011020
my vagina smells great today
but my urine doesnt !
the harpie Nic and cloud clockwork and bisto are not welcome to read my blog or use me in any way , there are thoughts in your own head huns
Wednesday, 30 September 2020
Tuesday, 29 September 2020
300920
today occurs to me its not only gay people and trans
who have encountered the guilt and shame
of a relationship that is not socially sanctioned
might also happen to straight people sometimes
that you ' fall in love with the wrong person '
for one reason or another
the relationship seems to be socially unacceptable
and all the guilt and shame associated with that
and does the guilt and shame really help
or do the feelings just go buried underground ?
is that what happens when we shame people ?
to quote Bowie
' we stood behind the wall
and shame was on the other side '
who have encountered the guilt and shame
of a relationship that is not socially sanctioned
might also happen to straight people sometimes
that you ' fall in love with the wrong person '
for one reason or another
the relationship seems to be socially unacceptable
and all the guilt and shame associated with that
and does the guilt and shame really help
or do the feelings just go buried underground ?
is that what happens when we shame people ?
to quote Bowie
' we stood behind the wall
and shame was on the other side '
and to quote Shakespeare
' avete uciso i vostri bambini '
Monday, 28 September 2020
290920
today i had my therapy on the phone
and i felt such a mess this morning, kind of befuddled
unco-ordinated not functioning very well
and i sounded slurred as if i was drunk !
i rambled on to her thinking sometimes it is healthy to do that
and after the call i thought well actually i trusted her !
and even felt a sense of intimacy
that im capable of trusting someone and being close to them !
and i felt such a mess this morning, kind of befuddled
unco-ordinated not functioning very well
and i sounded slurred as if i was drunk !
i rambled on to her thinking sometimes it is healthy to do that
and after the call i thought well actually i trusted her !
and even felt a sense of intimacy
that im capable of trusting someone and being close to them !
Sunday, 27 September 2020
Saturday, 26 September 2020
word jam : Baroque tendrils
doing this form has left me feeling exposed
almost like having to strip off actually
what my mother would call strip jack naked
and I dont think she was talking about actual physical clothes
its like someone has taken away the skin or something
and I havent even been interviewed by them yet !
i can hardly get to the bathroom
without this searing pain
because of what i did in 2013
when they were watching me
from the satellite dish
when we have done everything
then there will be nothing left to dream about
women with sexist intentions
the dawn chorus
are sharing intelligence
tailgating or vulnerability
arrangement or agreement
win or lose
cute or pretty
vultures
we share 99 % of our dna with chimpanzees
until we come to our Hey Jude moment
then again
if your real life partner
has been in an internet afair
lasting well over a decade
you might assume they have moved on !
if only no 2's girlfriend
could stand on her own head
and not feel the need
to be constantly dissing me !
it really blocks the flow of things
but seriously you think i can counsel him
while maintaining a romance ? !
far out
guy no 1 and guy no 3
already had a handle on their emotions
course no worries now
that guy no 2
is dating an actual therapist !
especially at the beginning in the dating stage
people can date as many people as they like
in a world of octopuses
guy number 3 found a meaningful treasure for me
my ability to tolerate my emotions is growing
n the Trixy and i held our noses and jumped
n yeah I went to sex addicts anonymous for stuff like that
its difficult sometimes to personalise sex
its like trying to personalise food !
an act of pleasure that is not always linked to the heart
burlesque embellishment
the wishbone said
that i cant have guy no 1
because of his most recent ex
ornate , flourish, tendril , baroque , curl
Portugal
ive got one foot in the other world
where my mother is
and we trudge on
through the mountains and valleys of love
im going in the opposite trajectory to my boyfriend
its all personality for me
lets pretend its working for us
shape shifter, running man, grit or sand ?
and they all scrolled over
n one fell out
almost like having to strip off actually
what my mother would call strip jack naked
and I dont think she was talking about actual physical clothes
its like someone has taken away the skin or something
and I havent even been interviewed by them yet !
i can hardly get to the bathroom
without this searing pain
because of what i did in 2013
when they were watching me
from the satellite dish
when we have done everything
then there will be nothing left to dream about
women with sexist intentions
the dawn chorus
are sharing intelligence
tailgating or vulnerability
arrangement or agreement
win or lose
cute or pretty
vultures
we share 99 % of our dna with chimpanzees
until we come to our Hey Jude moment
then again
if your real life partner
has been in an internet afair
lasting well over a decade
you might assume they have moved on !
