"dear God please will you take Graham to a better space 

and take away his mood from me 

and let me know when i can and can't help someone. "

Like with Penny i saw her again and i didn't try to help her this time 

which was a big improvement possibly i went a bit too far 

and failed to be polite and responsive enough 

she actually gave me a compliment 

and i failed to respond to it because i was trying to avoid her 

its a bit of a tightrope trying to get that balance 

"and please God help me get that balance with people 

so that i am not either rude or over helpful

and that i can get out of the way when other people are trying to help her 

much better than i can i just need to be more aware 

and to grow in my awareness of people 

so that i can become your instrument isn't it "

291114

- how can i commit to something when i don't know what will happen emotionally 

like committing yourself to the weather

- you do have a lovely personality J. You have a very emotional face 

i could see you as an actor 

- the internet social life on the poetry forums 

trying to guess who each other fancies it became very competitive 

and i felt so much emotion i ended up jumping out of a window 

and being admitted to hospital. 

- i don't see how you can fall in love with a look. 

Surely there has to be a personality 

- dont masturbate before a match - is that why we lost the world cup? 

our lads are a bit lairy 

- i feel I've lost the ability to make love to somebody one-to-one 

271114 Scrabble story with Rob 

hub, thee, sad, zen, do , ox, don, hi, it, revs, iron, geek, hit, jam, ah, waits, foal, ag, 

ace, irony, to, tub, zoo, ace, fe, frog, ribs, lad, lace, knead, tape, nay, si, id, dual, zoon, 

rife, tip, ape, quit, os, om, overt, ee, em, 

Finches Claw extracts

19.49 16.04.13. *****************
the air and light forcing its way upwards
something kicking the lungs like a jet of air pressure like being winded by a gale force
from the stomach so that you're gasping for breath i couldn't even remember that at the time
pains in the
stomach and buckets of sweat
and a cry of pain like a grieved child who has lost herself in the emotion
arching back into a bow
that bends and bends until it snaps
afternoon 12.04.13.

4.25am 11.04.13.




9.04.13. 21.30
*********************
21.02.13.




********************
and you care for me you say
where you study my every twitch and curve of my lip ...
with gawping fascination
and would you survive without me ...
and are you talking to me because you don't sound
like you had all that great a time of it ...
and just wanting to win
i find myself used to spike
your work ... and i am not your pretzel ...

and its my own
problem my own issue
if I've lost myself is that all his fault if i need to recreate a self that never was
and can he ever win
i am challenged
to be real to throw off the baggage of blame
of stereotype
and really see the person
that i call on to save
me from himself
and when you've lost him
in the mist and his
calls echo to the blind
that he teases in their brilliance
and how are you married is he the whip that
runs your motor that orders the night out
of its pit ...
that makes you sing
scream as loud as a skyscraper multi story block will allow ...
let us prey ...
and can he tell
your body what to do
when you stand there with
the ugly parts of you hanging out
and how is he our soul mate ...
he left you there
arguing with yourself and the ghosts of childhood
the pieces of broken
mirror lodged in your heart ... darling ...

© Lizarikk, All Rights Reserved misc draft 9.30am
Friday, 5 April 2013 4.50am
and what are
you to me someone
who seems to know the
right words to unlock the cellars
theres these dungeons down there that
i don't know about and boy are they locked ...
© Lizarikk, All Rights Reserved
you are a symbol
of cuteness
like the worlds biggest pet nurturing his goslings
you hold the planets
in your hands weighing them like juggling balls
mediating their apartheid ...
you trick and tease and torment me
just enough to make me run you frighten me
out of my reverie
i look terrified
like the pet you kicked down the stairs
and went to rescue
and coo over and croon
and you hold me in your arms a most unearthly bliss shaking and sweating
i try to run again ...
only to find
another maze of
hedges I've never been so scared
another three days
fighting you and i will be dead and you will make boxes of straw for my babies and forget
how much i adored you
were a symbol of something ... a big buzzing evil saint
that screams my nerves
and rubs me up the wrong way till the world spins upside down and my guts are knotted inside out wrapped around your arm where you
toy with my soul like a canvas ...

