010120

i don't want to click another smilie
like George and Mildred 

am i supposed to say goodnight ? 
am i just doing what he wants ? 
am i looking for a parent ? 
being myself ? 

listen to the darkness 

301219 

im vegetarian curious 

291219 

hi this is a bit of an odd way to introduce myself 

but hi I've got my ex on the line 
complaining nobody understands him  
n I'm like what am i supposed to do about it   ? 

281219 

2020 vision 

boxing day used to be the giving of alms 
why don't we call it alms day 
and have an alms day treasure hunt ?

children will love it 
after all the receiving of presents 
to hunt through their old toys 

for presents for the poor children 

word jam : the anti Christmas Rebellion Protest

Christmas feels all wrong 
n you gotta join in 
you gotta join in 

one day there will be an anti Christmas rebellion protest 
a sit in with people eating carrots, baked beans 
and doing anything that is un- Christmassy ! 


did i ask for this ?  
I've got to go out 
and smile at social events ? 

here is a person 
who does not really want to be here 

what do they do with their life ?   

im 55 and have alot of cellulite 
which is largely covered up with dark clothing 
there is plenty of dust in my home 
and I lie on the sofa alot of the time 
watching American sitcoms 
and eating bananas 

pretty overweight , and with few friends 
I largely shun society 
and have badly hung curtains 

come and join me !

maybe take the bedroom off the table for a bit !

what do I mean by American values ? !

I think something like the American dream 
where everyone is self supporting 
and creates hockey mum families 
with tall glowing blonde teenagers 
who play American ball games 
and act as teenagers 

looking super fit 
and everything is positive and exciting all the time ! 

it can also be confusing sometimes 
when someone does not give signals 
sometimes I'm not sure if I'm chatting to a friend or a date 
about a controversial topic 


maybe the onus is on the recipient of the signals 
not to jump to premature conclusions

like slut, slag, slapper tart, tease, 
traditionally intended to make a woman responsible 
for a mans sexual feelings 
as part of being straight , this is an issue for women 
in that it can inhibit their sexuality and its expression 

there must be vast swathes of rich material undiscovered in women 
that are not allowed out because of the fear 
of being condemned by society 

making the territory of straight women 
a vast undiscovered continent 

most men find it difficult 
to withhold the thrust 
fearing they may lose it 

but we need the stop and start
in order to keep it 

221219 

Christmas feels all wrong 
n you gotta join in 
you gotta join in 

one day there will be an anti Christmas rebellion protest 
a sit in with people eating carrots, baked beans 
and doing anything that is un- Christmassy ! 

181219

dating site ad

im 55 and have alot of cellulite
which is largely covered up with dark clothing
there is plenty of dust in my home
and I lie on the sofa alot of the time
watching American sitcoms
and eating bananas

pretty overweight , and with few friends
I largely shun society
and have badly hung curtains

come and join me !

141219 

maybe take the bedroom off the table for a bit !



my heart is here actually
this messy shambles of a country, with its crude sense of humour
and people who drink too much
needs a kick up the backside from Greta Thunberg though

what do I mean by American values ? !

I think something like the American dream
where everyone is self supporting
and creates hockey mum families
with tall glowing blonde teenagers
who play American ball games
and act as teenagers

looking super fit
and everything is positive and exciting all the time !

141219 


it can also be confusing sometimes
when someone does not give signals
especially if you dont know what gender or orientation they are
sometimes I'm not sure if I'm chatting to a friend or a date
about a controversial topic
especially nowadays there are so many genders to learn about

why dont we just agree that women have magical powers
that they have to be careful with ?

141219 

maybe the onus is on the recipient of the signals
not to jump to premature conclusions

like slut, slag, slapper tart, tease,
traditionally intended to make a woman responsible
for a mans sexual feelings
as part of being straight , this is an issue for women
in that it can inhibit their sexuality and its expression

there must be vast swathes of rich material undiscovered in women
that are not allowed out because of the fear
of being condemned by society

making the territory of straight women
a vast undiscovered continent

which ultimately impoverishes the experiences of straight men !

