010521

today I have sat with a feeling of failure

I cannot complete any more coursework
which means that I may not pass it

I think it will be the first time I have failed a course

im making progress with the feeling

broken

300421     9.06 pm

the words backwards game

and starting with the last letter of the last word

noitcelfer

next one starts with r

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

290421

miss you blue surprise 

 

 

 

 

290421

 

i had to end it with somebody else  

because it was too intense 

it was never going to happen 

any old fantasy will do at that point 

do you know what i mean ? 

anyway im single 

but it was all about you 

n Dev taught me a thing or two 

but hes gone now 

Dev n Scarey always in my heart 

a real head banger 

290421

the past is important 

and we need the space to heal from it 

 

 

 

280421

i thought Polanski was a child molester 

 

 

 

280421

 

difficult feeling to sit on  

ive tried to work but im flat on my back 

try not to react to it 

i have not mastered a feeling until i can sit with it 

total wipeout had me on my death bed 

sometimes i have a blackout 

n the moon shone bright clear as a bell 

 

but did react to it 

280421

i did one without the clitoris 

but then i wanted another one which didnt work out 

so there may be something else in there 

 

 

270421

biological fascism 

 

 

 

 

270421

i know the authors agenda for this morning 

but she has done a fine job 

for mental health rights 

 

 

 

 

270421 

plot thickens , plot unknown ! 

270421

Nic is a celebrated veteran

of the support forums 

baby mother is defending the country 

 

 

 

 

260421

not sure because sometimes in the scariest moments
you get a surge of adrenalin and a high

260421


I dont think people realise how important pleasuring yourself is

its a way to explore your feelings in private
without worrying how other people feel about it

its how people can stay single for a number of years
and stay out of a harmful relationship

you can explore your gender, your orientation and your sexual preferences
and nobody needs to know what you fantasied about !

all because of some silly Victorian taboo !

250421

the cam girl is a very talented poet 

 

 

 

 

250421

 

Dont Tell The Groom 

 

k so im in charge of the wedding 

and i want a magician to make us both disappear 

especially if the magician is one of my exes 

and youd both have ex partners at the wedding as far as possible 

and at the end of it its called off 

due to unresolved issues and postponed until a later date !  

 

because to make a relationship work 

you have to be constantly uncoupling 

250421

no it certainly isn't a joke
but when people start to feel better
they can enjoy themselves a bit in spite of their illness

240421

Chucky says he has set fire 

to a piece of paper on his desk 

baby mother says she will make an omelette 

using bits of footage from my bedroom 

 

 

 

 

240421

 

i suppose its inevitable 

that number 2 will defend the cam girl 

hes been shagging her for 14 years ! 

even if its cyber sex thats just the one person for 14 years

thats a pretty strong bond 

and i dont agree that we have to be partners 

for the sake of national security 

we can do that as friends 

 

 

 

240421

k never mind the mistakes
I'm sure that everyone makes them

you can heal and come to admire yourself





 

240421  00.40

author is peddling the idea 

that im one of her voices 

 

 

 

 

230421

whenever i give eclipse a hug

she always goes on to attack me 

as if she feels too familiar 

and apprently guy number 2 has left me 

well who says im with guy number 2  ! 

i dont think eclipse is very self aware 

230421

the cam girl wants a baby 

gosh nobody has ever done that before ! 

 

 

 

 

230421

the author has asked me to be away this morning 

so that her agenda can take centre stage 

 

oh ... new agenda for this morning ... 

kicking Zoe off the forum 

so that she can have ' space ' 

 

 

 

220421

seems more easy to believe in dark forces than light ones

I don't think all the dark forces are bad

 

220421

 

being in a couple 

is sooo last century 

and all that coupliness 

 

 

 

220421

author says she deserves to be my partner 

because she has suffered so much 

and would make a fantastic partner for me 

my own views on this being unimportant 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

220421

guy number 2 has been having cyber sex

with the cam girl for 14 years now 

and its like as if i can just waltz back in and put a stop to it 

i even get harrassed about it in the supermarket by actors 

representing this cause ! 

he needs help ... 

