290221
better too tight than too loose !
the harpie Nic and cloud clockwork and bisto are not welcome to read my blog or use me in any way , there are thoughts in your own head huns
Saturday, 27 February 2021
Friday, 26 February 2021
260221
Rowlinson is a man i had a one night fling with in 2014
when i was very unwell with my mental health
i was not in love with him and i did warn him of that
he is now on the forum harrassing me with details of the encounter
in the hope of putting off other men
aided by Chucky who shares his forum identities
Wednesday, 24 February 2021
Monday, 22 February 2021
word jam : valentines in lockdown
220221
some of these words are actually illegal
which is why I hesitate to clarify them
if they were shouted at me in the street
I could report it to the police if I wanted to as hate speech
because laws have been made
not to be offensive to minority groups
The following types of posts are likely to be edited or deleted:
Posts containing personal insults, attacks, innuendo, attempts at provocation, or flaming;
Sexist, racist, ageist, homophobic, transphobic, or disablist posts; "
and on youtube there is a way of reporting hate crime against a protected group
they have a report button for that , which I have used
its a reportable hate crime, and cyber crime
it should also be possible on a debate thread
for different opinions to co-exist,
so the freedom of speech card applies to most opinions
unless they break any laws
I think there is a handful of words that are pretty much illegal
in any context these days and again I'm not going to write them here !
especially words relating to the physically disabled
which people use out of fear
to dismiss the disabled person
same is said of homophobic insults
it is said that people use them because they are afraid
I have had that shouted at me in the street
n yeah having that shouted at you on the bus
is especially hard if you have nobody to talk to about it
sometimes I can find someone to talk to me
other times they are all busy
I'm sorry these things have happened to you
and that you also did not receive help
its true that they don't bother with people until there is
some life threatening situation that they can observe
so today I had enough of hearing someone call themselves
a b****y n****r in a support group for support and emotional wellbeing
this was on zoom, so I said something about it in the zoom chat box
well the whole meeting went quiet
and people had trouble sharing after that I think
which to me suggests they would all like to go on using these kinds of words !
we would not speak like that about any other protected group,
racial groups , physically disabled, homosexuals,
and yet somehow the abuse around mental health lingers ...
its also a way of avoiding sharing their real struggles
to just label themselves that way
without a thought for those who might have been in hospital with it
battles have been fought , sacrifices made and laws passed
on youtube you can report people for hate speech for instance
or if such words are used in a work place
I don't feel the need to spell out the words on here
Sunday, 21 February 2021
Friday, 19 February 2021
Thursday, 18 February 2021
170221
I just got up from the computer to get a snack and a coffee
and realised I could make two trips for that !
one for the snack and one for the coffee ( exciting times ! )
so as to stretch my legs more often
because its easy to just sit here for 2 hours chatting
I also noticed that while watching tv one reaches for the remote
and I can feel my stomach muscles pulling when I reach over
so I could do that movement more often instead of lying there !
what if these micro movements added up
Tuesday, 16 February 2021
140221
word jam : valentines in lockdown
well like someone shouts ' mental case '
in the streets for instance
I find that sort of thing damaging
words like basket case, retard etc
should not be acceptable these days
funny thing is that political correctness
has nothing to do with politics ha ha
sometimes I wonder if I could stretch to a trans female
in terms of attraction
I find that its a romantic ice breaker
to say something self depreciating
to open with my lack of confidence and my worthlessness
it puts the other person at ease
its a way of melting the space between us
i feel like ive got no head no brain
running around like a headless chicken
n i cant work
because everything is too much for me
and its my fault
n im worth nothing
sea sick
I find it a bit of a struggle myself
to focus on my nether regions
but I'm sure its important art work they are dong
screwed up
and all the latests protests worldwide
have something in common
in that they are people threatened by the large corporations
I find the current climate is that its considered old fashioned
to be just straight down the line
with old school conditionings with it
I can't get into the idea of being gay
but I do like men wearing womens clothes , make up etc
I don't like ' being the man '
but I can get into being a dominant woman
just to ring the changes
taking the initiative with a man
when I was at school we use to do it for a dare !
other times its good to keep me trap shut !cats go through a kind of cat ceremony
where you have to prove worthy of acceptance !
gritting my teeth
do you like dishing the dirt ?
do you like wearing womens clothes ?
