010621

i do know what its like 

to lose touch with your feelings 

have you tried looking at a page of emoticons 

see if they trigger anything ? 

 

 

 

310521

number 6 then resorted to a threatening email 

about a woman being broken into at night 

ive put it in spam after taking a screen shot 

and put his profile on ignore 

 

 

 

310521

number 6 wants to have a baby with Nic 

and is dissing me on the forum 

to make himself feel justified 

coward

 

 

 

 

310521

dizzy wobbly shaky 

still my guitar slowly melts 

 

 

 

300521

ha ha the fairy mousie laughs and says that birdies have bigger wings ! <3

she darts about in the upper branches

300521

I had my astra Zeneca jab yesterday which put me out of my mind a bit
and then I watched a visualization
where you go to the land of the elves where hobbits and stuff reside

I slept for 10 hours after that
and went to a gnomes party with a band playing

there in the crowd were some estranged relatives standing together !
but I couldn't reach them
only some service users that said they didn't know me

today I have the sense that there are real fairies about
living amongst the flowers in an alternate universe

300521

I think if you pull the other way
they will either follow you or you will reach someone else

300521

feelings are like a runaway horse
they can't always be stopped
but if you let them free they will go other places as well

290521

when we are done fighting 

the grasses are waving in the sun 

 

 

 

280521

sorry you are tired

I experienced the carers over burn on the course I just did
I was on my knees by the end of it





 

280521

i didnt know ther was trafiking going on 

 

 

 

280521

number 2 has promised to marry me off to number z 

i think because my interest in number 6 

spoils the view from his window 

and to make the cam girl supreme 

he needs to destroy me 

so that they can usher in the new global financial order together 

 

 

 

 

 

 

270521

i didnt contact you because i thought you didnt want me to 

was i being too forward ? 

why am i always making the first move ? 

 

 

 

 

270521

 

so if a woman is past her best

in terms of looks 

then if she talks about sex 

she is not asking for it 

 

 

 

270521

intervene , engineer 

when it suits 

selective, mynotna 

 

 

 

260521

and one of them flew so close i could feel his wings on my hair ! 

 

 

260521


are women asking for it ?


if they join in or initiate conversations about sex ?
if they wear revealing clothes ?

is it assumed that if a woman expresses herself sexually
that she must be issuing an invitation to somebody ?

does that depend how attractive she is
and what is her age ?

is it only men who are allowed to broach these topics ?

must women accept whatever is dished back in return ?


for showing it from a mens perspective

what if there is a conversation going on
and a woman joins in with it
and its just a conversation

if she is not dressed a certain way

250521

n yeah I used to fight my brother
both as kids and as adults
he said I was surprisingly strong !

hes not the beefiest of guys though !

 

 

 

250521

I don't know because addicts have the shakes though

I was looking at my regrettable past today
in which in my twenties I used to get into fights with men !

but it left me with a kind of courage I didn't know about

 

 

250521

 

my family are like sumo wrestlers

my brother was a lovely person too
life and soul of the party

I've given up trying to reach him at the moment
I think once they start dealing
they become very hard 

 

 

 

 

250521

 

i believe you you are validated

its very important what happened to you 

and how you feel about it 

i hope you will get some healing from us

you have been heard 

im sorry this has happened to you 

 

 

 

 

240521

the adrenalin fuelled adventures 

lead me to fulfill my dream of paragliding 

and to experience the dream world here on earth 

 

 

 

230521




n yeah I know what you mean
I'm asking myself what those adrenalin fuelled adventures were all about

I stopped drinking and went crazy that way

im not sure what to do with those experiences
but I think they were worth something

230521

you sure you feel like that about your past ? I find myself doing that, I wish I had gone to art college instead of university ... but then do I ?

