3.16am 

SOMEONE HAS JUST LOGGED OUT OF HERE 

4.57am 

i did experience some of that killer emotion 

for longer than i anticipated 






2.04am 

thankyou Scary im not sure i have any confidence today 

i mean i might be a bit naff today 

all fingers n thumbs 


i mean i feel a bit damage and stuff 





************

3.20am 

i decided to disrupt that one 
cus i start off enjoying myself ... um alot 
and then it veers off into some kind of expectation thing 

tha i need to break the habit 

an also joseph fritzle is assaulting me with chemical gas too 

in fact i should maybe cut the time in half 

unless there is some particular reason 


*************

3.46

my negatives have hollow empty eyes 

they are saying that you welcome giving the gnostic film to cashew 

and that my family with claim my body 

an is painful to exist 

like to tear open my own flesh and let you 
see my wound and to gulp with fear 
at the sheer nothingness of me 

just a bag of bones that is willing to receive 

that stuff about you moving house 
struck me awesomely why 
that particularly 

a real person telling me about himself 
the sheer magnificence of our
gruesome flaws 





*****************

thing about self depreciation is it goes a long 
way to make a chilled atmosphere 
tha i feel relax in 

2 undo tha performance ego 

how did i not notice i was thinking 
where is his self depreciation and you already did that 

this is weird how i don't notice 
what i am looking for 





00.39

he would say it smells like a cat has been
in here and indeed there was for i had
evern less vocabulary 
than i do now 


i used to wee in the bin 
at my dads house and i don't 
actually know why that was i must
have felt like i didn't want to leave my room 

nor do i remember feeling wary 
of him it must have been going on underneath 



***********

actually i just spotted your self depreciative 
thing for the first time ... 

is what i was looking for ... 
starting to wonder if anyone had one ... 


**********

an you wonder when to do it 
just sometimes 

*********

John has a self depreciative side 
its not really followed through you know its like a big deal for him 

*********

once you get in the habit it comes natural 

like my crappy clothes that cashew has kindly pointed out to me 
after ogling my birthday suit 

why can't a gorgeous young nymph be satisfied with her 
own dummys rattles and clitoris ... 

his toddler was driving him nuts
swearing and dark thoughts
sleep deprived
anxious and gullible



00.32am 1.04.13. © Lizarikk

white noise from the appliances 
like the loud heartbeat inside the womb 
rocking the sea 

facilitated by the darkness 
nobody comes to hear my cries 
an i lie there with my pain all alone screaming 
nobody takes away my pain 

it shatters the crystal tourmaline 
of night in the flickering 
candle light licking up the bed 

clutching my heart i reach for a blanket 
that wraps me like the crib 
that holds me in its song as i howl 
for a mother long since dead 

00.00   1.04.13. 

chemical assault very violent  



MAYDAY MAYDAY JOHN IS TRYING TO SMUGGLE 





compaid
01 May 2013 12:14am
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0
Road tax on 4 wheel mobility scooters next. IDS has plans.

SadieStairwell

30 April 2013 11:58pm

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0

Is that the breaking dawn shining a light on his shite policies and giving him, or rather his role, a terminal turn? Hope so


YOU ARE A VIOLENT THUG LEWIS GET OFF MY NEIGHBOUSR AND MY MASTURBATION FILMS 

MAYDAY MAYDAY CASHEW IS TRYING TO GET SOMEONE TO SEND HER 

THE GNOSTIC TREE ... IT WILL DESTROY ME 

AND CAUSE A PROFOUND ALTERATION 

PLEASE SOMEONE KEEP HER OFF MY MASTURBATION FILMS 





22.14  

29.04.13. 

i thought maybe we could have one of these 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rK-NnQ0qrlw

in fact if you look at the Trix relationship it wasn't all in child 


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fw4ymI2VMHk

i think maybe i will get a rattle too 
Scarey will you get me a 
rattle too for my 
birfday 



4pm 

Scarey says 
he's going to show me a 
pirrhana and isn't it going to hurt Scarey what if it bites me 

oh exactly the muss is not all about 
being childish ... 

its a doorway to something else cashew 
your too much of a computer nerd
to know what that is 




***********

n not all children are noisy or fast ... 

or so pushy with their presents 

waiting their turn for love and milk 

not hitting the other children 




19.50

****************

18.38

i think cashew might have thrown her rattle out 
of the pram now 




****************


and you're bored so your not really in the feeling 
with me ... i need someone thats either 
a tortoise themself or is a expert 
in tortoises ... 