© Lizarikk, All Rights Reserved misc draft 9.30am
************************** 5.04.13.


2.57am 4.04.13.
**********************************************************************************************************************************************

5pm 3.04.13.


5pm 3.04.13.
Scarey is looking after Friz seal Grace
we're not sure if Jewel wants him back or not ....
**************
Scarey also swalloed some tadpoles and is making a monkey i think he said


**************
an is worth the risk
cus who knows what you're gonna do ...
*************
no I don't want my spirit to die
what wouldn't i give to see you ...
just toast and beans in a cafe
and your hand ... to hear your voice ... does it have dark hairs on it
just to pass out in your eyes and then they can call the pigs
and take me away ...

© Lizarikk, All Rights Reserved
22.37 20.03.13
the moon a glutinous milky haze theres that pain in the shoulder again
that star just shot me
*******************
20.03.13. 14.05
I was in a coma after that one and I didn't even realise ...
like buried under the rubble
19.06 19.03.13.
why is that different
like your whole
body is being ripped apart
like electrocuted ... I don't know
what the ingredient is ... and so tender
that you wince and smart and whistle and the cars
are going right through me ... and all in your tutu and stuff ...

© Lizarikk, All Rights Reserved
00.21
like all the nerves
are lit up like fibre optics
how the sound of your name would thrill me echoing
off the shadow
dangerous ...
that was it ...
frightening like the
first one ... ripping its way up the spine ...
© Lizarikk, All Rights Reserved
21.48
sort of like
a meditation and
really making alot of love in there ...
an you be amaze what you can find in that box
of surprise ...
so I closes
my I's and gets
the cream ... you know
cus while you suckle it you
get to really explore the feelings an
all this peace wraps you up like a hazy womb ...
**********************************************************************************************************************and i bit
back at the thing
that was prodding me so rudely
poking around inside
my ribs need to dust my feathers down I really didnt do that did i
side sliping
caterpillar tracks
my wheels skidding against the wet curb trying to veer away from the oncoming pile up
making a petrol bomb
the steering
wheel screeches as I drive straight through the reinforced glass
cranky ... often causes gritting of teeth, assholeyness, destruction, inability to pay bills, romantic relationships
with ones aids infected cousin, and finally complete retardation
***************************


16.03.13. 21.38 *****************************
13.50 12.03.13.
my limbs are all puffy and swollen now you know and they're all jumping
up and down like they've
scored ...
the trust ...
the pain
came back
but not the sharp
light it was like a knife
in your cutty splitting your
spine ... and how happy he looked ...
******************
hitting back
i kept on pummelling
and pounding drubbing
a sucker punch roundhouse
delivered with a wide swing battering
the whip ... kicking back in self defense ...
the fight went on for hours a relentless cold war ... ending with an uprising of civil disobedience storming the armed guard ... enough
let me die ... he kicked a pastry
cook in the groin his head was sawn off and fixed on a pike ...
00.15 10.03.13. © Lizarikk, All Rights Reserved
blushed hair ...
a killer sore throat
could be a bit
of a problem
if that thing jumps on me
drunks on me
if that drunk drinks in me
if that problem drugs out of nowhere then it could be a bit of a driblem
if that droblem dribbles on me *************
5.30pm 2.03.13.
2.59am 1.03.13.



*************************
a crane jerks the noose upward powered by a treadwheel
while you cling to the ladder
pitched forward
and winded
gobbling fizzy sherbert
dial m for emotion too much hairspray ...
he would gently shake your hips as part of foreplay
like playing with a child
excitement creeping
up your feet like a horror
your kidneys somewhat removed
those smokey eyes a fine collab for me
it was all beaten black and blue
misc draft © Lizarikk, All Rights Reserved 15-20 Feb 2013
like i said
you're not in Miami mate ...
you let Chuck write your thoughts
for you again
i watched him do it hoping you'd see ...

nobody really knew
if Scarey was wrong n maybe that was barking up the wrong tree

***************
all they know is that something happened that night ...
2315
n is a mystery to everyone is he was wrong ...
***************
they wanted reprisal for a dead baby ...
1833 051113
n he punishde her vey bad
0434
n Scarey why not carry
on our relationship as a literary collab like that stuff about our
childhood you din respond to much ...
n yeah i know what is like when someone splits with you n doesnt say anything ...