I went on to have adventures on a different path after university I just went off the radar

230521

and after all you can get better experiences from meditation
if you know what you are looking for

230521

the forum is run by anti straight gays 

not that im gay or straight 

but id like to think i have a choice 

 

 

 

 

230521

you never know you might get laid off

and i might get laid on 

is what im worried about ha ha 

230521

its hard to find the motivation 

because the goal is too big 

 

 

 

 

220521

empathy is to feel the other persons feelings 

 

 

word jam : the jaws of defeat


what I was feeling is someone else feelings !
and then i could see the off switch 
i could literally see a knob 

inclusivity
does not mean taking the locks off our doors
and being bosom buds with all and sundry

when push comes to shove we are all catholics

I think try not to worry about where you mind has gone
during a sexual fantasy
its a bit like dreams it can be very random sometimes
the mind tends to go where it should not go

this has all gone on in private for you
as part of you exploring your sexuality

i think a ' tacit complicity between peers '
if relied upon to facilitate cost cutting
will necessarily lead to the formation of service user ghettos
as it always has done
and with inherent disasters

but then who do i think i am to have an opinion !

yeah well the truth is I'm broken yet again 


and that might be the last time I have a bash at work 

I'm broken and all I can do is try to mend myself


nothing else 

I think its because I have a sensitive ' trait ' 



yeah I'm in the eye of the storm too 

if they stand under a star
they will miss the rain drops
sure a star be happy
to come down and play with your cat

I dont know if its reverse psychology

some people say its OK to date more than one person
until you have committed

I don't think I would do that
but a lot of people do

n yeah I went to a recovery meeting the other day in Los Angeles
I could see how frightened everyone was

just because someone puts a thing online
doesn't mean its fair game for all and sundry 

i have turned down the invitation
to act as a go between

i believe i have done this kindly and without malice
right now he is probably grappling with his feelings
but im trying to just sit with it

over time others have abandoned him as well
while expecting myself to keep in touch with him

hes been forced to go to recovery meetings by the police
but he actually just stood up in the meetings
and shouted abuse at them !

he worships a guru linked to drugs
i have cried to him and implored him to go to recovery
i have written his eulogy and handed it to him,

the cat was slinking around
looking very confident

i enjoy the sharper energy of men sometimes

I was frightened by a dog when I was four
and ever since then dogs have gone for me

my naivete is one of my charms

people find that time stops during meditation
so if time can stop and it can go forwards
it figures that it can also go backwards
time travel
if we can get past ground hog day
there might be some time to travel in

we have a load of new machinery
but i dont think human nature has changed that much

mystics claim that nothing ever changes 


that we are all in the eternal present 

so in that sense we are still fifty years ago 

my sister just confirmed
that she wants to kill me hoping to get my money

i always think something like a colonic
would take you back in time

The term "blind" comes from the fact
that the players are being forced to bet on their hands
without having seen their cards.
such as hold em

reminds me there was a type of gambling 


where you don't keep looking at your score 


I think it was part of poker stars

doctor doctor i feel like a dustbin

another molten lava guitar

and exploding atom
under intense pressure

theres something really magical about him
and he smells of washing powder

men are sick of being used as baby machines

all night long
like music that hits you in the back passage

my skin turned inside out
blasted to smithereens
whap whap like the tardis

a real head banger
bed post bump

im a bit ditsy in real life

like diving from a very high rock
into the deep end

i just think youre trying to squeeze
a square peg into a round hole

the lost key
climbing climbing

falling
claiming victory from the jaws of defeat

220521

k I looked up resources for empaths
and one of them is to write down
what you are feeling

I expanded on this by noticing sometimes
what I was feeling is someone else feelings !
so I would write that down as well

and then it was like I could literally see the switch
and go and do something else to distract myself

i could literally see a knob





 

210521

inclusivity 

does not mean taking the locks off our doors 

and being bosom buds with all and sundry 

 

 

 

 

210521

when push comes to shove 

we are all under the pope 

 

 

 

 

200521

I think try not to worry about where you mind has gone
during a sexual fantasy
I think its a bit like dreams and can be very random sometimes
plus the mind tends to go where we have told it not to go !

this has all gone on in private for you
as part of you exploring your sexuality

and in the end you can take what you like out of it
and leave the rest

 

200521

im not going to befriend the author 

 

 

 

 

200521

speakers corner thread is topical 

 

 

 

200521

 

i think a ' tacit complicity between peers ' 

if relied upon to facilitate cost cutting 

will necessarily lead to the formation of service user ghettos  

as it always has done 

and with inherent disasters

 

but then who do i think i am to have an opinion ! 

