23.30
Im sorry author
we are not going to force Liz to be friends with you ...
the harpie Nic and cloud clockwork and bisto are not welcome to read my blog or use me in any way , there are thoughts in your own head huns
Sunday, 29 March 2015
Ben
290315 11.55
sorry ... instead of admitting that i would have liked to chat with you
i snapped and asked you why you had called ...
I also wanted to make the shift
from being there for Ben ...
to being there for myself ...
to relax and be myself
instead of putting on this false serenity ...
sorry ... instead of admitting that i would have liked to chat with you
i snapped and asked you why you had called ...
I also wanted to make the shift
from being there for Ben ...
to being there for myself ...
to relax and be myself
instead of putting on this false serenity ...
Ben
22.07
I suppose also having met your son and grand son
you seem more dispensable,
as if its easier to let you go ...
to let go of you , knowing that you will probably kill yourself ...
at least you have passed on your genes
into this world ...
sorry ...
I suppose also having met your son and grand son
you seem more dispensable,
as if its easier to let you go ...
to let go of you , knowing that you will probably kill yourself ...
at least you have passed on your genes
into this world ...
sorry ...
Ben
8.20pm
i thought id be more real with you
instead of humming and ha - ing
in a passive sort of way ...
and was disappointed that you did not have time to stop and talk ...
I miss having you in my life ...
i thought id be more real with you
instead of humming and ha - ing
in a passive sort of way ...
and was disappointed that you did not have time to stop and talk ...
I miss having you in my life ...
Saturday, 28 March 2015
Ben
9.35pm
you're an embarrassment
you know that
and use it to terrorise me ...
you are my disease ...
you're an embarrassment
you know that
and use it to terrorise me ...
you are my disease ...
Ben
21.25
your addiction makes me look bad
people expect me to be able to sort it out
don't you care about that ?
this is all I've got ...
i am not able to work
and now you wont even let me help you into rehab ...
your addiction makes me look bad
people expect me to be able to sort it out
don't you care about that ?
this is all I've got ...
i am not able to work
and now you wont even let me help you into rehab ...
Ben
19.34
you expect us to watch
while you slowly kill yourself
filled with bitterness and revenge ...
you expect us to watch
while you slowly kill yourself
filled with bitterness and revenge ...
12.03pm
dear Ben
Im in alot of pain after being shouted at by yourself
and for that I forgive you ...
I forgive that you wont go to the recovery meetings
that are all around you
that you wont do it for me and for your children ...
that you are killing yourself
that you don't care how we feel about it
or what will happen to us without you being in our lives
that drugs mean more to you than we do ...
that you manipulate us for money
to feed your habit,
you try to put spokes between us to gain control
destroying everything in your wake
because of your belief in drugs
and you don't care how we will feel if you die
that you believe it is all other peoples fault
dads fault, my fault, your ex partners fault ,
you even put spokes between me and our aunt
and for all this i forgive you ...
love Sis
dear Ben
Im in alot of pain after being shouted at by yourself
and for that I forgive you ...
I forgive that you wont go to the recovery meetings
that are all around you
that you wont do it for me and for your children ...
that you are killing yourself
that you don't care how we feel about it
or what will happen to us without you being in our lives
that drugs mean more to you than we do ...
that you manipulate us for money
to feed your habit,
you try to put spokes between us to gain control
destroying everything in your wake
because of your belief in drugs
and you don't care how we will feel if you die
that you believe it is all other peoples fault
dads fault, my fault, your ex partners fault ,
you even put spokes between me and our aunt
and for all this i forgive you ...
love Sis
Friday, 27 March 2015
Thursday, 26 March 2015
Tuesday, 24 March 2015
Sunday, 22 March 2015
Saturday, 21 March 2015
00.31
talk to the addict about what ?
ok so you're not asking me to contact him
so i can do so when i feel up to not at my own discretion ...
im glad we cleared that up
you see whats happening here
we are worried about history repeating itself ...
my aunt holds a deeply cherished belief
that i could cure the addict my talking to him
talk to the addict about what ?
ok so you're not asking me to contact him
so i can do so when i feel up to not at my own discretion ...
im glad we cleared that up
you see whats happening here
we are worried about history repeating itself ...
my aunt holds a deeply cherished belief
that i could cure the addict my talking to him
im glad we cleared that up
otherwise i would have an imaginary obligation ...
I don't feel i have much to offer the addict at the moment
he is refusing treatment
and i don't feel recently that he was really interested in enjoying my company
but rather that he was taking a stand for his belief in drugs.
Of course i would love to see more of him if he would seek help ...
its a shame he doesnt get NA ...
you don't have to do anything or even commit yourself to the programme
just sit there and be open to letting things happen.
Those 12 step meetings work for millions of addicts and people with other problems like my own
it just doesnt seem possible to get this across to him
he just feels he is being given unwanted advice.
Of course in Holland, they take a different approach
allowing addicts a safe space where to practice their addiction under supervision
and that is what he really wants.