I've seen fellows harassed mercilessly
because they have started some voluntary work
or are paying a part of their benefits
most schizophrenics don't have the support they would need
in order to hold down a job
spam actresses were sent
to tell me to get out of the way !
burning witches
abrasive , friction
not a performance
a pink lady apple
spiralling
magma
i look like a baby thats scrunched up its face
ready for a tantrum
i look like im being strangled , choking
in the throes of the grip of death
gasping my last
the elation led to a dangerous episode
160221
I always get hurt in romantic relationships,
because there is a lot at stake I think
when you are in one
and both partners become insecure and run away
I do have therapy yes I can't do without a therapist
I mean where would I take my confidential issues ?
I take each day as it comes , my energy levels vary
and are much less than that of a normal person
so im asleep a lot of the time
I've assumed you are male because of the avatar
but the name is a woman name.
But I think you are male is that right ?
just so I know which boundary framework I'm in !
Monday, 15 February 2021
Sunday, 14 February 2021
150221
sky diving is one of the last things on my bucket list
and I'm not allowed to do it ! well not currently anyway
so I thought id make a thread about it
see if it can come true
im not allowed to do it because I have had episodes of psychosis
or have I ?
in the light of recent research I might not have done
because researchers are now looking at whether we can speak to delusional thoughts
instead of medicating them in some cases
so it may be that in a couple of years time I will be officially off my meds
with the sanctity of the doctors approval , possibly
well I just saw someone on Alan Davis Untitled
she did a sky dive and I've not heard this part before
she enjoyed being pushed out of the plane and the free fall at the beginning
then apparently when the parachute goes up
you are woodshed upwards like in a very fast lift !
and she vomited over the instructor !
and then when she landed she passed out !
word jam : valentines in lockdown
well like someone shouts ' mental case '
in the streets for instance
I find that sort of thing damaging
words like basket case, retard etc
should not be acceptable these days
funny thing is that political correctness
has nothing to do with politics ha ha
sometimes I wonder if I could stretch to a trans female
in terms of attraction
I find that its a romantic ice breaker
to say something self depreciating
to open with my lack of confidence and my worthlessness
it puts the other person at ease
its a way of melting the space between us
i feel like ive got no head no brain
running around like a headless chicken
n i cant work
because everything is too much for me
and its my fault
n im worth nothing
sea sick
I find it a bit of a struggle myself
to focus on my nether regions
but I'm sure its important art work they are dong
screwed up
and all the latests protests worldwide
have something in common
in that they are people threatened by the large corporations
I find the current climate is that its considered old fashioned
to be just straight down the line
with old school conditionings with it
I can't get into the idea of being gay
but I do like men wearing womens clothes , make up etc
I don't like ' being the man '
but I can get into being a dominant woman
just to ring the changes
taking the initiative with a man
when I was at school we use to do it for a dare !
other times its good to keep me trap shut !
cats go through a kind of cat ceremony
where you have to prove worthy of acceptance !
gritting my teeth
do you like dishing the dirt ?
do you like wearing womens clothes ?
I've seen fellows harassed mercilessly
because they have started some voluntary work
or are paying a part of their benefits
most schizophrenics don't have the support they would need
in order to hold down a job
spam actresses were sent
to tell me to get out of the way !
burning witches
abrasive , friction
not a performance
a pink lady apple
spiralling
magma
i look like a baby thats scrunched up its face
ready for a tantrum
i look like im being strangled , choking
in the throes of the grip of death
gasping my last
the elation led to a dangerous episode
cats go through a kind of cat ceremony
where you have to prove worthy of acceptance !
gritting my teeth
do you like dishing the dirt ?
do you like wearing womens clothes ?
I've seen fellows harassed mercilessly
because they have started some voluntary work
or are paying a part of their benefits
most schizophrenics don't have the support they would need
in order to hold down a job
spam actresses were sent
to tell me to get out of the way !
burning witches
abrasive , friction
not a performance
a pink lady apple
spiralling
magma
i look like a baby thats scrunched up its face
ready for a tantrum
i look like im being strangled , choking
in the throes of the grip of death
gasping my last
the elation led to a dangerous episode
Saturday, 13 February 2021
130221
they seem to have settled on the term ' cis woman '
to describe someone born as a woman
which doesn't sound very nice !
not sure that has to do with the left though
is political correctness of the left ?
