18.46

Im with Davision thanks 

I do not consent for Lager to use my material 

to force him back to her 

thankyou ... 

140915 noon 


shake the brainbox one more time 

see what falls out ... Sheldon Cooper 


***************

its difficult to get back to myself 

after seeing my relatives ... 



***************


doing the drug policy like they have in Holland ... 

where addicts are allowed to inject in a safe place ... 

I would probably vote for that ... 

so does it then follow 

that i should help my addict financially ... 




*******************

mental health is like the migrant crisis ... 



***************************

you look around the room 

their faces smugly complacent 

blissfully unaware ... 

**********************

a huge matriarch, 

light as a feather ... 

I love my brother too much 

with my nephews there is a degree of detachment 

which makes my relationship with them work much better ... 


**********

pm





I was saying about my day out with Sunny and Max ...

when i left Max didn't seem to want a hug

so i said bye and left them

and he ran after me for a hug , it was really touching.

Earlier that afternoon he told me that his aunty Louise is happily married ...

the expression on his face at these times

spoke to me of that feeling from childhood ...

'why aren't we all one big happy family ... '

Sunny and I both had these feelings very strongly as children

and used to cry painfully when people had to leave

either because i had to leave, or my dad had to leave

after going on holiday with him ...



Im feeling a sense of gratitude this evening

i have had counselling today , which was hard won

after years of campaigning for more support

this is going well i think

we got to some core issues ...



and I've also remembered 

how my family came through for me when i was unwell ...

not just Dad ... Dad, Ben and my stepmother Joyce

they all cried on the phone for me

and Sunny made an impassioned speech 

about what i was doing to people that love me ...

i feel overwhelmed by how extraordinary this was

i just felt completely worthless at the time and wanted to end it all.



Im not sure if I'm feeling excited or manic

i remember you saying that Americans and Australians

are more expressive of their excitement ...

they jump up and down a whoot in a way that we are too reserved for ...

and i fear being positive and excited

because i feel it will lead to punishment etc etc.



but i do feel gratitude ...

Sunny and I have exchanged some compliments on email since Saturday

he said that he and Max are lucky to have such a caring auntie ...

me ... a caring auntie !!!

I've really come a long way for someone to say that about me ...


its a stormy night here in Lewes

hopefully with serenity ...

14.41

the fib have yesterday targeted me with a coughing virus

i am couging 

and so are all my neighbours ... 

12.30pm

escape to the day centre ... 

19.44

Im with Davision thanks ... 

i do not consent for my material 

to be used in torturing him 

or forcing him to his ex partner 

thankyou ... 

230715 

I saw all at once all the things i have done to my father -

blaming him for my mothers suicide

breaking off contact with him for 3 years

withholding love

blaming him for my being forcibly medicated

accusing him of snobbery 

because he didn't like my then violent boyfriend in my twenties

one time i posted his Christmas present back to him ... 

a lovely jumper he had picked for me

and last year he had shingles and i shouted at him and put the phone down

because i thought he was colluding with the psychiatrist

*************************

and in spite of all that he talks like he is devoted to me

he tells me he loves me and sometimes cries on the phone

and was so delighted last autumn 

when i made the journey to London to see him

and to play music together

its only now i am 51 i can really appreciate what family means

and what an extraordinary love that could survive all that !