 

 

 

 

 

 

190521

 

im putting this up becaue his ex is hacking into our pm thread 

and posting extracts from it on the forum 

yeah well the truth is I'm broken yet again
and that might be the last time I have a bash at work

half way into the course I thought this is it I can do this
and then I had a benefit cut and some other things happened and I broke

I'm broken and all I can do is try to mend myself
nothing else
i am good enough just as I am !


n yeah the mental disability is worse

im not feeling it as pain right now
just oh look I'm broken again


I think its because I have a sensitive ' trait '
I can't ignore things that other people ignore

does that ring a bell ?


k but I think the key to this
is to discover that the sensitivity is a good thing !


really you received no gifts from that ?
you've not discovered your creativity ?
you can't see it at work with your young people ?

yeah I'm in the eye of the storm too

the thing is this is poetry

k we can talk about literature sometime. I like Kahlil Gibran

im kind of stuck at the moment I guess .
its one day at a time, I don't know where the solution will come from but it will come

190521

if they stand under a star 

they will miss the rain drops 

sure a star be happy 

to come down and play with your cat 

 

 

 

180521

and ive seen some discussions on the forum recently
that looks as though there is some social engineering going on
the sort where service users are encouraged / coerced into looking after each other


this has been tried before and dropped
when it lead to a series of disasters apparently
but they love trying this cost cutting exercise


which was especially prominent under Gordon Brown

180521

I dont know if its reverse psychology
but it looks to me like a social engineering model
where cost cutting is achieved by forcing the patients to look after each other

its been tried before
and there were so many injuries and suicides
that it was dropped

170521

i just think youre trying to squeeze 

a square peg into a round hole  

 

150521

I don't think the problem lies with you .
the problem from my point of view
is that you had high hopes too early on

you've only been chatting to her since last autumn
which on the internet is not very long

I've been advised to start off keeping things friendly

some people say its OK to date more than one person at once for instance until you have committed to someone

I don't think I would do that
but a lot of people do
and its not a reflection on any of their dates







 

i think the malware thing 

is probably guy number 2 trying to get me back 

which is a shame because i was thinking of going back

but now my being forced into it puts me off  

i know these antics worked in 2007 i was more naive then 

150521

threatened , intimidated


n yeah I went to a 12 step meeting the other day on zoom in Los Angeles
I could see how frightened everyone was

apparently its not like that everywhere in America though

the other thing is that the less you gossip
the less gossip reaches you about yourself

 

150521

there are plans afoot to kidnap number 6 

 

 

 

150521

oh of course in the US

yes but not here in the UK its very difficult
to get that kind of information

I wasn't really meaning to talk about peoples illegal activities so much
but more to do with their self expression their personalities
and their preferences

just because someone puts a thing online
doesn't mean its fair game for all and sundry





 

140521

I get confused sometimes with this.
there is such a thing as ' pathologically honest '
as though you were on oath all the time

people keep asking me why I'm not on my crutches
I only need them if I have to walk a distance
so I don't take them to the supermarket
because I can lean on the trolley

I said to someone today that I can't walk without the trolley
when in fact I can walk a few yards without it
so I don't know why I said that

 

130521

im in some pain this evening

after clashing with my father a bit

over his addict / alcoholic son, my brother

in which i have turned down the invitation

to act as a go between

i believe i have done this kindly and without malice

and that my father has reacted badly to it

and has retaliated with some comments about my weight

in so many words

some ideas have popped into my head

as to how i could send another email to ease the pain

to pacify his feelings , but that is not kind

because right now he is probably grappling with his feelings

about his son, and his guilt about overloading me with it

i feel that i can feel his pain, but im trying to sit with it

rather than sending something to ease it

well not yet anyway

today i had the same request from a cousin who lives abroad !

how is Ben ? i said i dont know ive not spoken to him recently

would you like the contact details of the hostel !