I think women and trans women need to work together on this
for instance over the use of women toilets
a trans woman should in my opinion have some kind of certification
from a doctor before she is allowed to use women toilets
because of incidents where that right was abused ...
a trans woman should be concerned not to put her sisters at risk
Friday, 12 February 2021
120221
thats interesting because last I saw of Thunberg
she was co-operating with the pandemic measures
in such a way, she was seeing some good in it
in terms of how the world might change
the protests in India are supported by western governments it seems
unlike similar protests in our own countries
yes that seems to be what its about
farm production being increasingly taken over by large corporations
one of the farmers said he may as well die at the protests
rather than die on his farm
110221 / 120221
I find the current climate
is that its considered old fashioned to be just straight down the line
whatever that means, or if you have traces of old school conditionings with it
I can't get into the idea of being gay
but I do like men wearing womens clothes , make up etc
I don't like ' being the man '
but I can get into being a dominant woman sometimes
just to ring the changes
kind of tutti fruity thats interesting B
not sure I can stretch that far
but I do sometimes enjoy taking the initiative with a man
when I was at school we use to do it for a dare !
other times its good to keep me trap shut !
Thursday, 11 February 2021
110221
peer mentoring
we're encouraged to seek help from the course tutors
so I said I'm finding it difficult to switch off from the course
which makes it difficult to switch back on to the course
when I can't get a break from it
I've asked if we might talk about this during a class at some point
see if anyone else has the same thing going on
get some tips from each other
100221
the freedom of speech card
every now and then the powers that be
have a drive to get the disabled back to work to save money
they discover afresh that it costs more to get them back to work
than it does to pay their benefits
so it then closes down the opportunities and gives up on them
taking away useful workshops and study schemes
I've seen fellows harassed mercilessly
because they have started some voluntary work
or are paying a part of their benefits
Tuesday, 9 February 2021
070221
I hope you will hold on and wait for people to help you here
since you have taken the trouble to join ...
your value does not only lie in getting back into work
not everyone is able to do that
I don't think I will ever be able myself
and I've learned to value myself in other ways
have a think about what you enjoy in life apart from work
and who and what you value for yourself
word jam : forbidden fruit pie
its just evolution which floors me as well sometimes
the gold watch should be sold
and the profits divided amongst his slaves !
the earth stopped running under my bare feet
hypnotised in a rigid trance
i was locked inside a transparent coffin
eyes scrunched up tight
dizzy like my head will burst any minute
concentrating intensely
leaking paranormal energy
20s Vaudeville fringe theatre
suddenly i was bolt upright in my coffin
eyeballs hanging out
celebrating my release
the audience tightened the noose
a large buzzsaw severed me in two pieces
just an illusion
my body jerks out of the coffin like a jack in the box
boing
the head hanging from a spring
long as the organs creepy
making the head bang against the wood
long ago
sometimes you see couples who conflict all the time
if anything it adds to their fun conflict is not always a fight
I remember going to Amsterdam with this other guy
we stayed on a barge while we studied dutch design for a project
and bickered over it the whole time
and bickered over it the whole time
I've been to quite a few interactive workshops
and learned things like ' owning our own feelings '
' responding rather than reacting '
sheep dog wild chase the pandemic is a right wing coup
of ' shoulds '
but the organism worked itself out over the night !
like the smiler ride at Alton Towers
n everybody go oooh oooooh
n everybody go ahhhh ahhhh ahhhh
after work monkey session
an underground lake opened up
where magical energy is hidden , ahem,
n chuckys spams had cancelled each other out
he sent some rough guys to harrass me in town
i wonder what the future holds for us
with so much uncertainty
n so much stigma
n i dont really trust anyone
the neighbours could hear me
n children running about
so a difficult time for it and more to come
disorientated , stupefied
a space ship of white light
a scream that rang like chimes of shattered alien glass bells
sexual empaths
its this empathy thing
like as if my soul takes a photo
of the other persons soul
and I can read, that she had a bad childhood
she's been made to shut up , to get on with her work goals
has chronic insomnia acute anxiety and mental exhaustion
I wrote all that down and felt better for it
rather than my carrying it around all day
well sod it I'm giving some honest feedback in the written work
sheep dog wild chase the pandemic is a right wing coup
of ' shoulds '
but the organism worked itself out over the night !