 

 

 

 

220421

slapped up and thoroughly concussed 

comatose 

 

 

 

220421

2.30 am 

the cam girl and the author 

are on the forum applying for footage of me in my bedroom 

apparently im a protein shake 

author doesnt care who gets hurt 

she just wants to get her hands in my pants 

 

 

 

210421

you will own nothing and you will be happy 

is something to do with crypto currency 

leading people to not own things 

 

 

 

 

200421

like a rock n roller coaster 

imploded like a demolition site 

 

 

 

 

210421

author says she approves the torture and rape of guy number 6 

 

 

 

 

210421

5 pm 

baby mother sent a spam actor 

to harrass me with conversation at the supermarket 

and to tell me that im big 

fat shaming other women 

helps baby mother to maintain 

her fag and booze fuelled starvation diet ! 

and i do not approve the torture and rape of number 6 ! 

 

 

 

 

210421

 

this morning the author 

has asked the cam girl to set the agenda 

the verdict being that i am guilty of harming the author 

in the cold war between myself and the author 

over whether i should befriend her 

 

using an analogy of course ... Derek Chauvin 

 

 

 

 

 

 

210421

directivity 

 

 

 

210421

eclipse is on the forum tonight / morning 

making sexually abusive comments about me 

 

 

 

 

200421

he would maybe apply what he does with his own voices 

i think he tries to reduce their importance for him 

but he has medication for that 

some people would say something like ' thankyou for sharing ' 

because the voice is something that wants to be heard 

. when you thank it for sharing you are saying 

that you hear they want to be heard 

but that you are a separate person with your own thoughts 

 

200421

 

fight or flight mode

living in the moment in a war zone  

spirit of the blitz , nothing left to lose , 

with people setting me up 

born free 

like being opened right up 

nothing left to hide 

escape from Alcatraz 

why ? 

this is all wrong for me 

the birds are starting up 

way before the dawn recently 

in their chilly beds 

 

theres like a drum skin in my body 

 

bit coin, can people be bought 

lock stock and barrel ? 

 

going forward we met with 

 

militant regiment 

 

dizzy sick and legless 

death by orgasm 

 

its about partner control 

and control in general 

its about causing a crisis 

so that you can be the hero of that crisis 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

190421

tonight they are planning on sending me to work ! 

perhaps its better if i fail my course then ...  

this mornings topic the dawn chorus will be discussing 

whether im lazy and could work instead 

the author devotes most of her time to this

and is hoping i will end up in my third hospital visit  

so that she can be the saviour of the day 

oh and guess what 

they are thinking of waterboarding number 6 !

190421

bullying is when someone has more power than you

and uses that against you 

 

 

 

 

 

190421

I remember self harming after reading a bitcoin article
now I try not to read these things

sometimes you can turn your thoughts away from it

 

190421

birdie shadow pie

 

 

190421

a man is outside shouting something about a court case 

' fucking old cunt ' 

its my neighbour who has separated from his partner 

and moved out 

 

 

 

190421

 

the author has succeeded 

in igniting a huge discussion on the forum 

as to whether i deserve to have my beneifts restored 

to their former level or increased 

the cam girl says im recieving ' special treatment ' 

 

 

 

 

190421

thats great Ineedhelp !

I didn't know cbt could be successful in this way
maybe your therapist is trained in other types of therapy as well
like mine is both a psychologist and a counsellor

I've just tackled a trauma on my own
using a video from the commune

I could not do it all on my own without a therapist though

my action plan is usually ' to feel the feeling '
like I will otherwise run away from the feeling
if I can't sit with it

190421

 

eclipse is very much puppetted by the author 

as are most people 

most people have made themselves busy 

with work , family and study 

and are not able to keep up 

with the Authors independent tinkerings

at the dawn chorus 

 

which explains eclipses changable loyalties 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

190421

 

eclipse has teamed up with the cam girl against me 

mothers know best ! 