i realise there is nothing nasty or accusatory in what i said

so big progress from my past

where i would have expressed all kinds of interpretations and scenarios about it !

thanks for listening it was helpful to have you sit with this as well !

ive offered to go to recovery meetings with him and he has been in rehab in hospitals

which didnt work for him as he is very committed to his lifestyle

he is pretty much treatment resistant

my Dad cant bear to have any contact with him

and over time other relatives have abandoned him as well

while expecting myself to keep in touch with him

which is not healthy for anybody

my family could not be organised into such a thing

they have all turned their backs on him

and im currently in a delicate process

of trying to encourage them to phone him themselves

rather than expecting me to do it

im also not well myself with one thing and another

and i cant save him on my own

ive got him into a very good hostel where there are trained staff

and i think thats all i can manage

hes been forced to go to meetings by the police like you said

but he actually just stood up in the meetings

and told them what he thought of them !

hes very dedicated to his belief in drugs over anything else

and he worships a guru linked to that

just to add to that, i have done little ' interventions ' on my own at times

i was thinking, i have cried to him and implored him to go to recovery

i have written his eulogy and handed it to him,

ive given him all the compliments i could think of

and ive rallied up relatives where i could

but in the end this programme teaches ' detachment '

and im exploring how important that is

because sometimes an alcoholic just feeds off intensity

130521

k so you need to learn to be patient with yourself

imagine you are a small child trying to learn things
and you are also the parent of the child
and giving the child that love and patience

 

 

 

 

 

130521

the cat was slinking around 

looking very confident 

like diving from a very high rock 

into the deep end 

 

 

 

 none

130521

I think to be abused by a woman there is not always
the sharp pain of a man
but it feels like it makes things bland and wishy washy
makes me feel cynical and affects my friendships with women

is how it feels





 

120521

I think successful treatment does not erase the memories
it helps you to gain mastery over the feelings
that are associated with the memories

120521

n yeah its kind of difficult to put a finger on it how it feels
I like how you put that
it describes how it feels to be abused by a woman
and a kind of numbness that arises

although I do think the early abuse is linked to the later abuse
its very common for that to happen
that we somehow end up with the same abuse
that we had earlier on

like I was frightened by a dog when I was four
and ever since then dogs have gone for me

you could write more about the sexual abuse if you like





 

120521

 

my naivete is one of my charms 

theres different kinds of love 

and exploding atom 

under intense pressure  

theres something really magical about him 

and his dick smells of washing powder

men are sick of being used as baby machines 

all night long 

like music that hits you in the back passage 

they have sharp beaks those birds 

my skin turned inside out 

blasted to smithereens 

whap whap like the tardis 

a real head banger 

bed post bump 

im a bit ditsy in real life 

110521

another molten lava guitar 

its what works not who works 

 

 

 

110521

just to add to that, i have done little ' interventions ' on my own at times
i was thinking, i have cried to him and implored him to go to recovery
i have written his eulogy and handed it to him,
ive given him all the compliments i could think of
and ive rallied up relatives where i could


but in the end this programme teaches ' detachment '
and im exploring how important that is
because sometimes an alcoholic just feeds off intensity

 

 

 

 

100521

people find that time stops during meditation 

so if time can stop and it can go forwards 

it figures that it can also go backwards 

 

 

 

100521

time travel 

if we can get past ground hog day 

there might be some time to travel in 

 

 

 

100521

i wouldnt look for love and approval on social media 

although it was there sometimes 

but there are much better zoom meetings 

in all kinds of subjects and recovery 

 

 

 

100521

time travel 

we have a load of new machinery 

i dont think human nature had changed that much 

 

 

 

100521

mystics claim that nothing ever changes
that we are all in the eternal present
so in that sense we are still fifty years ago

100521

sister just confirmed 

that she wants to kill me hoping to get my money 

100521

youre his SISTER ! 

hes a HEROIN ADDICT ! 

