23.30

Im sorry author 

we are not going to force Liz to be friends with you ... 

Ben

290315 11.55

sorry ... instead of admitting that i would have liked to chat with you 

i snapped and asked you why you had called ... 


I also wanted to make the shift 

from being there for Ben ... 

to being there for myself ... 

to relax and be myself 

instead of putting on this false serenity ... 

290315 5pm

some of the patients 

know alot about people ...

and about recovery ... 

having spent decades in therapy and rehab ... 

Ben

22.07

I suppose also having met your son and grand son 

you seem more dispensable, 

as if its easier to let you go ... 

to let go of you , knowing that you will probably kill yourself ... 

at least you have passed on your genes 

into this world ... 


sorry ... 

Ben

8.20pm

i thought id be more real with you 

instead of humming and ha - ing

in a passive sort of way ... 

and was disappointed that you did not have time to stop and talk ... 

I miss having you in my life ... 

5pm

right today, left tomorrow ...   

280315 4pm

actually 

it really hurts when someone does that ... 

at the same time i feel it was really important

that she was allowed to refuse a hug  ... 

I suppose i will have to live my life like a monk ... 

280315 4pm

having fantasies ... 

about people i know 

or sometimes famous people 

seems quite normal to me 

Ben

9.35pm

you're an embarrassment 

you know that

and use it to terrorise me ... 


you are my disease ... 

Ben

21.25

your addiction makes me look bad 

people expect me to be able to sort it out 

don't you care about that ? 

this is all I've got ... 

i am not able to work 

and now you wont even let me help you into rehab ... 

Enders and the Fib 

harrassed me today outdoors 

with spam actors and spies ... 

Ben

19.34

you expect us to watch 

while you slowly kill yourself 

filled with bitterness and revenge ... 

12.03pm

dear Ben 

Im in alot of pain after being shouted at by yourself 

and for that I forgive you ... 

I forgive that you wont go to the recovery meetings 

that are all around you 

that you wont do it for me and for your children ... 

that you are killing yourself 

that you don't care how we feel about it 

or what will happen to us without you being in our lives 

that drugs mean more to you than we do ... 

that you manipulate us for money 

to feed your habit, 

you try to put spokes between us to gain control 

destroying everything in your wake 

because of your belief in drugs 

and you don't care how we will feel if you die 

that you believe it is all other peoples fault 

dads fault, my fault, your ex partners fault , 

you even put spokes between me and our aunt 

and for all this i forgive you ... 

love Sis 

00.52, 

my sister in law 

has teamed up with my addict brother 

for the purpose of breaking up my relationship with my nephews ... 

17.28

apparently my sister in law 

is trying to put spokes into my relationship with my nephews 

out of pure spite 

and revenge for what she suffered as a new mother 

25 years ago ... 

Russell Brand is contributing to evolution

its not just him, people are starting to expect 

a different attitude at work at least 

although it hasn't filtered through to the political level yet 

some people are not prepared to work in a cut-throat environment ... 


2pm 

lunchtime 

they've dug up Richard III before ... 

keep digging the poor guy up 

and it wont be the last time ... ! 

17.57

thanx ... x 

these were removed by the fib

in particular Enders .. . 

whether the artists/artists families were involved i don't know ... 

one things for sure ... some of these people 

are involved in watching intimate footage of my life ... 


and let me just point out ... Enders is not welcome to 'just eat it' ... 

21.21

Marvin Gayes family 

are not welcome to use my material ... 

they are not Marvin Gaye ... 

20.46

its Sunday and its secret court time ... 

they are planning to torture Davision ... 

I do not give permission for my material to be used in the process ... 

11.40am 

Dad said that seeing his son would cause him to 'keel over' 

but its OK for me to keel over ... 

because I'm already keeled ... 

and hence no chance of my recovering from my own problems ... 


Since i went into hospital 

the addict seems to have lost respect for me ... 

Enders did this ...

http://yourlisten.com/katyia.seven/150322002-cover

00.31

talk to the addict about what ? 

ok so you're not asking me to contact him

so i can do so when i feel up to not at my own discretion ... 

im glad we cleared that up 


you see whats happening here 

we are worried about history repeating itself ... 


my aunt holds a deeply cherished belief 

that i could cure the addict my talking to him

im glad we cleared that up

otherwise i would have an imaginary obligation ...