Finches Claw extracts

and your body being shaped by the experience the sharp edges chipped away
(half asleep an dreaming)
like you've died and have come back to haunt the place
from a different
plane just not really all there
like as if you're behind the bushes watching people or something
******************
i think its coming back to me now there was like an explosion of emotion in my chest
with the light and quite traumatising and then thinking yours fine
when you are not
like you do
like as if there
was a nuclear holocaust
an you're sort of singing along
the road with your back all burned
as if everything was fine ...
pretty much out of it all day a lovely helpless sensation
an there was that feeling of two wolves clawing all over
each other
i did get flames
of light an a slight boner
3.06.13. © Lizarikk, All Rights Reserved ***********************



they promised her afterwards a blanket food and a television
I don't recommend that
it was very unpleasant indeed
a sacred jellyfish as yet untouched
the subject of whispers
a terror suspect was detained without trial or warning
i experienced yours
there were wild cats screeching
it was a tough climb

14.18 30.05.13.


20.52 22.05.13.
*******************************
my heart is kind of doubled up with cramp
lanced blowtorched skin
n all these robot actresses keep on trying to poke you ...
being hurled over a mountain of trash
the wind whining round it in great searing spirals
stabbing a nasty
giant boil all blistering sore and lacerated

© Lizarikk, All Rights Reserved 11-16 May 2013
16.05.13.
musskiss
n then he came into my room and said he was going to teach
me something
an i didn't know what he was doing ...
Im going to stop you though half way between lurching and
biting ... like do you
think we might
be rushing things ...
music
an i dont remember doing anything particularly strenuous did i ...
n my lips are swollen and peeling again like they are going numb from
radiation
mucis
and the same food tastes completely different
yeah and i just feel
like bound and gagged like
im not allowed to express how i feel ... ...

© Lizarikk, All Rights Reserved
you know an if we was just allow to be on our own
an i don't want them to have my birdsong see n i was singing to Scarey like a bir
an i can't remember is now
an i warbled like an alien chile n i was all gooey
you know and i feel like Scarey is really there for me like i could turn to him with any problem
including this one ...
cus i really want what we had
11.01am
an the thing about
Scarey is how i feel afterwards
is more poetic and my pictures actually look more alien see
13.05.13.
oh they were nigh birds ...
an i dreamed i was recording these birds from another planet
my heart still
fitting an i thought about how he felt
and then i was like
adrift with malaria ... delirious
and the boat cocking and stuff ... and
you actually smelled vomit as you wee thrown
under again by another wave ... and they are still going off
couple of hours later theers another explosion in the basement and one on the first floor ... and
you're like crawling to get out ... n
this energy shoots up like a
hydraulic jet ... phaser pulse rifle
that ripped me open like my chest was torn and a
bluish light with white sparks
like my guts had been lazered out tazered
an now i feel very sick .. .
a fire in the cellar
the hot wind exploded in the lung
causing vertigo and loss of balance turning circles in the air i jumped round
trying to make a get away
like as boiling water poured into the fuse box

© Lizarikk, All Rights Reserved
isn't that going to hurt what if it kills me Scarey
that place with the vultures an the deserted beach and stuff isn't
it and all seaweed there
and the menacing sky
***************
yeah some of it could look dull if you are emotionally desensitised ...
i actually have amnesia about that one ... you know it took me somewhere
... hey it took me somewhere
that I'm afraid to look at its jus so beautiful it breaks my heart
to look at it ...
like the piranha it hurts ... an its gonna kill me
so thanks for the complaint
without which i might not have gone ...
an there are other people i like nearly as much
and could be happy with
you know an there is a place that is beyond music or pictures
or anything
00.52 7.05.13.
why Scarey
because he's like a parent
and a child rolled into one ... tha
is very advanced in emotions an can
show me things ... is good at making links
an mediating and stuff its like emotionally Im
getting alot more from him than i would get elsewhere
an cus i love him more than anyone else
********************
his toddler was driving him nuts swearing and dark thoughts sleep deprived
anxious and gullible
00.32am 1.04.13. © Lizarikk
white noise from the appliances
like the loud heartbeat inside the womb rocking the sea
facilitated by the darkness
nobody comes to hear my cries
an i lie there with my pain all alone screaming nobody takes away my pain
it shatters the crystal tourmaline of night in the flickering
candle light licking up the bed