if only no 2's girlfriend
could stand on her own head
and not feel the need
to be constantly dissing me !
it really blocks the flow of things
but seriously you think i can counsel him
while maintaining a romance ? !
far out
guy no 1 and guy no 3
already had a handle on their emotions
course no worries now
that guy no 2
is dating an actual therapist !
especially at the beginning in the dating stage
people can date as many people as they like
in a world of octopuses
guy number 3 found a meaningful treasure for me
my ability to tolerate my emotions is growing
n the Trixy and i held our noses and jumped
n yeah I went to sex addicts anonymous for stuff like that
its difficult sometimes to personalise sex
its like trying to personalise food !
an act of pleasure that is not always linked to the heart
burlesque embellishment
the wishbone said
that i cant have guy no 1
because of his most recent ex
ornate , flourish, tendril , baroque , curl
Portugal
ive got one foot in the other world
where my mother is
and we trudge on
through the mountains and valleys of love
im going in the opposite trajectory to my boyfriend
its all personality for me
lets pretend its working for us
shape shifter, running man, grit or sand ?
and they all scrolled over
n one fell out
Friday, 25 September 2020
260920
doing a PIP form has left me feeling exposed
almost like having to strip off actually
what my mother would call strip jack naked
and I dont think she was talking about actual physical clothes
she said its something the police do
its like someone has taken away the skin or something
and I havent even been interviewed by them yet !
almost like having to strip off actually
what my mother would call strip jack naked
and I dont think she was talking about actual physical clothes
she said its something the police do
its like someone has taken away the skin or something
and I havent even been interviewed by them yet !
Thursday, 24 September 2020
Wednesday, 23 September 2020
Tuesday, 22 September 2020
Monday, 21 September 2020
Sunday, 20 September 2020
Saturday, 19 September 2020
200920
I can relate to how you were with this , I do it as well
if I dont watch it
I think the thing for me is there should be alot else going on
besides my relationship
especially catching up with friends and seeking support
which are not easy things to do
so that you're almost moving in the opposite direction
from the person you are in a ' relationship ' with
word jam : old scratched vinyl
stones or feathers
celebrity endorsements ?
in the attic
an old scratched vinyl
Running Bear
dilated pupils , a fresh new world
full of fun and surprises
full of wonder
sometimes there are very special night birdies around here
that sound like tropical birds
not bats or owls !
a play ground of role play
emotionally a bit choppy
vintage toy puppet theatre with red velvet curtains
and a Ghost Castle from the 70s
my sparring partner is on the offensive today
with actors outside and posts made by solicitors
nope, all the switch doctors work again
sorry , feeling vulnerable today
she thinks its funny
apparently I'm supposed to be some kind of a bed bound zombie !
might spoil my e fred
last couple of days
2 clockwork clocks
and my clockwork watch have stopped working
a portent of something i don't know what
self harm comes from a feeling of numbness
as we communicate with our phones
and not sure i appreciate the straw man technique !
were i to commit to guy no 2
he would immediately get bored within a nano second
and then the cam girls chorus would put on a special
although i do have actual work business to discuss with him
due to an organisation we have been in
and actually there are some other exes
with whom i need to share intelligence
n he and 1 are carrying on in secret
like she did , he told her it was just a fun thing
nothing serious
its important we dont flirt in public though
or let on what is happening
because of what his ex is going through
n well we had the next dance i guess
the earth opened up
n something hit me from the core
like an alien daemon
maybe this thing will burn itself out
like even the brightest star
smashing up my glass soul
with a sledge hammer
n this is not weak
tearing through my conditionings
ripping it all up
leaving a blank slate
to learn this new soul
we just fell into each other
it wasnt possible to stop
after swimming bouncy and renewed
with fairy lights of orange purple and pink
Friday, 18 September 2020
Thursday, 17 September 2020
Wednesday, 16 September 2020
Tuesday, 15 September 2020
Monday, 14 September 2020
140920
k so the plot thickens
because guy no 1 needs to accept
that i have ' business ' to discuss now and then
with guy no 2 who is my ex
not unfinished business relationship wise
but actual business
to do with organisations we have participated in
much like you might have to communicate
with your childrens father
and actually there are some other exes
with whom i need to share intelligence occasionally
where other peoples safety is concerned
Saturday, 12 September 2020
130920
she says she couldnt be friends with me now
after whats happened
and doesnt want me at the party
n me and him are carrying on in secret
like she did , he told her it was just a fun thing
nothing serious
but i dont know if she is a man or a woman
and a trusted source says there is nothing between them
its important we dont flirt in public though
or let on what is happening
because it would be unacceptable
considering what she is going through at the moment
n well we had the next dance i guess
she might not want me there
but ive been invited
the earth opened up
n something hit me from the core
like an alien daemon
maybe this thing will burn itself out
like even the brightest star
smashing up my glass soul
with a sledge hammer
n this is not weak
tearing through my conditionings
ripping it all up
leaving a blank slate
to learn this new soul
we just fell into each other
it wasnt possible to stop
Friday, 11 September 2020
word jam : not be a machine
the golden switch
what brings you warmth
guy no 1 keeps telling me im posh
and im getting a bit sick of it ...