n i feel deep down that i don't stand a chance
against this violence 



*******************

i mean they delivers the chest infection in order
to give her a chance to get in there 

is why i am saying 



17.36



the emotion has gone 
again they just gave me another 
chest infection and told me that you 
are bored and that cashew is preparing 
somehting for you ... i feel as if I've got to 
hurry up to get there first which is not helping  .... 


and they've got that word ... 

neuromancer

a rich melting pot of voices



14.10

its a shame i can't hear it myself is it possible 

to mix it into a track or something 


****************

an is easy to black out and get pulled 
out by a wave 

n how 2 stay conscious 


14.07

i dunno Scare if i jump in there i might black out 

i was thinkin of familiarisin myself firs 




13.33

what was that word Scarey it was something like 

horseshoe or ox yoke 

irritation , trees 

sever saw  plough 


n i wan that word real bad 


grate


farming tool beginning with s 
acrimony, animosity, annoyance, antagonism, blow up, cat fit, chagrin, choler, conniption, dander, disapprobation, displeasure, distemper, enmity, exasperation, fury, gall, hatred, hissy fit, huff, ill humor, ill temper, impatience, indignation, infuriation, irascibility, ire, irritability, irritation, mad, miff, outrage, passion, peevishness, petulance, pique, rage, rankling, resentment, slow burn, soreness, stew, storm, tantrum, temper, tiff, umbrage, vexation, violence

snit 

Related Words displeased, distressed, disturbed, perturbed, troubled, upset; angered, angry, indignant, inflamed (also enflamed), infuriated, irate, ireful, mad, outraged, rankled, riled, roiled, shirty [chiefly British], sore, steaming; bristly, cross, disapproving, huffy, piqued, resentful; bearish, bilious, cantankerous, choleric, churlish, crabby, cranky, dyspeptic, fretful, fussy, grouchy, grumpy, ill-humored, irascible, irritable, peevish, petulant, snappish, snuffy, testy, touchy; badgered, bedeviled, frustrated, haggled, harassed, harried, hassled, inconvenienced, persecuted, pestered, pinpricked, plagued, provoked, tested, tormented, tortured, tried

*********

might be something they have deleted from the blogs

its what you said to me last summer 

when i didn't know who you were .... its just one word 

i feel its important for us to claim it as 

someone else might be holding it 

and there are various reasons i put it up ... 



i think the fib mithg be harbouring it 

n then it whips its tail back 
into the water 

12.53


that emotion is a totally 
deadly killer n I'm looking down 
at this pirrhana wonderin how am i gonna proach it 

the Portuguese are not Sufis they must 
have semblant gnostic elements is 
where Fox got the moose 

n handwriting totally changed there 


11.05

the feeling mus be in one of the fault lines 
funny i actually didn't know 
that people liked it 

at the end of the earth you are test on your 
ability to stop thinking 

so a relationship that wasn't a muss was where i 
did nt really open up then or what 

tha only stayed on the sexual level 

1054am

intereting trying to produce this feeling 
its not easy to locate it 

like jus saying the words doesnt always go there 
an i gotta find out where that is 

the muss thing is a place of trust 
an surrender 
a tender place that its easily shattered 

and then loses the suprenatural quality 




1045am 

and I'm sitting there with a bunch of social workers then 

all skimping on counselling and supervision 

with a bitch session free for all ... 

and is it worth going there they have lied to us 

about non affiliation 

10.23

and Lou ... really you are the pits 

ask them what they do ... um they don't do anything 

apart from watch films of me you silly old bat 

no wonder you are so hung up on food and fags ... 

they did warn you not to give up the fags cus of your psychosis ... 

in fact you might go on some chlorpromazine or something 

next time i go to that meeting i will be discussing your 

personality disorder  .... 

and the chemicals are horrendous in here i am full of 

virus and chemicals they are murdering me 

because i wont go back to Joseph Fritzle 

and Jewel supports this ... 

and what chance do i have ... and fear is not helpful 
10.08am 

i just started getting into it and then the neighbours 

dog has effected it so its not really coming 

out on tape 

they are trying to boot me out of the way 

because of Cashews child performances 

i am being physically assaulted because of it 

and then i start wo wonder if Scarey prefers the other little 

girl and whether to pack my paddington suitcase 

this is all irrational by the way Scarey early morning 

rambling stuff 




9.59

Scarey im not meaning to barter with you 

it just where its at and sometimes 

feelings will transfer without warning  

it ws interesting with Loz you got me to stop using 

proper names and immediately he was arrested

so my guns do have effect 

and now they've made me take aspirin 

Scarey how will we go deeper with all these people around 

an that was quite a sizeable piece of emotion even 

in spite of the scratches 


30.04.13. 