like the smiler ride at Alton Towers
n everybody go oooh oooooh
n everybody go ahhhh ahhhh ahhhh
after work monkey session
an underground lake opened up
where magical energy is hidden , ahem,
n chuckys spams had cancelled each other out
he sent some rough guys to harrass me in town
i wonder what the future holds for us
with so much uncertainty
n so much stigma
n i dont really trust anyone
the neighbours could hear me
n children running about
so a difficult time for it and more to come
disorientated , stupefied
a space ship of white light
a scream that rang like chimes of shattered alien glass bells
sexual empaths
its this empathy thing
like as if my soul takes a photo
of the other persons soul
and I can read, that she had a bad childhood
she's been made to shut up , to get on with her work goals
has chronic insomnia acute anxiety and mental exhaustion
I wrote all that down and felt better for it
rather than my carrying it around all day
well sod it I'm giving some honest feedback in the written work
person who wrote this course doesn't understand how ill some people are
and I'm not sure you could get much iller than I was
i think ' you will own nothing ' is the right wing taking the mick out of the left
i think ' you will own nothing ' is the right wing taking the mick out of the left
now i today have been collecting some more music tracks
that sound like love,
like for instance Jimi Hendrix
its the melting sound of guitar
sounds
like somoenes heart and soul melting into the music
Riders on the Storm is like to me it shows you through your depression
to the love on the other side of it
rather than running away from the depression
Riders on the Storm is like to me it shows you through your depression
to the love on the other side of it
rather than running away from the depression
and women get performance anxiety too
forgetting that its all a form of communication at its best ...
I remember groups of us as teenagers
would sometimes get hold of a magazine or a video tape for a dare
and because it was funny and entertaining
and crack ourselves up laughing
in some ways it has been educational
in my life and entertaining the old school of porn
where you would go into an adult shop
what I mean is in recent years there is something more sinister
with instant web cam services , revenge porn etc
sure the new order
can accommodate some tax hikes babyholics
what can i put in a forbidden fruit pie ?
spanish oranges brie grapes
yoghurt , chocolate ,
raspberries strawberries redcurrents
I remember groups of us as teenagers
would sometimes get hold of a magazine or a video tape for a dare
and because it was funny and entertaining
and crack ourselves up laughing
in some ways it has been educational
in my life and entertaining the old school of porn
where you would go into an adult shop
what I mean is in recent years there is something more sinister
with instant web cam services , revenge porn etc
sure the new order
can accommodate some tax hikes babyholics
what can i put in a forbidden fruit pie ?
spanish oranges brie grapes
yoghurt , chocolate ,
raspberries strawberries redcurrents
Friday, 5 February 2021
from archives
060221
the earth stopped running under my bare feet
hypnotised in a rigid trance
i was locked inside a transparent coffin
eyes scrunched up tight
dizzy like my head will burst any minute
concentrating intensely
leaking paranormal energy
20s Vaudeville fringe theatre
suddenly i was bolt upright in my coffin
eyeballs hanging out
celebrating my release
the audience tightened the noose
a large buzzsaw severed me in two pieces
just an illusion
my body jerks out of the coffin like a jack in the box
boing
the head hanging from a spring
long as the organs creepy
making the head bang against the wood
050221
conflict is not always a negative thing , depending on how you see it
its not always a fight
like when I was at college we had to do sometimes a project in pairs
and the two of us would conflict hugely about the design
and it was all part of a creative process
I remember going to Amsterdam with this other guy
we stayed on a barge while we studied dutch design for a project
and some would argue that if you're not conflicting at all
then you're not being honest
050221
I've been to quite a few interactive workshops over the years
some of the conflict management, assertive techniques
and some of them in the mental health services too
and learned things like ' owning our own feelings '
' responding rather than reacting '
' voicing our feelings regardless of the reaction of the other person '
( which you can't possibly predict )
and learning when some thing is not your issue but the other persons
so we are really each in our own process with this
and attempts to interfere with another persons process
usually tend to backfire
020221
n everybody go oooh oooooh
n everybody go ahhhh ahhhh ahhhh
after work monkey session
an underground lake opened up
where magical energy is hidden , ahem,
n chuckys spams had cancelled each other out
he sent some rough guys to harrass me in town
i wonder what the future holds for us
with so much uncertainty
n so much stigma
n i dont really trust anyone
the neighbours could hear me
n children running about
so a difficult time for it and more to come
disorientated , stupefied
a space ship of white light
Monday, 1 February 2021
010221
well that was weird
because usually I'm quite good with technology
but this morning I had a three hour class
taught by someone with really difficult technology issues
and I caught it ! so my new smart phone arrives
and I can't work out what to do with it
its this empathy thing
like as if my soul takes a photo
of the other persons soul
and I can read, that she had a bad childhood
she's been made to shut up , to get on with her work goals
has chronic insomnia acute anxiety and mental exhaustion
I wrote all that down and felt better for it
rather than my carrying it around all day