 

 

 

100521

i always think something like a colonic 

would take you back in time 

090521

ive offered to go to recovery meetings with our addict and he has been in rehab in hospitals
which didnt work for him as he is very committed to his lifestyle

he is pretty much treatment resistant


my Dad cant bear to have any contact with him
and over time other relatives have abandoned him as well
while expecting myself to keep in touch with him
which is not healthy for anybody


so when they ask me how is he i say i dont know would you like his contact details


is where im at with this at the moment

 

090521

The term "blind" comes from the fact that the players are being forced to bet on their hands (that is, bet as though they believed their hands were the best hands) without having seen their cards. Generally, poker games that use blinds (such as Hold 'em or Omaha) use both a small and big blind

 

 

090521

yes I think gossip is gossip whether its online or offline
I guess but online is easier to verify

reminds me there was a type of gambling
where you don't keep looking at your score
I think it was part of poker stars

 

 

 

090521

doctor doctor i feel like a dustbin 

 

 

 

080521

 

the lost key 

climbing climbing 

failing
claiming victory from the jaws of defeat

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

word jam : a dead rock star

 
 
ive got low self esteem again today

i feel that ive failed as an artist
a professional artist

and ive not sold very much myself
im unemployed ...

made to do drudgery , worthless
cant even go to bed at a reasonable time
what a waste

im feelling a bit shy !
is a good chat up line for me
it puts the other person at ease
and invites them to share
their own insecurities

but i cant contact anyone romantically
until the 20th June

spiralling cork screw
twist it off
 
a cat is to stop you getting addicted
to your computer monster
a kerfuffle of royal furs
 
people keep telling me I'm tough
when they want something doing

my baby n i are bad to each other
 
the author has cut off her nose to spite her face
my sister is harassing me online  

the music sounds all trippy and stuff
like its melting

sitting with loneliness 

and you also felt hurt by her ... 



its very difficult to be close to someone 

and not hurt them 


when people are trying to be themselves 


they will hurt each other 



its not about being a failure



 

im in love with a dead rock star
feeling wobbly 



thanks I like their dances 


it sounds like they are dodging each other !

another technique I learned
when looking at a trauma
is try to make it a black and white film in your head
instead of a colour one

people have been known to climax
at the hands of their abusers , their torturers even
its still an assault  

how about a tv show called Safeword
the actors wind each other up
until somebody calls Safeword

080521

todays spam actors 

those birds have shrp beaks dont thye 

things are about to get alot wierder 

its all happening mate 

a mini picnic basket not a massive one 

this last one was down my road 

baby mother adores that kind of analogy 

 

 

 

 test

070521

reason my sister wants the money 

is so that she can move the family 

to her country of origin 

n does she even know what is in the will ? 

she is a very abusive woman, always has been 

 

 

 

 

070521

people keep suggesting that im big and tough 

as if that had anything to do with 

being able to take on a heroin addict 

and philoctetes wound ! 

 

 

 

 

070521

 

i do love number 6 

but he professed love to my vulnerable friend 

and she has seen his photo 

so i dont know if that can ever be mended 

because i cant have her being upset 

thinking im with someone who has hurt her like that 

maybe in time it will be water under the bridge but i dont know 

070521

being made to do drudgery 

as in relatives phoning up 

expecting news of our heroin addict 

my dad said i must look like a welder 

in my transparet visor 

 

 

 

070521  17.36

how about a show on Dave 

called ' Safeword ' 

where celebs wind each other up 

until someone calls Safeword ! 

 

 

 

 

070521

 

ive got low self esteem again today 

even though i may be passing the mentoring course after all  

i feel that ive failed as an artist 

or as my stepmother put it 

your cousin is a professional artist 

as if that wouldnt be possible for me to achieve 

a professional artist 

and ive not sold very much myself

im unemployed ... 

070521

im feelling a bit shy ! 