clutching my heart i reach for a blanket that wraps me like the crib
that holds me in its song as i howl
for a mother long since dead
********************************
Sunday, 28 April 2013
the glug of hunger
the raw stubble of a soul
that ploughs in deep roughing up the thigh a world that is flawed and absurd
creation fell into a corrupt state
the chain of suffering and imperfection
the shock of an unusual and blasphemous explanation an infant bonding with a stem
turning into leaves
the resin of dark wood
the howl of a strangled puppy
emanating from a branch like a pool of molten glass
misc draft 28.04.13. 18.30




25.04.13. 8.30pm misc draft
my head feels
like a trampoline
with the notes bouncing
on it slowly like a skin ... and
suddenly weightless floating in slow
motion ... like you do like that piece of
shrapnel moving slowly past the sun ... and
then i seem to turn into an amplifier like a echo chamber
just a boom box for the sex hop wah wah that is not music the pelt is my inside out organs expose glistening to receive the sounds gurgling glugging sounds
from an alien place ... my heart curdled
like it scrunched up an all my innards crunched ... your dirty filthy ...
an yeah the
sky is celebrating
the crown jewels are in
a cabinet in emergency break glass an
the river of love flows on through the light storm


chords that bubble and swell
viscous loops
anthemic wordless conch
that swells my heart bending the air the music speaks
like the words of cats
looking into its eyes
it purrs and rolls on its back
it howls for me and runs away when i chase it
bending my thoughts
talkin just to me
makin love to ma mind running its fingers through my hair round my achin head ...
planting little kisses
on the crown
tracing my skull
strangled loops reedy croon pulling at the tides
how it pours slinky
into a glass
smooth rich heavy honey oozing over the top
24.04.13. © Lizarikk, All Rights Reserved misc draft
and the sky is bright white
squeezing the heart muscles like an accordion
pushing the buttons
11am misc draft
smokey smooch
vampire organs pulling the heart strings
i glug it down

great gulps of music down the gullet
that sings my heat
24.04.13.
Wednesday, 10 April 2013
love smashing into itself
that was one
of those car crash things
you know where you are thrown out
of your seat the floor kicks you into the windscreen
© Lizarikk, All Rights Reserved 00.59 11.04.13.
Wednesday, 10 April 2013
love smashing into itself
that was one
of those car crash things
you know where you are thrown out
of your seat the floor kicks you into the windscreen
© Lizarikk, All Rights Reserved
00.59 11.04.13.
bit of a crab thing too like your sitting on something in the water trying to
dig it out of the sand
and then blasted out of the water
and it keeps biting you or maybe a lobster
pinching thing
so theres is
cobra , fire breath .. .


and now crab, impact, crash and crunch
are different types of orgasm and that light trance maybe a jelly orgasm , fever, coma ,
******************
well anyway lets call that a hallucinogenic orgasm I'm surprised there are not more names
to look up ...
and then theres the balloon type
where you are like Jewel said a balloon that doesnt go down !
you know sometimes you just sort of hang there
like as if you are just turned into spirit
and gas just floating with your arms like of wobbling in the air
and i feel the helium and hydrogen coming back in now boing
you know and to feel you putting your feelings in me like that
is the best way to get them
the grip of love that locks on to love and makes a binge of love
a greedy pawing love selfish hunger
that licks the spoon and sucks on
love and rolls it round the tongue squeezing
its own love ... all over the lovely stick of love ...
yum spilling over
and then all this love builds up in the bottle neck
violent redox
© Lizarikk, All Rights Reserved

