential for modulating libido, erectile function, and spermatogenesis "
we always talk about testosterone fuelled males
and soft gentle women full of oestrogen
forgetting we all have these things . Do we ? not sure I like to have testosterone
but there is a bit of hair on my chin ! ( which I cut off ! )
does oestrogen make people more caring ?
how do you feel is your own hormonal balance ?
" Theoretical astrophysicist David N. Spergel has described cosmology as a "historical science" because "when we look out in space, we look back in time" due to the finite nature of the speed of light "
I always thought I was looking back in time
I wrote poetry about it
" exemplified by Marcus Aurelius's observation that a man's place in that relationship: "He who does not know what the world is does not know where he is, and he who does not know for what purpose the world exists, does not know who he is, nor what the world is."
the beauty of the universe and nature
is encapsulated by the poetry made about it
and poetry can alter the future of history
" For example, in fluid dynamics, the velocity field is the flow velocity, and the quantity of interest might be the temperature of the fluid. In which case, the material derivative then describes the temperature change of a certain fluid parcel with time, as it flows along its pathline (trajectory) "
is about material derivatives , there is a certain art in the scientists
that work with these things
" Subject space-time to the same fluid dynamics and where to we arrive? "
life as a hologram ?
" Theoretical physics is a cornerstone of modern quantitative science, on which so much else rests. It is perhaps the highest-impact, lowest-cost area of basic research. The field advances our fundamental understanding of the universe, and seeds the technologies of tomorrow "
thanks Ghost , to be honest I'm googling and using bits and pieces from school !
everything ive posted here is a new discovery for me !
ha ha !
Nobody fully understands how gravity works, or even why gravity exists. One way of looking at gravity is to think of it not as a force like magnetism, but instead as a natural result of the way mass bends space. Any object with mass (like a star) pushes on space and bends it, so that other objects (like planets) that are moving in a straight line are also going around the star. It looks to us like the star is pulling on the planet, but really the star is bending space
so the key is not to ask why but how !
word jam : im a cat get me out of here
im a cat get me out of here !
i cant go paragliding
with a mask on
and im not ill enough
to jump out of a window
and giving birth to a bird would be cruel
ive never met a man
who couldnt control himself sexually
im not looking for a man to pay my way
like there is only one way to be educated ?
but someone who expresses his feelings ...
not to feel bad about his difficulties
maybe it also depends
if they are watching videos of people they know , their exes
or derivatives made from revenge porn
I think these things are possible these days
for a bounty troll
im in the way of progress ?
gagged ?
an ingnorant pig
what will people think ?
what do you need to know first about a person
before you have sex with them ?
beating myself up in the heat and sweat
dirty and unclean , disgusting
im a bitch i really am !
its so hot the birds
are still asleep at dawn apart from one owl !
i struggle
because the feelings coming up are painful
people express their discomfor
in order to heal themselves
i feel embarrassed , ive made a mistake
and feel ashamed ,
and im jealous that shes using my material
without my permission
disgusted with myself
after she watched me through the keyhole
guilty as though it were my fault
say it is
and then it wont be
the switch doctor
is sitting on the fence
not sure i realy wanted to end it
i just feel i have to
because the relationship would be trouble
they make a sound proof hut for their therapies
so that the client can shout and wail about their pain
most people are not aware
of the emotional revolution
Friday, 14 August 2020
140820
yes I think the problem with her stalker
are foremost that he was a stalker !
bringing in these other things like being unemployed ...
well alot of us are unemployed
im not looking for a man who can get me employed
or pay my way
im not well enough to be employed
and I claim assistance
which I would continue to do if I were to meet someone
uneducated ? like there is only one way to be educated ?
needy ? might be someone endearing who expresses his feelings ...
yes I think the problem with her stalker
are foremost that he was a stalker !
bringing in these other things like being unemployed ...
well alot of us are unemployed
im not looking for a man who can get me employed
or pay my way
im not well enough to be employed
and I claim assistance
which I would continue to do if I were to meet someone
uneducated ? like there is only one way to be educated ?
needy ? might be someone endearing who expresses his feelings ...
140820
someone was posting recently about partner watching porn
and I thought that maybe it also depends
if they are watching videos of people they know , their exes
or derivatives made from revenge porn
like if they are distributing videos of yourself
or giving those videos to their new partner
to use as inspiration
I think these things are possibly nowadays
so that its not always possible to know
if you are still in a relationship with someone
someone was posting recently about partner watching porn
and I thought that maybe it also depends
if they are watching videos of people they know , their exes
or derivatives made from revenge porn
like if they are distributing videos of yourself
or giving those videos to their new partner
to use as inspiration
I think these things are possibly nowadays
so that its not always possible to know
if you are still in a relationship with someone
Wednesday, 12 August 2020
Tuesday, 11 August 2020
120820 2.50 am
so recently of course most of my meetings have been online
zoom, email forums, or phone
well with the exception perhaps of phone
im wondering to what extent this situation causes people
to be in performance mode ?
I noticed that I didnt speak up to someone on my 12 step meeting
where in real life I might have done
she said something to suggest
that everyone should like this heat wave !
will we feel the same way at Christmas I wonder ?
because my support groups have always been places
where people could express their feelings about anything
and in fact especially at Christmas
people express their discomfort
with awkward family gatherings
in order to heal themselves
when talking on a screen
might people unconsciously feel they are on television ?
so recently of course most of my meetings have been online
zoom, email forums, or phone
well with the exception perhaps of phone
im wondering to what extent this situation causes people
to be in performance mode ?