9.53am 

or if i had more than one thing going on emotionally 

that would put you at risk 

and i have not given expression to that 

***********

and this warning signs thing I'm not sure if its real

do you get that probably you do its like the keyboard cord 

got stuck in the radiator 

and it seems to be saying that my feelings will get stuck 

and be difficult to pull out 

and these signs are not propaganda 

3.23am 

nutkin keeps bombing me relentlessly with germs and chemicals

we need the other half of the world to oppose it 

which usually they wont do because they think 

i am the problem and they want revenge 

for the past and then we go full circle again in one way or another 

2.45am 

she read book tomorrow Scares 

need to get into meditation thing and 

wonder if that fruit played a part maybe get a small bag 

maybe raisins with nutmeg and yogurt 

to get the marshmallow dream thing 

you remember falling off the pavement into another world 



****************


how i get back to where i was is another matter

i don't have a clue 

1.04am 

omg Scarey thats totally awesomes thankyo 

um wondering if i should reduce the episode time 

or whether to get off the bus 

maybe you don't know yet 

an if i see an opportunity to abstain i will grab it by the balls 

cus it makes a big difference 

*****************

n i says to Rowli that if it was the second wirld war 

2 day we would not drop the bomb on 

Hiroshima ... cus we do talk a 

bit better than that an i ask him to look up racist in the 

dicktionary 


00.37

i found  myself wondering whether Fox was a moose 

can't really remember 





***********

Scarey said that thing 
is there to show how much he 
loves me ... n he's going to put words into my mouth 

19.53    3.04.13. 

i gave birth to some tadpoles 

eerie 

rich, shadowy, mysteriously suggestive images

something he's seen in reality and can't get out of his mind

a free spirit

his slightly off-centre world

a marshmallow dream 






 © Lizarikk, All Rights Reserved

************

has cashew got me live again ...

bernard said he was just cutting it out 

and that the glue wouldn't come off 

that is enough abuse for today 

you are not closing that group ...

i am not your unexpected gift maggot you are despised and hated 

and i will rip out your ovaries and fallopian tubes  


what happened was that Scarey went off to do me a street party 

and ogling bernard who is jealous cus i never wanted about 

him phone me to distract me 

and then cashew went in on the gnostic film Scarey what to do 


an actually Scarey has ways of hypnotising things 

so hopefully he can cure me of you you revolting little ogling maggot 

19.00

twitching like a snake charmer 

********

i detected a vein of gossip 


**********


what is that ... omg you are going 
to be a hypnotherapist chair i really am dead now  

http://www.guardian.co.uk/books/2013/apr/29/david-finkling-leaves-random-house

whats this they are thinking of declaring my group a non Alanon group ... 

if thats the case i will go to a different one doh ... 

Scarey is there any point my doing service if they are going to harass me in this way ? 





15.10 

did you know about this 

and why is dr pants aligning herself with a  family of child molesters

this is all about dr pants ... 

could she not take herself to meetings instead of harassing me   

she meanwhile is siting indoors boozing her arse off 

on her benefits in a mould ridden hovel pontificating on other peoples lives

and i just hope that she doesnt have long to live .... 

butwhatif

29 April 2013 3:49pm

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0

Good luck.

But please take care not to expose these impressionable youth to the many anti-social, ill-mannered, conservative councillors that must exist out that way.

cathy blight will you get out of your mildewed hovel and your bottles of booze and take responsibility for your own sex life just for once in your life why are you aligning yourself with child molesters i am sick and tired of you 

oh and who is the aston man when he's at home ... 

and when will he start attending the food programme 

he used to be really hot ... 

and i was abused in her mhuk fellowship where my guru has a lesbian crush on me picks off all  my boyfriends trys to rugby tackle her feet under the table 

wants to move in and marry me and without my knowing that 

i was talking to the fourth gender ... 

ewwwwww .. 

it is really difficult to behave appropriately i must say 

i just can't bear being around her