101219 

most men find it difficult 
to withhold the thrust 
fearing they may lose it 

but we need the stop and start
in order to keep it 

word jam : messing about

would you rather 
sleep with a fish or a hyena 

messing around with the boys 
causing trouble 
keep it in your pants   

why do i always fancy the wrong person ? 

those girls at the races had a choice 
it was a drunken dare 

pissing in the urinals 

and things are such now 
that i seem to have a few male partners 
all of whom know that we are not faithful to each other 
but each one seems to be the right one when I'm talking to him 
the real one the one who is really my partner 

so like several open relationships going on 

and I'm stumbling around in the dark 


I actually think there is something magnificent about bpd 
they are such passionate creative people, so brave and fearless 

I suppose the self harm is a bitch 

harassed by a drunk man 

well yes and alot of men do understand as well 
if they are not drunk in an unpleasant way 

but yes I do end up thinking what have I done to invite this 
certainly nothing flirtatious in this case 
I started wondering if his hair looks like mine 
because it is scruffy 

sometimes hair can attract certain types of people

or if a woman expresses a sexual thought 

so there are circles where this is not a problem 
like in new age progressive green gatherings 
where roleplay groups are doing conflict management and stuff 
there are workshops where sexuality is explored 

but in mainstream society 
if a woman expresses something sexual or flirtatious 
its is regarded as a promise to any male present 
or even also to a gay woman present sometimes 

when she may not actually have invested so much of herself in that thought
she may be just experiencing herself 

there used to be a thing 
where some women expected to be chased 
as part of a courting game 

but its best not to do that now 

or if people want to play those games 
they need to put in place a safe word 
no need to make one up 
just say ' safe word ' 

061219 

would you rather 
sleep with a fish or a hyena 

011219 

messing around with the boys 
causing trouble 
keep it in your pants  

281119 

why do i always fancy the wrong person ? 

those girls at the races had a choice 
it was a drunken dare 

pissing in the urinals 

271119

the guy is on a great frequency 

251119 

and things are such now 
that i seem to have a few male partners 
all of whom know that we are not faithful to each other 
but each one seems to be the right one when I'm talking to him 
the real one the one who is really my partner 

so like several open relationships going on 

and I'm stumbling around in the dark 

251119


I actually think there is something magnificent about bpd
im diagnosed with schizophrenia
but I share so many characterisitcs with bpd
they are such passionate creative people, so brave and fearless

I suppose the self harm is a bitch
but I somehow have managed to overcome that

harassed by a drunk man 

well yes and alot of men do understand as well
if they are not drunk in an unpleasant way

but yes I do end up thinking what have I done to invite this
certainly nothing flirtatious in this case
I started wondering if his hair looks like mine
because it is scruffy

sometimes hair can attract certain types of people

if a woman expresses a sexual thought 

so there are circles where this is not a problem
like in new age progressive green gatherings
where roleplay groups are doing conflict management and stuff
there are workshops where sexuality is explored

but in mainstream society
if a woman expresses something sexual or flirtatious
its is regarded as a promise to any male present
or even also to a gay woman present sometimes

when she may not actually have invested so much of herself in that thought
she may be just observing her own patterns

so is it really true that men cannot control themselves sexually ?

yes I think people can be taught to control themselves

there used to be a thing
where some women expected to be chased
as part of a courting game

but its best not to do that now
considering as you said laws that are in place

or if people want to play those games
they need to put in place a safe word
I dont see the need to make one up
just say ' safe word '

if someone is not reading you right

241119 

are straight people shallow ? 

word jam : whats wrong with schizophrenia

try running uphill 
carrying a brick layer

sometimes its music 
that comes from nowhere 
especially percussion sounds 
like during my worst episodes 
there would be a euphoria 
where all the sounds in the kitchen 
like pots and pans 
would be all jangling 
with different notes making a tune 
which I called Tootle Tunes  

other times entire melodies 
I have been able 
to write down for the piano 
and mystical beasts I could draw 
like it had come from somewhere else 

I liked skateboard parks 
for the sounds out there 
that would turn into reggae  
now recently i just get 
a little bit of percussion 
coming from objects in my home 

the joy of sleeping on someones dirty floor 

my friends found it funny 
i was asleep next to a loud speaker 

i had to get out of his flat 
i went and fell asleep 
outside the National Gallery 
enjoying the hot sun   
and the thundering of the traffic 
the soul of London   

following on from cyber sex 
you can reach a plane of astro sex   

one day their memory 
will be extinguished forever 

when flaming torches 
would ignite our hearts

211119

one day their memory 

will be extinguished forever 

when flaming torches 
would ignite our hearts

211119

anyone had these
not sure if they are always voices
sometimes its music that comes from nowhere
especially percussion sounds
like during my worst episodes there would be a euphoria
where all the sounds in the kitchen like pots and pans
would be all jangling with different notes making a tune
which I called Tootle Tunes
and I tried to record it

other times entire melodies
I have been able to write down for the piano
and mystical beasts I could draw
like the whole image was just there
like it had come from somewhere else

I particularly liked skateboard parks
for the sounds in there that would turn into reggae music
now recently all I'm getting is a little bit of percussion
coming from objects in my home