 

author says i dont deserve my disability benefits 

that i have not earned them 

 

shes got that in early this morning 

to set the agenda for the dawn chorus 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

190421

the impact of the trauma 

like a bullet through a trampoline 

 

 

 

180421

im kind of feeling this one today
I had a lot of violence in my early life
and my neighbours have re-traumatised me
with the arguments they are having

I'm working on ' feeling the impact of the trauma '
I feel a bit like a trampoline
with the traumatic event making a huge impact on the surface
making me bounce around in my head

sitting with that feeling using helpful videos and posts
where I can feel other people supporting me
I'm feeling a little better for it





 

word jam : living in a war zone

there is a lot at stake
in terms of talking to strange men online
and the horror stories we hear about it

I stopped talking to someone recently
not because of what he looked like
but because he was also chatting up a friend of mine

the author is planning
on being up in the early hours of the morning
dedicated to planning my future for me

and i do occasionally lose my rag

it does sadden me
because for me what is life
without discovering the secrets hidden within me

and in turning over each stone
there is a shining treasure hidden in the mud

bit like giving birth perhaps !
take courage in both hands and push

and i wont be ' rewarding someone with sex '
sex is something i enjoy not something i sell !

person centred

reminder to eclipse ...
i have to be single for 3 months
because Im on the rebound
so i cant be telling you who i fantasised about !

they say we don't know what will happen in the future
I do hope that is true !

all ive suggeted is a turkey baster 

if thats what he wants to do
noncontemporary and stereotypical

a spark of warmth

a flower can be a friend
if there is nobody else 



im a bit traumatised by hearing 

 sounds like a scene from my past 


and with the promise of more to come 



I always seem to be living in a war zone

n how would we like to be told
to ' woman up ' ?

chopping off your own body parts
apparently im some sort of a quarry

if you went hitch hiking on your own
in the middle of the night
that would be magical thinking
not real magic

re-wilding 

some people want to win
just for the sake of winning

I'm not the authors mutual admirer

adventure camp, boot camp, army camp
when we help someone
a little bit of stardust rubs off on us

one of my exes 

is on oestrogen supplement by the doctors actually
to treat his aggression

a bit shooty

sailing through the glory of the heavens

when you give someone a compliment
a little of it rubs off on you

ive got a fractured leg bone
because of what ive done to myself in protest
in direct action
what more do you want ?

tipsy

i like to occasionally see something move
Alice disappears through the zoom window
is eating a trend ?
hes very hard on me
listen with your heart
you might understand the birds

people want what they cant have
n nobody attacks my vulnerable friend
I saw protesters dancing about 

in front of a line of riot shields

cats have magical healing powers
the woody nutty sounds
as it yowls from its bones
like a little bone rattling witch

her beautiful caterwauling operas
with the bellows bagpipes and drones

ha ha the visitor made a variety of sounds the other day
there was a low droning noise ,
the bagpipes when his belly was swelling
and then the normal high notes of the yowling ha ha

germs were sprayed at me outdoors

also going to bed early means
missing the dawn chorus where all the intelligence is shared

but i have a time travelling remedy



i have restricted blood flow to my right leg 

which makes me dizzy
theyve created a hostile environment for the disabled

i can see why Chucky would make a good partner
that can stand up to number 2
im not as cool as Chuck though

I am talking to a man like that as well
who gives me freedom to speak,

and i will write my raunchy thoughts on my blog
until im dead in my grave !

number 2 likes forbidden filth himself
and since when do we ' make someone happy '

i wonder if im a bit ornamental at this point

i have had climaxes that were not clitorally stimulated
both on my own and with a man
and it helps if im in good form

frustrated rage
raging until i explode !
gotta give em a runnaround

you made some art out of the negative
i mean you gotta wrestle with em

mindblowing intensity BAM !
slam bam thankou man

forbidden filth
i made love to a ghost

having sex with an edifice
making love to an institution

making love to a stereotype
for leverage
i actually cant remember
but it was phwoaaarrr

arrested on instagram


just ringing the changes ha ha !