im one of the illests
and currently barely able to function
this has all been orchestrated
by the golden switch
during the small hours
guy number one already knows how
to diversify his investments
although he is not long out of a real life relationship
with someone from our social circles
might need more time on that one
i think guy no 2 is emotionally dependent
on his cam girl
in spite of being great at business !
k so to muddy things a bit
there is guy no 1
and guy no 2 who is my ex
guy no 1 actually gets me to ' open up '
more than he opens up himself
which makes me naive
lockdown is a living death
my ex boyfriend has organised a financial review for me !
as a way to bring us closer ...
strip jack naked
with all my weakness exposed
its like being in a war
where you are reduced to the absolute basics
just surviving from one moment to the other
waiting for the bomb to drop
the thing with the painting
is I put everything into it
trying to go forwards
and now I'm pulled in 2 directions
Avalon or the Egyptian otherworlds ?
Mag Mell the plain of delight
think i have been there
portugal ?
writing, quill, feather,
pelted with stones ,
overwhelmed , this brown envelope seems very timely
as a punishment ,
reminding me that im scum
I feel like I'm being coerced actually
about something else going on in my life
I dont think people realise
what is going on with the occult at the moment
its gathered force on the internet
and forms a powerful sea
with choppy waves
and tidal waves,
tsunamis and the like
especially how it affects peoples relationships
the moon sits in an icy glass lake
streaked like a fish bone
a doorway to the mystical
floating in space
all bitterness gone
ive opened out another cave
an area of tension
blasted to smithereens
why do people not do this ? !
and what a mess
do we even like each other
from different camps
if you look at it that way
one of the alternative buoys
thats close to his heart
im thrashing about like a fish
arching my back
high tensile strength
round and round
like pulled out on a rack
like an elastic band
the balloon swells and pops
bang
and all light pouring out
and sparkling glitter everywhere
Thursday, 10 September 2020
Wednesday, 9 September 2020
Tuesday, 8 September 2020
Monday, 7 September 2020
070920
Avalon or Egyptian otherworlds ?
Irish otherworlds , Mag Mell, Emain Ablach
the plain of delight
portugal ?
housing association , Van Gogh
writing, quill, feather,
pelted with stones , overwhelmed , this brown envelope seems very timely
as a punishment ,
reminding me that im scum
thats one way to shoot !
Avalon or Egyptian otherworlds ?
Irish otherworlds , Mag Mell, Emain Ablach
the plain of delight
portugal ?
housing association , Van Gogh
writing, quill, feather,
pelted with stones , overwhelmed , this brown envelope seems very timely
as a punishment ,
reminding me that im scum
thats one way to shoot !
070920
I feel like I'm being coerced actually
about something else going on in my life
but they have given me until the end of this month
which is something
I got through to Harc where I got my previous adviser
and the receptionist has put things in motion
I may have to phone DWP at some point to ask for more time
having this review will completely take over for several months
I wont be able to paint is one thing
while I'm having to spend all the time focusing on whats wrong with me
and with the lockdown going on I'm fearful for my mental health
I feel like I'm being coerced actually
about something else going on in my life
but they have given me until the end of this month
which is something
I got through to Harc where I got my previous adviser
and the receptionist has put things in motion
I may have to phone DWP at some point to ask for more time
having this review will completely take over for several months
I wont be able to paint is one thing
while I'm having to spend all the time focusing on whats wrong with me
and with the lockdown going on I'm fearful for my mental health
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