It looks like he is prepared to die for his beliefs
and that nobody can get through to him, least of all myself ...
so I don't really see what we would talk about ...
otherwise i would have an imaginary obligation ...
I don't feel i have much to offer the addict at the moment
he is refusing treatment
and i don't feel recently that he was really interested in enjoying my company
but rather that he was taking a stand for his belief in drugs.
Of course i would love to see more of him if he would seek help ...
its a shame he doesnt get NA ...
you don't have to do anything or even commit yourself to the programme
just sit there and be open to letting things happen.
Those 12 step meetings work for millions of addicts and people with other problems like my own
it just doesnt seem possible to get this across to him
he just feels he is being given unwanted advice.
Of course in Holland, they take a different approach
allowing addicts a safe space where to practice their addiction under supervision
and that is what he really wants.
It looks like he is prepared to die for his beliefs
and that nobody can get through to him, least of all myself ...
so I don't really see what we would talk about ...
220315 00.18
my aunt is going to respond with
no you raised the subject
i was merely responding with my opinion. ...
perhaps she thinks because i am 'not working'
that i get a grant to be a stay at home mum for the whole family .. .
and actually i don't feel i have alot to offer my brother at the moment
he is refusing treatment
and just wants to play addict games with me ...
this does not mean i don't care
or that i wouldn't love to see more of him were he to get some help ...
why can't he sit in on NA meetings
you don't have to do anything, just be receptive to the energy there
give it a chance
for me, and my nephews ...
my aunt is going to respond with
no you raised the subject
i was merely responding with my opinion. ...
perhaps she thinks because i am 'not working'
that i get a grant to be a stay at home mum for the whole family .. .
and actually i don't feel i have alot to offer my brother at the moment
he is refusing treatment
and just wants to play addict games with me ...
this does not mean i don't care
or that i wouldn't love to see more of him were he to get some help ...
why can't he sit in on NA meetings
you don't have to do anything, just be receptive to the energy there
give it a chance
for me, and my nephews ...
do you think i ought to contact my addict brother
and would that be good for me ?
furthermore ,
he is not interested in having a friendly phone call.
He wants to meet me and to put pressure on me for money ...
210315 23.57
nobody else seems to be able
to have a relationship with both my nephews
and their addict father ...
and would that be good for me ?
furthermore ,
he is not interested in having a friendly phone call.
He wants to meet me and to put pressure on me for money ...
210315 23.57
nobody else seems to be able
to have a relationship with both my nephews
and their addict father ...
Friday, 20 March 2015
Tuesday, 17 March 2015
The Gates
a delightful little boy
and i was so lucky and privileged to have him round
and hope we can do other things together when the opportunity arises
he has a brilliant father
child pushing the boundaries
father asking is he too soft with child ?
does he want feedback ?
a line of communication
and i was so lucky and privileged to have him round
and hope we can do other things together when the opportunity arises
he has a brilliant father
father asking is he too soft with child ?
does he want feedback ?
a line of communication
19.53
Enders had me harassed outside
with spam actresses.
She has hacked into my private email
and read an inventory i shared with my sponsor
then got her trashy actresses to regurgitate it in the street .
For 2 reasons
a) she is not getting what she wants out of Trix
and thinks i can fix everything in her life
and b ) I'm with Davision and she finds that threatening on racial grounds ...
Enders had me harassed outside
with spam actresses.
She has hacked into my private email
and read an inventory i shared with my sponsor
then got her trashy actresses to regurgitate it in the street .
For 2 reasons
a) she is not getting what she wants out of Trix
and thinks i can fix everything in her life
and b ) I'm with Davision and she finds that threatening on racial grounds ...
Saturday, 14 March 2015
the committee
9.30pm
Mrs Baskerville
always thumps something when i start masturbating
she receives this information
via satellite communications ...
Mrs Baskerville
always thumps something when i start masturbating
she receives this information
via satellite communications ...
Friday, 13 March 2015
sex n the stix
I suppose what puzzles me
is whether my mistakes were 'meant to be'
they were educational processes put there by HP
or did it come from the ego
trying to control things and make a silk purse out of a sows ear ? x
is whether my mistakes were 'meant to be'
they were educational processes put there by HP
or did it come from the ego
trying to control things and make a silk purse out of a sows ear ? x
sex n the stix
are you not ? ! not sure i have seen a better one ...
at least you know what is not ok ...
i find its usually refreshing to throw my emotions your way
and have them blown about in the winds of the Higher Power
otherwise i would probably be still seeing that guy from last year ...
in retrospect a very cynical kind of love
a love of convenience , of just settling for someone
just for the sake of it
and not enough going on emotionally
i was just desperately lonely and unwell
and its good i was able to leave it behind x
at least you know what is not ok ...
i find its usually refreshing to throw my emotions your way
and have them blown about in the winds of the Higher Power
otherwise i would probably be still seeing that guy from last year ...