180421

a child shouted ' Lilly ' outside my window 

 

 

 

180421

i was sprayed with germs yesterday at the supermarket

probalby by the cam girl 

since she was the last to mention it 

 

 

 

180421

women probably block a lot of people
if they don't instantly feel safe with them
its unlikely to do with your looks

if you think about it from women point of view
there is a lot at stake
in terms of talking to strange men online
and the horror stories we hear about it

I stopped talking to someone recently
not because of what he looked like
but because he was also chatting up a friend of mine

I mean what if we both had developed feelings for him !

180421 1.30 am

they are about to take guy number 6 

to be tortured and raped 

 

 

 

 

180421

the author is planning 

on being up in the early hours of the morning 

dedicated to planning my future for me 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

170421

we should all be grateful to lesbians 

for the love and stability they have provided 

to our society 

 

 

 

 

160421

the cam girl is in the thread of my vulnerable friend 

using pictures of cats to harrass me 

with sexual abuse, 

approving the satellite ogling of me 

and calling me a lesbian 

and i do occasionally lose my rag 

 

 

 

160421

yes if guy number 2 wanted to have sex with me 

he would have to find the part of me 

that wanted him in the first place 

 

 

 

160421

people do seem to be frightened of Rogerian therapy yes
most people won't touch any type of therapy let alone this one

it does sadden me
because for me what is life
without discovering the secrets hidden within me

and in turning over each stone
there is a shining treasure hidden in the mud

bit like giving birth perhaps !

take courage in both hands and push

160421

im not able to work bescaue I have a serious mental illness
M.E. and a broken hip

nothing to do with alcohol I have not drunk it since 2014

160421

nor will i be ' rewarding someone with sex ' 

sex is something i enjoy not something i sell ! 

 

 

 

160421

as usual I'm going to recommend
person centred rogerian therapy

behavioural approaches will not always lead to pleasure
as they don't touch deeply enough





 

160421

reminder to eclipse ... 

i have to be single for 3 months 

so i cant be telling you who i fantasised about ! 

 

 

160421

 

the destabilization of the Irish border 

is one of the obvious consequences 

of the Brexit bungle 

the Irish basically dont like us telling them what to do !  

150421

z and the cam girl continue to spam my vulnerable friend 

n she hopes her next child 

will be well enough to look after her in her old age 

 

 

 

150421

they say we don't know what will happen in the future
I hope that is true !





 

150421

if i can outsmart chucky 

i might be able to outsmart the author as well ! 

probalby not, its more likely we are all eternally single 

in the seas off the north of canada 

 

 

 

140421

so basically if i want to pass my course 

i have to give my approval 

to the torture and rape of guy number 6 apparently 

and nb baby mother sent spam actresses 

outside my home today to announce that i will be assualted 

isnt this all a bit of a vicious circle ? 

 

 

 

140421

having sex with an edifice 

making love to an institution 

 

 

 

 

140421

Irans instagram arrests 

 

 

 

140421

k so i was saying i have to be single until 20th June 

because im on the rebound 

i dont know how to make no 6 mate with baby mother 

all ive suggeted is a turkey baster if thats what he wants to do 

if yous want me to approve of assuaulting him 

then no im not going to approve that 

140421

 

making love to a stereotype 

for leverage

i actually cant remember 

but it was phwoaaarrr 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

130421

noncontemporary 

 

 

 

130421

im single for 3 months 

and i therefore dont want to say where i went ... 

not necessarily where you think i went 

if you were hacking into my computer ! 

n to quote Jayz 

what you think you saw , aint what you thought you saw 

 

 

 

130421

sounds like you are not sure whether you are an alcoholic then
or what sort of issues would make you one

people generally think of an alcoholic as like a tramp,
sleeping on a cardboard box kind of stereotype

not so ... there are high functioning alcoholics everywhere
even famous people

inside that person is terror, emotional unavailability
a feeling of being out of control, extreme loneliness , insanity
the list goes on. If you don't like the meetings
you could try reading the Big Book
see if any of that touches you 

130421

stereotypical 

 

 

 

 

130421

another reminder ... 

i have to be single until 20th June 

because im on the rebound ... 