22.04.13. 00.48am


*******************
he didn't talk gaelic to you no he did me though
looking right down inside you ... a sharp intake of breath contraction rings
similar streaks in the eyes of a man he was treating for a broken leg
and the eyes of an owl
there were
some flashing lights there and a
cutting feeling ... and then my mum phoned ...
the music is dribbling down the walls like monster play slime

i don't even really want to think about that or to think about thinking about it
then again if i was to not
think about it ...
can you call
off your dog please
Im trying to get the maggots off my crutch
and I can smell the fear in your nose ...
17-20 April 2013 © Lizarikk, All Rights Reserved
Scareys music meltdown
separation, calculation, trepidation, jubilation
a film without music can't ever be scary
And maybe I'll play a song that gets you, that you get, that is yours
he started throwing himself around the room in a furious, jumpy dance
what I do to sabotage
he played it again and again and again
that aarrrrrggggh noise makes me feel brilliant I'm a firestarter
unguhhhhh ungggggg
16-17 April 2013
Scarys music simmer
16-17 April 2013

whacked up the volume... But I had to stop listening gulping sobs on the 159 are OK
but not if you're out of tissues
and have to use an empty Tangfastics packet
to mop your snot
an instant joy kick for me
a rush of adrenaline and fight-f**k energy makes me wanna drive my car into a brick wall you became a part of me a part of me
gorgeous
i couldn't quite accept it
i took the song and hugged it close
mixed up with that music it moulded itself around me i understood the language and i sang back to it
that unravelled my feeling unravelled
my feeling ...
grimey tracks
crackling like that burning oil
on the wrapper the smoke hitting me in
the stomach ... if you don't wanna party don't bother ...
00.39am 17.04.13.


and since when are pop
stars not shagging their teenage fans and groupies ...
bit of a hornet that one ...

compiling Finches Claw

Sunday, 7 April 2013
Wednesday, 6 March 2013
00.08
she died peacefully in my sleep 
Ive killed her her laughter 
clattering against the mirror 
reflecting the insanity of her shattered mind 
Sunday, 7 April 2013

the traffic light is red .... 
she died peacefully in my sleep 
the chiromance was wrong 
elysian paralysis  
Ive killed her her laughter 
clattering against the mirror 
reflecting the insanity of her shattered mind 

Tuesday, 9 April 2013
22.43  misc draft 
self conscious 
and then you get 
caught up on ego and superego ... 

jazzy cringe 

actually an old flame 
made a surprise guest appearance 
there ... probably i will tell 
you in a few months ... 

***********

id like to be able to 
really enjoy myself Scarey
the way you do seem really blissful 
in your own skin ... 

blissful in your own skin 
blissful in your own skin  

********

something else to 
do for charity perhaps 

*********

operation budgerigar ... 
anyone help me out there .... 

all that valuable stuff going to waste .... 

**************

I've cricked my neck 

*********

and i feel 
like a little girl 
in your arms your precious child ... 




© Lizarikk, All Rights Reserved


Tuesday, 9 April 2013

yous are not welcome to watch the bag lady having a wank
my feelings don't trust me they think 
they want to perform 
stuck in a rut 
it snagged my ego 

actually the emotional 
connection was good there 
in spite of being assaulted by a 
flatmate jeering and jerking making frying fumes 
on purpose ... i don't really want to live here any more ... 

he's just so beautiful with horrendous 
adult child issues 

the impact is like 
something kicks you from 
behind from the coccyx with such 
force you find yourself trying to resist 
the blow while at the same time craving the ecstasy 

i don't think you can beat Scareys kiss its like 
having a catfish in your mouth ... 

hissing sea evil crazy 



8-9 April 2013    © Lizarikk, All Rights Reserved

Tuesday, 9 April 2013

sacred fool beyon the why 
hunger strikes more painfully 
giving more gores

severe military fever 

she cut off her ear and hung it 
from the other one 

lampooned 
she dances herself 
into a rhythmic frenzy 

demonic visions
threw her from a bridge
into the asylum 

her mind rotted 
the train was full of 
dynamite and it really was 
she wanked herself into a depression 

hallucinatory insanity, persecution mania
recovery no longer to be expected
she died of smallpox and consumption 

there was too much cross talk 
at the meeting  

the occult is not insanity 
except where is includes blood lust and virgins
witch religion is that 

you are only insane if you are convicted
for your irrational convictions 



23.20  9.04.13.