I don't feel i have much to offer the addict at the moment

he is refusing treatment

and i don't feel recently that he was really interested in enjoying my company

but rather that he was taking a stand for his belief in drugs.



Of course i would love to see more of him if he would seek help ...

its a shame he doesnt get NA ...

you don't have to do anything or even commit yourself to the programme

just sit there and be open to letting things happen.

Those 12 step meetings work for millions of addicts and people with other problems like my own

it just doesnt seem possible to get this across to him

he just feels he is being given unwanted advice.



Of course in Holland, they take a different approach

allowing addicts a safe space where to practice their addiction under supervision

and that is what he really wants.

It looks like he is prepared to die for his beliefs

and that nobody can get through to him, least of all myself ...



so I don't really see what we would talk about ...

220315 00.24

and what is going on here I'm not sure ... 

why does she want me to contact the addict ? 

does she really think i can cure him? 

or is it to do with her other agenda of controlling my love life ? 

220315  00.18

my aunt is going to respond with 

no you raised the subject

i was merely responding with my opinion. ... 


perhaps she thinks because i am 'not working' 

that i get a grant to be a stay at home mum for the whole family .. . 


and actually i don't feel i have alot to offer my brother at the moment 

he is refusing treatment 

and just wants to play addict games with me ... 

this does not mean i don't care 

or that i wouldn't love to see more of him were he to get some help ...  


why can't he sit in on NA meetings 

you don't have to do anything, just be receptive to the energy there 

give it a chance 

for me, and my nephews ... 

do you think i ought to contact my addict brother 

and would that be good for me ?

furthermore , 

he is not interested in having a friendly phone call. 

He wants to meet me and to put pressure on me for money ... 



210315 23.57

nobody else seems to be able 

to have a relationship with both my nephews 

and their addict father ... 

00.24

what runs in the family

different types of drug treatment 

setting an example 

undercurrent 

17.32

feelings tell me alot more than my head ... 

11.53am

Marvin Gayes family are being a bit mean aren't they ? 

I thought we were supposed to "let young people enjoy themselves" ... 


like hey you got £7 million outta it ... 

now leave it alone ... 

today i was harassed outside 

with spam actors ... 

' the crazy monkey is not my sister ' 

the committee allowed this to happen ... 

00.24

Dev is one of the most beautiful ladies in the country ... 

The Gates

a delightful little boy

and i was so lucky and privileged to have him round

and hope we can do other things together when the opportunity arises

he has a brilliant father

child pushing the boundaries

father asking is he too soft with child ?

does he want feedback ?

a line of communication 

19.53

Enders had me harassed outside 

with spam actresses. 

She has hacked into my private email 

and read an inventory i shared with my sponsor 

then got her trashy actresses to regurgitate it in the street . 

For 2 reasons 

a) she is not getting what she wants out of Trix 

and thinks i can fix everything in her life 

and b ) I'm with Davision and she finds that threatening on racial grounds ...

13.10

sorry Dev ... x 



13.43

actually you've had enough love ... 

the committee

9.30pm

Mrs Baskerville 

always thumps something when i start masturbating 

she receives this information 

via satellite communications ... 

18.01

thanks ... x 

10.56am

the baskervilles 

are making very loud scraping noises on my wall 

and banging things 

they know that i have guests coming at lunchtime 

from inside information provided via satellite, text etc. ... 

electro swing

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5nD-8euqNN4

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tcgetEJQZ3g

sex n the stix

I suppose what puzzles me

is whether my mistakes were 'meant to be'

they were educational processes put there by HP

or did it come from the ego

trying to control things and make a silk purse out of a sows ear ? x

sex n the stix

are you not ? ! not sure i have seen a better one ...

at least you know what is not ok ...

i find its usually refreshing to throw my emotions your way

and have them blown about in the winds of the Higher Power

otherwise i would probably be still seeing that guy from last year ...

in retrospect a very cynical kind of love

a love of convenience , of just settling for someone

just for the sake of it

and not enough going on emotionally

i was just desperately lonely and unwell

and its good i was able to leave it behind x

sex n the stix

I think i also need to be open to moving on to new friendships ...

i don't really know what a good friendship or relationship is supposed to look like

and so often things are not what they appeared to be when they started out ...

like the guy i got involved with last year ...

he visited me in hospital , you know, he was a big help to me

and then when i had a physical relationship with him

he got out that amyl nitrate stuff

and i never would have guessed ...

i wasnt really in love with him either was another problem with it

but i thought he seemed really nice, even maybe a bit boringly so

life seems to be a mire of illusions at times

22.32

there is a plan to deport Davision 

on Saturday when my nephews are visiting ... 