201119

try running uphill 
carrying a brick layer 

181119 

the joy of sleeping on someones dirty floor 

my friends found it funny 
i was asleep next to a loud speaker 

171119 

i had to get out of his flat 
i went and feel asleep outside the National Gallery 
enjoying the hot sun   
and the thundering of the traffic 
the soul of London   

following on from cyber sex 
you can reach the place of astro sex  

n if they think you are in it for a career 
they will not speak to you 

word jam : on the rebound

doesnt have to go anywhere
more one flew over the cuckoos nest for me
the castle wall is collapsing

maybe I'm more of a flirt than most people though
I seem to wind people up sometimes
maybe they think I mean it when I dont
I will make it sound as though we are already intimate
when I'm as fickle as a dandelion !

those watery eyes

yes and how much of that time
are you looking into your phone ?
just wondering because last I heard
you were looking into the phone at a night club
theres usually another pie inside a pie

I would say I have a cheating issue
which is more like I will leave a partner too quickly
not leaving any space in between
and with no warning 

I feel quite drunk as it is without anything !
I can have some kind of a ' trip ' without taking LSD
just remembering it
that way I dont get the downer

psychosis and alien states
is a spiritual state
involving direct contact with other entities
and not via any religion
a state that is free of the conditionings of our societies
where we are the aliens
we are above the advertising and propaganda

like a slippery ball
at times the dark side will bounce
and show its hand

yes I like that look on a bloke !
there has to be something sensitive
and delicate about them for me
sensitive hands
like a tragic poet look
ive never been out with a macho man

got a handle on spirituality he says !

n this is where the author steps in
to pour the cold water
the author is a character from my book
was that a different alter ?

he used to have an Irish accent
but the same build
all the mannerisms are there
n now he has a posh voice

spin the bottle, tutti frutti
the world was losing its humanity
does straight mean square ?

suddenly i saw myself as dangerous
the insides of me exposed to ridicule
I had nobody to share my pain with
and then I start to believe
I am no longer human
literally I feel like an animal

a climate change protester
was dragged off a train roof
and beaten up
feeling the energy of the tree

pathological demand resistance
and wolfism
remind me of myself
rough justice

I've never been to Mars
someone was watching us
or is that just paranoia ?

i think i found
my inner puppet
just a disembodied head

151119 

nb comments disabled on last vid 
not by me 

141119 

doesnt have to go anywhere 

131119 

more one flew over the cuckoos nest for me 

111119

the castle wall is collapsing 

081119

maybe I'm more of a flirt than most people though
I seem to wind people up sometimes
maybe they think I mean it when I dont
I will make it sound as though we are already intimate
when I'm as fickle as a dandelion ! 

061119 

those watery eyes

yes and how much of that time
are you looking into your phone ?

just wondering because last I heard
you were looking into the phone at a night club

sorry bit of a slip in my behaviour

theres usually another pie inside a pie

051119

I seem to have very similar issues
although a different diagnosis

I would say I have a cheating issue
which is more like I will leave a partner
for a new partner too quickly
not leaving any space in between

and with no warning

so I guess that would feel like cheating
to the other person

I usually in love with 2 people

031119

I feel quite drunk as it is without anything !
I can have some kind of a ' trip ' without taking LSD
just remembering it
that way I dont get the downer

I dont really regret it
but I was very very lucky
because my brother got addicted

my meds sobered me up a bit
but I can quite happily sit with drunk people
lolling about with a coke !

psychosis and alien states

is a spiritual state
involving direct contact with other entities
and not via any religion

a state that is free of the conditionings of our societies
where we are the aliens

we are above the advertising and propaganda

021119 

like a slippery ball 
at times the dark side will rebel 
and show its hand 

021119

yes I like that look on a bloke !
there has to be something sensitive 

and delicate about them for me
sensitive hands

like a tragic poet look

ive never been out with a macho man

011119 

got a handle on spirituality he says ! 

n this is where the author steps in 
to  pour the cold water 

301019 

i wouldn't want a man 
who's all stiff emotionally 

281019 / 291019

was that a different alter ? 

he used to have an Irish accent 
but the same build 
all the mannerisms are there 

n now he has a posh voice 

211019 

just when you most need 
someone to talk to 
when the trauma is building up 

nobody wants to talk about it ! 