 

 

 

 

130421

might be ok if you have a burning desire to be a parent

but a lot of people just doing it because
they think thats what people do
or to please their parents who want grandchildren

or ' to have someone to look after me in my old age ' ...

the answer is education

where there is education the birth rate falls
because people develop other values

 

 

 

130421

that sounds quite stereotypical Geoff
and is not my experience at all

men think they are supposed to want sex
and some of them have seen through that

I also hate the idea of sex as a ' reward '





 

1130421

i made love to a ghost 

 

 

 

130421

i did suggest he offer her a turkey baster 

thats all ive got im afraid 

 

 

 

130421

a spark of warmth 

 

 

 

130421

leverage 

 

 

 

130421

so if i want to pass my course

i have to get guy number 6 to impregnate baby mother ? ! 

i actually dont know how to do that ...  

and we are not supposed to be directive in peer mentoring 

slight conflict of interests too 

when ive just split up with him ! 

110421

a flower can be a friend 

if there is nobody else 

 

 

 

120421

the cam girl has resorted

to harrassing my vulnerable friend on the forum 

 

 

 

120421

difficulty getting sleep
due to yesterday and argument at the young neighbours
he slammed the front door so hard it crashed my zoom meeting
the two co-incided so I've assumed the vibrations were that strong

an Alanon member suggested putting an Alanon leaflet through the door
but I feel too vulnerable to do that
im a bit traumatised by hearing
what sounds like a scene from my past
and with the promise of more to come

I always seem to be living in a war zone 

120421

how would we like to be told 

to ' woman up ' ? 

 

 

 

 

100421

I know that is difficult ,
im not always able to face my feelings,
and I was abused more in my teens than childhood

you probably have a talent for working with feelings





 

100421

the author bangs on all night every night 

about what a good carer she would be for me 

and how she would focus on my meds 24/7 

 

 

 

 

100421

the cam girl said yesterday 

that she can spray me with germs 

and nobody will know about it 

 

 

 

 

090421

ive had no contact with z since 2014 

there are people who have footage of that 

 

 

 

 

090421

 

there are alot of threads on the forum 

with a simiar theme 

written by ' the partner ' of someone with a mental illness 

asking how can i help 

they are all written by The Author 

about her fantasy relationship with myself 

she wants me to not develop professionally 

to become worse in my illness 

and to have professionals force me to be her partner 

 

i suppose being harrassed by z is preferable to the author 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

090421

chopping off your own body parts  

080421

' the vet community in England are in crisis 

after their pet cats started poo-ing in their human beds ! 

vets are calling for anyone with information about this to come forward 

and to stop this smelly crisis ! 

apparently the cats are demanding the end of wormie treatments 

because they can magically heal themselves ' 

 

080421

i will be having it investigated 

if i fail the course 

because ive passed everything so far 

and was promised i could ask for help 

so if there is something outstanding at this point 

i expect to be told about it so i can re-do it over the weekend ... 

080421

i can see why guy number 2 should be my partner 

im just not feeling it  

you want me to walk down the aisle 

into a marriage of convenicene 

and think of England ?  

080421

apparently im some sort of a quarry 

 

 

 

080421

eclipse is considering failing me on the course 

because i dont share her catholic values 

and because women who flaunt their sexuality 

deserve to be assualted 

so she is colluding with my cyber rapist 

there are other reasons 

like making me into a moslem wife with no status 

and an unpaid carer for the author 

 

 

 

 

 

080421

a procession of cats is marching through London 

caterwauling for the banishement of WORMIE PILLS  ! 

they have little banners saying NO MORE WORMIES ! 

the government is frantic as to how to stop a load of cats that they cant arrest 

so they get some vets to lure them away with dreamies 

 

 

 

 

080421

whereas if you went hitch hiking in the day time 

with a friend 

you might have a magical experience 

 

 

 

080421

re-wilding 

 

 

 

070421

I think magical thinking in psychiatry
is about when the magic is not helpful
and not based in reality

like if you went hitch hiking in the middle of the night
believing that God would save you
would be an example

unlike more every day magic
where we have all had magical experiences 

that were healthy at times 

 

 

 

 

070421

guy number z approaches me 

i WILL go to the police ... 

 

 

 

070421

some people want to win

just for the sake of winning