22.10

if you stop me seeing my nephews ... 

then i may as well go back to college ... 

there is a plan to deport him at Easter

to stop us communicating 

21.25

that was just a dream ... 

Im with Davision ... 

11.32

I dreamed that i had a new boyfriend 

who was stocky 

with balding hair 

he was carrying me about on his shoulder 

i was also in love with more than one person ... 

16.52

maybe its best if i look out for charity boxes outside 

as i can't tell which online charities are genuine 

16.47

i keep bumping into that girl who was sitting with the rook

you know the one, the rook sat under her umbrella for 5 hour

and i dent have the camera.

and then giving her a couple of quid when i have seen her

although white she looks very 'spiritual'

with long dirty fingernails and two coats on

huddled over a book

I think it was Richard Dawkins she was reading

although id dint write it down

and now feel i need to go and ask her what she was reading

and give her some more money

Im also aware that i am a vulnerable person

and that the friendship could be dangerous,

she might be on drugs

and i could end up giving out information about myself

which i then regret.



One of her alcoholic friends was in the day centre recently

and i could end up with alot of Ben- like characters in my life

at a time when i am feeling quite vulnerable in my recovery

having made a fresh start out of hospital

with a blank slate almost

and yet i am drawn to this girl .. quite young, in her twenties i think,

and keep; needing to ask her questions

about the bird, who she has seen more than once,

her books and what else i don't know ...

9.30am

thanks ... 

5pm

its not that i can pull out the guilt like a weed 

its more about accepting it

being aware and working around it ... 

I think you're really good looking 

i was just flirting with you 

i wasnt thinking of acting on it 


4pm

i feel really creative after having sex 

like I'm in a trance 

and yeah it does take up alot of time 

where you are not really very focused ... 

I think maybe I flirt alot 

i find it difficult not to if that seems to be in the air ... 

although i am not masturbating so much . 

emotionally i am very honest and thorough, 

financially not so much ... 

with disability they tend to take all your money off you 

if you make an improvement 

so you can't always tell them about it ... 

sexuallly i don't know if i would count as an honest person ... 

its not always appropriate to be honest about your sexual feelings ... 


4pm 

have you ever done any acting? 

you have such an expressive face 

oh he sees it too ... 

like he's in some kind of a gambling film

a lovely personality 

very thoughtful , sensitive and kind ... 

are you sure moving abroad isn't a geographical ? 

i used to be always on the run from myself .... 

21.00

springshine 

drama group 2pm

i wish i had done more drama in my youth ... 

then i wouldn't have got into such dramatic situations 

to come out of myself 

it was exciting the implication of the course 

coming out of your thinking 

and be more in touch with your body 

and to find a voice 

and be a unique person

trying to find out who you are 

dodging the gender stereotypes ... 

in fact this afternoon i was Prince Charming 

and Neil was the princess ... 

18.58

TRANSFERRING FILES TO G DRIVE, THANKS ... 

POSSLYB FOR ABOUT 15 MINS 

19.29

made 26gb thanks 

4pm

what do you call that kind of groove/riff ... ?

a griff ? 

nb Enders has been hounding me outdoors 

with spam actresses ... 

4.30pm

Enders sent a child 

in the street , he said to his mother , don't speak to that one ... 

020315 Enders ... 

7.58am

did somebody target Eunice with a virus ? 

9am

my nephews mother 

spammed my YouTube account 

with an abusive comment

5pm 

the fib spammed my rehab meeting with the following : 

' the solution is for me to disappear

then the gentleness can come in with other people ... ' 

280215  4pm

sex for me 

is not only about doing sex 

is also do i feel like a sexual being , or an asexual one ... 

I can see there is a lovely person in there 

with heart and soul 

Im just enjoying your company 

i am not trying to get anything from you ... 



29th 11am master baker