280117    4pm

i got turned on by an abusive image 
that i had read in a novel 

forget about finding the right partner
i would probably think he was too nice anyway 

if its nice but no spark 
thats not it ... 

song : lonely and blue

i havent even got a phone 
well just a landline anyway 
the phones are so expensive 
on top of your broadband fees 

it makes her very ill 
she can't afford to keep in touch 
or visit family 
technology is getting in the way 

im lonely and blue 
that i can't contact you 
a screen is in the way 
n im lonely and blue ... 

what a wimp you are 
agreeing to your injection ... 
now is your chance 
to take back control ... 
where is your bold spirit ? 

feels like I'm bailing out 
a leaky boat ... 

song : the walls are closing in

she caught it off a patient at the day centre 
mental illness is contagious 

the anxiety is like 
the walls are closing in on you 
people are closing in, things are closing in 
and you just can't catch a break 

11.30 pm

bailing out a leaky boat 
full of everyone 
all the luggage there
this is so unfair
can nobody help me ? 

the walls are closing in ... 

song : the mental health blues

22.53    190117 

i got the mental health blues 
the other patients think they're better than me 
because they had children 

my brother has just been kicked out of another hostel 
and soon he will be on the streets 

even the staff are suicidal 
and in need of help
i have to treat them myself ... 

the patients have no-one to talk to 
just a bag of medication 
and each others depressed faces 

i got the mental health blues 

hyggelige = snugging 

22.44

the spellchecker God ... 

mental health

noon 

so the conversation sort of nosedives 
into mens' talk ... 
and then they were like testing me out 
to see how much of it i could take ! 

100117   midnight 

Ill never get over my mummy 
i can't even sleep 

the scar is too deep 

i left her to live with my dad 

i was all she had 

i can't even sleep 

the scar is too deep 

she took her life in front of my brother

he watched the death of his mother 

i can't even sleep 

the scar is too deep 

unsycronised technology

5pm 

this is no longer a civilised country ... 
you can't get a doctor appointment or board a train 
and its too expensive to talk on the phone  

people are jumping the train doors 
and pushing in ... 

trying to book the GP on the phone 
an online click pipped me to the post ! 

you can't go up to your ex
and say you're sorry 
someone you were really horrible to 
so i have to apologise 
by behaving better with the next one ... 

but usually i can see through it now 
they are not worth bothering with 


she went to rehab today 

so with the romantic stuff 
she can see the signs earlier on 
that there is something wrong 
they give you clued 
like he has just lost his licence for drink driving 

it would go in one ear and out the other 
i would be thinking 
oh here is the one, finally the universe has sent me a partner 
and i get swept away , 
not by the person 
i get swept away by my own fantasy 

and what is missing is my voice 
im so hypnotised 
that i forget to say that maybe 
I'm not comfortable with that 
or i don't like this thing ...

060117

sometimes 
you can end up getting off with someone you don't really fancy 
just because you are lonely 
and need a bit of fun ... 

the pedophile next door 
has 2 dogs in there barking this evening ...

301216


i think theyre undercover cops 
nothing like a bit of banter 
to get the stories rolling 
find out what he's been up to 

when i was in hospital 
i thought everyone was either 
a whistleblower or a spy ... 

so anyway 
as i was waiting for my taxi 
he winked at me 
and said next time he would give me a lift home 
and that i can pay him ... 

anyway so the man who invited us to the pub last week was there
and i thought maybe he is trying to chat me up but i wasnt sure
then this time he came up to me after the meeting and said

" do you want me to hold you while you kick and scream ? ! "

i said i kicked and screamed myself all the way into a mental hospital
and got myself sectioned, how scarey is that !
so i think maybe he is chatting me up
and i found this fun and amusing
but i don't actually fancy him
i also feel a bit vulnerable
as if he is alot more in control of the situation than i am
and i could be 'got around' ...
which is kind of what happened with the last guy ...

or i might feel i have 'led him on' or 'toyed with him'
and therefore have to proceed ... etc ...
and all the stuff that goes with it
like with him he agreed to use a condom and then didnt
and i was too out of my head on amyl nitrate to say anything about it

and Christmas also reduces me to a pulp
where i start talking to homeless people and generally down trodden people
as if i should model myself on Jesus Christ

and not be judgmental
today i gave money to a homeless man called
and then i walked on
then wondered why the next homeless person i saw
didnt deserve as much attention
and was then pounced on by someone with ME
who is quite draining
and all this getting out of hand
with boundaries thrown to the wind because of bloody Christmas !