 

 

 

060521

i cant contact anyone romantically 

until the 20th June 

 

 

 

 

060521

twist it off 

 

 

 

060521

a cat is to stop you getting addicted 

to your computer monster 

 

 

 

060521

spiralling cork screw 

 

 

 

 

060521

in town a woman came up to me 

and told me that i am tough 

little way on sighting of the author  

and attempted computer scam this morning 

060521

baby mother and the author are HARD at work 

on an all nighter trying to affect my finances 

in line with their own personal agendas

 

 

 

 

060521

my baby n i are bad to each other 

 

 

050521

a kerfuffle of royal furs 

 

 

 

 

050521

baby mother sent spam actresses 

to harrass me at the supermarket 

the author has cut off her nose to spite her face 

sister in law harrassing me online 

she wants my small inheritance 

n i could change the will ... 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

040521

the music sounds all trippy and stuff 

like its melting 

 

 

 

040521

sitting with loneliness

and you also felt hurt by her ...

its very difficult to be close to someone and not hurt them
when people are trying to be themselves
they will hurt each other

its not about being a failure



 

040521

sitting with low self esteem , unemployed etc

made to do drudgery , worthless

cant even go to bed at a reasonable time 

what a waste





 

040521

im in love with a dead rock star 

 

 

 

040521

state sponsored abuse 

 

 

 

030521

wobbly 

 

 

030521

thanks I like their dances
it sounds like they are dodging each other !

030521

another technique I learned
when looking at a trauma
is try to make it a black and white film in your head
instead of a colour one

this helped me to look at something I couldn't look at

010521

people have been known to climax 

at the hands of their abusers , their torturers even

doesnt make it not an assault 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

word jam : total wipeout

eclipse is very much puppetted by the author
as are most people
most people have made themselves busy
with work , family and study
and are not able to keep up
with the Authors independent tinkerings
at the dawn chorus

sitting with a feeling of failure
sitting with broken

the word backwards game
reflection backwards
 
i had to end it with somebody else 
because it was too intense
it was never going to happen

any old fantasy will do at that point
do you know what i mean ?

anyway im single
but it was all about you

n Dev taught me a thing or two
but hes gone now
Dev n Scarey always in my heart
a real head banger

the past IS important
and we need the space to heal from it
 
difficult feeling to sit on 
ive tried to work but im flat on my back
try not to react to it
i have not mastered a feeling until i can sit with it

total wipeout had me on my death bed
sometimes i have a blackout 
n the moon shone bright clear as a bell
 
but did react to it 

i did one without the button  
but then i wanted another one which didnt work out
so there may be something else in there

biological fascism
plot thickens , plot unknown ! 

sometimes in the scariest moments
you get a surge of adrenalin and a high



I dont think people realise how important it is
to give yourself pleasure 
to explore your feelings in private 


without worrying how other people feel 


and stay out of a harmful relationship 



you can explore your gender, 

your orientation and your preferences 


and nobody needs to know what you fantasied about ! 


all because of some silly Victorian taboo !

the cam girl is a very talented poet
 
Dont Tell The Groom
k so im in charge of the wedding
and i want a magician to make us both disappear
especially if the magician is one of my exes
and youd both have ex partners at the wedding
and at the end of it its called off
due to unresolved issues
like you've got to be constanty uncoupling

Chucky says he has set fire
to a piece of paper on his desk

and i dont agree that we have to be partners
for the sake of national security
we can do that as friends
 
seems more easy to believe in dark forces than light ones
 
being in a couple
is sooo last century
and all that coupliness
 
slapped on the face and thoroughly concussed
comatose 
 
you will own nothing and you will be happy
is something to do with crypto currency

like a rock n roller coaster
imploded like a demolition site
 
directivity
 
he says to his voices thankyou for sharing
 
fight or flight mode
living in the moment in a cold war zone 
spirit of the blitz , nothing left to lose ,
with people setting me up

born free

like being opened right up
nothing left to hide
escape from Alcatraz

why ?

this is all wrong for me

the birds are starting up
way before the dawn recently
in their chilly beds
 
theres like a drum skin in my body
 
bit coin, can people be bought
lock stock and barrel ?
that idea made me self harm once

dizzy sick and legless
the climax of death
 
its about partner control
and control in general
its about causing a crisis
so that you can be the hero of that crisis 
 
birdie shadow pie
 
the impact of the trauma
like a bullet through a trampoline

miss you blue surprise