I noticed that I didnt speak up to someone on my 12 step meeting
where in real life I might have done
she said something to suggest
that everyone should like this heat wave !
will we feel the same way at Christmas I wonder ?
because my support groups have always been places
where people could express their feelings about anything
and in fact especially at Christmas
people express their discomfort
with awkward family gatherings
in order to heal themselves
when talking on a screen
might people unconsciously feel they are on television ?
Saturday, 8 August 2020
Friday, 7 August 2020
word jam : ghostly chic
the Author also known as the Switch Doctor
steep road, rubbish , clock
cowboy ? the end
hen or kangaroo ?
the song is like a ghostly chic
oh yes and the magic roundabout
where you have to kick to make it spin
lucky dip
I like camping holidays best
feeling close to the earth
trekking about , I would go to a green camp
and do tree hugging workshops
and workshops where you hug strangers and stuff
the lockdown has given me more contact with the supernatural realms
and alien things which is a blissful thing
its hard to come back
I just dont seem to be normal any more
wearing my scars with pride
' cringe ' fashion statements, geeks n stuff
wearing really bizarre things
if you were a tree or a season or plant
or element like earth wind or fire
what would you say
maybe the nurturing is the willow trees
and the giving of strength from the wind
I will take Cherry blossom for now ,
it says' make the most of me im not here for long ! '
k thanks , I be an orange tree !
' I have a sharp tang and I will do you good ' !
got a flashback today of the playground
I was at nursery school sitting at a little table with other children
there was a plate of jam tarts in the middle for sharing
I reached out to take one ( it looks huge in my memory )
I think it was a red one, they were different colours
there was a girl opposite me said
' actually I was going to have that ! "
my favourite scent is Neroli
which is very expensive so I dont usually buy it
it creates quite a trance
does everything have to be an analogy ?
you know, when someones post or statement
does not really mean what it says
but is representing something else they want to prove
like ' the weather is realy brightening up here '
actually means ' im winning the argument with another member '
that a persons every word is cryptic
as if were the secret service or something !
it must be awful for them
not to be able to realy express themselves
must be very lonely
i guess im his latest hostage
all this love
oozing out of him like Bradley Cooper
stop still my heart and let us heal
its like i will say right thats it
nothing doing here , I've had enough
and then he surges out of the water
to bite me again
Thursday, 6 August 2020
Jun 28, 2020
Add bookmark
#1
especially from the lockdown
which ironically seemed to be controlling of people
government control
actually has resulted in laziness and loss of structure
as well as more contact with the supernatural realms and alien things
which is a blissful thing
also too much of it leading to loss of function
and I thought my recovery had brought me back to the conventional worlds
maybe that is not what recovery is
I just dont seem to be normal any more
Add bookmark
#1
especially from the lockdown
which ironically seemed to be controlling of people
government control
actually has resulted in laziness and loss of structure
as well as more contact with the supernatural realms and alien things
which is a blissful thing
also too much of it leading to loss of function
and I thought my recovery had brought me back to the conventional worlds
maybe that is not what recovery is
I just dont seem to be normal any more
030820
and I felt that yes the things that have happened to me
have made me who I am
wearing my scars with pride
I suppose the picture at the top is about physical disability
if I look up mental illness fashion statements
I get something like these which is also related to ' cringe ' fashion
I dont know how mental illness can be a fashion statement
for some people it just is
I used to dress it up alot actually
wearing really bizarre things
and I felt that yes the things that have happened to me
have made me who I am
wearing my scars with pride
I suppose the picture at the top is about physical disability
if I look up mental illness fashion statements
I get something like these which is also related to ' cringe ' fashion
I dont know how mental illness can be a fashion statement
for some people it just is
I used to dress it up alot actually
wearing really bizarre things
300720
if you were a tree or a season or plant or element like earth wind or fire
what would you be and what would you say
maybe the nurturing is the willow trees
because it nurtures us emotionally
and the giving of strength from the wind
because struggling with the wind
strengthens our muscles
so you're a willow tree and I'm a tree
I need to work out which tree !
I will take Cherry blossom for now ,
its one of my favourite trees !
Cherry blossom says
' make the most of me im not here for long ! '
k thanks , I be an orange tree !
n the orange tree says
' I have a sharp tang but I will do you good ' !
The Playground !
Today at 2:33 AM
got a flashback today
I was at nursery school sitting at a little table with other children
there was a plate of jam tarts in the middle for sharing
I reached out to take one ( it looks huge in my memory )
I think it was a red one, they were different colours
there was a girl opposite me said
' actually I was going to have that ! "
Today at 2:33 AM
got a flashback today
I was at nursery school sitting at a little table with other children
there was a plate of jam tarts in the middle for sharing
I reached out to take one ( it looks huge in my memory )
I think it was a red one, they were different colours
there was a girl opposite me said
' actually I was going to have that ! "
does everything have to be an analogy ?
Jul 23, 2020 at 1:59am
you know, when someones post or statement
does not really mean what it says
but is representing something else they want to prove
like ' the weather is realy brightening up here '
actually means ' im winning the argument with another member '
like everyone is proving a point
sometimes its fun to talk in analogies
other times it worries me
that a persons every word is cryptic
as if were the secret service or something !
it must be awful for them not to be able to realy express themselves
must be very lonely