brother was in a very volatile state today .
stepmother and i waited for him for about 1/2 hour before he turned up
at the cafe.
We had already had lunch by the time he arrived.

He chatted for a while
and then exploded with rage
because he and stepmother had difficulty hearing each other.
he said he has damaged his ear by having headphones on too loud.
And he accused us of not listening and asking too many questions.
He threw the pictures we had taken him on the ground
and walked out of the cafe.

then he came back and apologised
and started shouting again
so we thought we had better leave
and walked down towards the sea.
and then to a park .

by that time i had lost the ability to concentrate
and felt as if i were 'concussed'
i was also frightened he was going to hit me
and he had started to remind me of my ex boyfriend .

stepmother was very good with him
and i felt she was able to use her talent as a social worker
to get through to him a bit
and without retaliating or losing it
which was inspiring to watch.

Im glad we saw him though
as i don't think i could go through with that again in the near future.
And stepmother said she's not sure i should go on my own anyway .
I certainly feel very affected afterwards.
I came home and walked clumsily through the garden
and scratched my ankle on the brambles.
i hope that doesnt lead to complications ...

it will take me at least 3 days to recover psychologically
and probably he will phone me quite a few times
which he tends to do after i had contact with him.

Probably there is more detail to come
which i can't remember right now.
it was great to see stepmother as well
who is looking incredibly well and youthful !
and to have the car journeys with her gave us some time together.

i hope you enjoy babysitting tonight,
Love  X XX

050916 11.30 pm 

she knew her family would kill her 
if she refused him

so she waited until she reached the altar
before announcing her decision ... 



060916  20.30 pm 

she wanted her execution 
to be as public as possible ... 

1 am 

she's like a little leech ... 

23.35

I'm being stalked by a celebrity ... 

no not that one ! 

030916    4pm

when i fall in love
loyalty to family and friends goes out the window 

a painting is more ambiguous

and open to interpretation 

whereas writing is the most dangerous art form
which give such literal access to your soul ...

23.00

i experience how meditation and relaxation
can lead to feelings of pure love
and how then you can meditate on that love and allow it to grow ! 

4pm

the sexual landscape