211019 

spin the bottle, tutti frutti 
the world was losing its humanity 

211019 

i don't know my limitations 
does straight mean square ? 

suddenly i saw myself as dangerous    
the insides of me exposed to ridicule 

I had nobody to share my pain with 

and then I start to believe

I am no longer human 

literally I feel like an animal 

191019 

i can see that you're angry 
sometimes winds people up  

a climate change protester 
was dragged off a train roof 
and beaten up 

feeling the energy of the tree 

pathological demand resistance 
and wolfism   
remind me of myself   

rough justice 

I've never been to Mars  
someone was watching us   
or is that just paranoia ?  

word jam : blood stained gloves

theres a smokey moon
vinyl has a more earthy texture 
the scratchy grooves 
where a soul is etched 

i just feel stigmatised
i  can't be externalising 
my mental health issues in public 

I'm seen as odd, 
my brain is squirming 
i feel that i stick out 
like a sore thumb 


climate protests 
are about so much more than climate change 
the surveillance , internet, robots,   
they want to come together 
and glue themselves to mother earth 

feeling an amazing energy of connection 
passing between them 

its the other way round 
when nature casts spells on ME  

gender 0.65 

spin the bottle, 
rough house parties 
sharing parties  

orientation 0.01 

i'll pretend to agree 
i'll pretend to disagree  

there were two bloodstained gloves 
and some half eaten pizza 
splattered in the middle of the road 

someone in a very distressed state 

he reached over to the empty tables 
and drank the leftover dregs 

admitting to myself 
things i am deeply ashamed of

the way he speaks about women and stuff 
the kind of charm which is skin deep 
and he thinks he is emotionally supportive 
when he doesnt know the meaning ! 

but that charm and charisma is there ... 

and there it is the same pattern 

we are all on the brink 
of becoming a psychopath   

161019

if everybody is a little bit gay
then everybody is a little bit straight

gender 0.65 

161019 

spin the bottle  

orientation ? 

0.01 

151019 / 161019

i'll pretend to agree 
i'll pretend to argue 

there were two bloodstained gloves 
and some half eaten pizza in the middle 
lying in the road 

its the other way round 
when nature casts spells on me  

someone in a very distressed state 

as Israel is now linked to America 

you'd have thought 
that Rastafaians 
would would have more in common 
no with the Israelis 
but with the Palestinians 

we are all on the brink 
of becoming a psychopath    

spin the bottle, 
rough house parties 
n sharing parties 

151019 

a smokey moon 

141019 

vinyl has a more earthy texture 
the scratchy grooves 
where a soul is etched 

131019 

he reached over to the empty tables 
and drank the leftover dregs 

admitting to myself 
things i am deeply ashamed of 

121019 

even on the internet !
my last relationship / fling
was a friend, and he had actually told me
that he lost his driving licence due to drink


probably sensing that I liked a ' bad boy '
which is usually an alcoholic or a co-alcoholic


and I thought thats it, I'm leaving alone relationships
for about 10 years !


ive heard people make different goals like that
in some fellowships they recommend a year out


and I remember a story in a magazine,
someone had taken 10 years out and then met the right person


I feel that I'm not actually even looking for that at the moment
I have found other things on the internet


except that I now find myself flirting online
and the latest one has guess what , just lost his driving licence !
according to him because of mental health issues
but when I think about it , he sounds mighty alcoholic actually


the way he speaks about women and stuff
the kind of charm which is skin deep
and he thinks he is emotionally supportive
when he actually has no idea what that really entails


but that charm and charisma is there ...


and there it is the same pattern


only now on the internet, I have not gone too far into it
we have not even privately mailed

word jam : correlation therapy

psychic invasion 
began around 2013 

are you saying that correlation is not causality ? 
because I think sometimes it is 
if the rhythm is great enough 

sugardrunk 

yes i have had  occasionally 
a gay fantasy , very fleetingly 
and i would not go on a date with one 

i don't like the pressure 

not Dorothy no 
i think i fancy the tin man 

and old school Machiavellian thinking 
is going out of fashion 
strong man posturing 
some people have a more progressive attitude 
based on tolerance and even love !

what about your right to emotional help ? 

i shouted at the judge 
and stormed out 
i got away with it  

decorum ? 
i was throwing myself at him  

stormy, moody , brooding    

what if there is a lemon on the table 
and your friend says its an orange 

this could be an interesting friendship 
my intentions are platonic 

is this some kind of correction therapy ? 
do i need contraceptives these days ?  

sometimes surrender 
is the right thing to do 

there are things about me 
that i don't know yet 

unrepeatable thoughts 

i feel like I'm being strangled or something 

you need a bit of friction 
what about your right 
to go pot holing ? 

is this a get ready for Brexit pep talk ? 

oh politics is so dull dear 

OK lets talk about blackmail instead then ! 

n now he's trying to be a bad boy 

maybe i could settle for him 
the stakes are high 

some people don't seem to care 
about the Irish border 
as long as they get their end away ...