in retrospect a very cynical kind of love
a love of convenience , of just settling for someone
just for the sake of it
and not enough going on emotionally
i was just desperately lonely and unwell
and its good i was able to leave it behind x
sex n the stix
I think i also need to be open to moving on to new friendships ...
i don't really know what a good friendship or relationship is supposed to look like
and so often things are not what they appeared to be when they started out ...
like the guy i got involved with last year ...
he visited me in hospital , you know, he was a big help to me
and then when i had a physical relationship with him
he got out that amyl nitrate stuff
and i never would have guessed ...
i wasnt really in love with him either was another problem with it
but i thought he seemed really nice, even maybe a bit boringly so
life seems to be a mire of illusions at times
i don't really know what a good friendship or relationship is supposed to look like
and so often things are not what they appeared to be when they started out ...
like the guy i got involved with last year ...
he visited me in hospital , you know, he was a big help to me
and then when i had a physical relationship with him
he got out that amyl nitrate stuff
and i never would have guessed ...
i wasnt really in love with him either was another problem with it
but i thought he seemed really nice, even maybe a bit boringly so
life seems to be a mire of illusions at times
Thursday, 12 March 2015
Wednesday, 11 March 2015
Monday, 9 March 2015
i keep bumping into that girl who was sitting with the rook
you know the one, the rook sat under her umbrella for 5 hour
and i dent have the camera.
and then giving her a couple of quid when i have seen her
although white she looks very 'spiritual'
with long dirty fingernails and two coats on
huddled over a book
I think it was Richard Dawkins she was reading
although id dint write it down
and now feel i need to go and ask her what she was reading
and give her some more money
Im also aware that i am a vulnerable person
and that the friendship could be dangerous,
she might be on drugs
and i could end up giving out information about myself
which i then regret.
One of her alcoholic friends was in the day centre recently
and i could end up with alot of Ben- like characters in my life
at a time when i am feeling quite vulnerable in my recovery
having made a fresh start out of hospital
with a blank slate almost
and yet i am drawn to this girl .. quite young, in her twenties i think,
and keep; needing to ask her questions
about the bird, who she has seen more than once,
her books and what else i don't know ...
you know the one, the rook sat under her umbrella for 5 hour
and i dent have the camera.
and then giving her a couple of quid when i have seen her
although white she looks very 'spiritual'
with long dirty fingernails and two coats on
huddled over a book
I think it was Richard Dawkins she was reading
although id dint write it down
and now feel i need to go and ask her what she was reading
and give her some more money
Im also aware that i am a vulnerable person
and that the friendship could be dangerous,
she might be on drugs
and i could end up giving out information about myself
which i then regret.
One of her alcoholic friends was in the day centre recently
and i could end up with alot of Ben- like characters in my life
at a time when i am feeling quite vulnerable in my recovery
having made a fresh start out of hospital
with a blank slate almost
and yet i am drawn to this girl .. quite young, in her twenties i think,
and keep; needing to ask her questions
about the bird, who she has seen more than once,
her books and what else i don't know ...
Sunday, 8 March 2015
Saturday, 7 March 2015
I think maybe I flirt alot
i find it difficult not to if that seems to be in the air ...
although i am not masturbating so much .
emotionally i am very honest and thorough,
financially not so much ...
with disability they tend to take all your money off you
if you make an improvement
so you can't always tell them about it ...
sexuallly i don't know if i would count as an honest person ...
its not always appropriate to be honest about your sexual feelings ...
4pm
have you ever done any acting?
you have such an expressive face
oh he sees it too ...
like he's in some kind of a gambling film
a lovely personality
very thoughtful , sensitive and kind ...
are you sure moving abroad isn't a geographical ?
i used to be always on the run from myself ....
i find it difficult not to if that seems to be in the air ...
although i am not masturbating so much .
emotionally i am very honest and thorough,
financially not so much ...
with disability they tend to take all your money off you
if you make an improvement
so you can't always tell them about it ...
sexuallly i don't know if i would count as an honest person ...
its not always appropriate to be honest about your sexual feelings ...
4pm
have you ever done any acting?
you have such an expressive face
oh he sees it too ...
like he's in some kind of a gambling film
a lovely personality
very thoughtful , sensitive and kind ...
are you sure moving abroad isn't a geographical ?
i used to be always on the run from myself ....
Thursday, 5 March 2015
drama group 2pm
i wish i had done more drama in my youth ...
then i wouldn't have got into such dramatic situations
to come out of myself
it was exciting the implication of the course
coming out of your thinking
and be more in touch with your body
and to find a voice
and be a unique person
trying to find out who you are
dodging the gender stereotypes ...
in fact this afternoon i was Prince Charming
and Neil was the princess ...
then i wouldn't have got into such dramatic situations
to come out of myself
it was exciting the implication of the course
coming out of your thinking
and be more in touch with your body
and to find a voice
and be a unique person
trying to find out who you are
dodging the gender stereotypes ...
in fact this afternoon i was Prince Charming
and Neil was the princess ...