Tuesday, 9 April 2013
God died and was born again as the son of Jesus

and of course he has a sister 

*************

Scarey what to do about Gods sister .... 



9-10 April 2013 

there are cracks in the wall .... they 
don't mean anything

chews lip 

people might think I'm gay .... 

eats finger  

chews finger off  

Tuesday, 9 April 2013
00.20

omg hey that road right ... 

is somewehre i don't want to talk about ha ha 


***********

adult child Scare ... of dysfunctional/addicted parent 

sees present through lens of past 

feels ignored 

usually undervalued but you seem to 
have sorted that bit yourself  

***********

im so sorry your stepfather thought 

you were lying Scarey thats really terrible 

sometimes that hurts more than the thing 

************

00.37

hang on a minute my ex husband 

is delivering a chemical assault via the neighbours and i gotta do something about it .... 

he's from the military you know 
he thinks that equipment is there for him 
to gun down all his ex partners and make them break the law and stuff 

*************

the only good thing Scarey was you had a strong 
spirit to know that it was wrong 
what the boy was doing 


************

that uncle of yours is a bit of a mixed 
bag isn't he i feel sure he did something 
to sort out the first man you know the priest ... 

************

ok ill tell you what happened in that road you mentioned right 

now this is very difficult for me 
but i had my one and only crush on a girl ... 

can you imagine me having a crush on a girl ... 
why that girl should be the only person to inspire me in that 

way i still know her actually 
i think cus my mum had just died 

otherwise I've been as straight as um 
as straight as a young stag or something 


cashew ... will you stop hacking in and altering stuff thankyou ... you are not welcome to watch films of me either ... please use your own material ... if you want to buy something please contact lucie.xxxxx@gmail.com

Tuesday, 9 April 2013


*********

time warp 
wavy hazy wobbly lines on the telly 


00.48

picking a bone 

messing the carpet 


1.01. am 

Scarey  ... Fritzle Enders and Bookleaf are chemically assaulting me like my 
home is a gas chamber 

Bookleaf is currently president of the whole world 
although she can only think of British security in isolation from everyone else 
and talks right out of her arse 

you know thinks we should not have gone into Iraqu 
and that nut kin is a nutcase 

and then is right up his arse when it comes to preserving her community cohesion plans 



**********
you know i can't actually concentrate properly with this much poison in the air 

which is the whole idea i guess 


***********

we might be vegetarian Scarey but are we cannibals 

well i am not actually but i like try to go that way 

Scarey have you ever eaten a whole human 


***********

this ego thing i haven't seen it 
for a while you know its like suddenly you 
see yourself from the outside and think hey people are looking at me 

one of the advantages is a mental illness where you don't 
see that for like years and years are just totally 
on the inside with feeling things 

and you Scarey are very inside with your feelings 
which is good ... very strong spirit 

and then someone says hey 
those are great feelings all suddenly you go all geraldine hat ha ha 

one reason i don't read all that much stuff ... 





Tuesday, 9 April 2013

I jus want to cuddle you so much 
it really hurts 

2.52am 



*************



actually one way is to shut up isn't it Scare ....  
its like also I've got this emotional bank account that is 
well stocked from being so withdrawn ... 

and if i take it out and spend it runs out ... 
and then you get the cave thing 
crab thing i have to be hidden away 

2.25am 

Scarey you know Chuck is trying to find 
a local person to chat me up and jump me right ... 

like if I'm in a certain type of mood i might think well this is real 
and maybe its better this way ... 

you get me ... Scarey can you explain this ego thing does that 
bother you if you get self conscious in a positive way that actually spoils your feelings ... 

oh yes you said so ... 


Tuesday, 9 April 2013
2.46am 

and then we got Grace and Delilah to sort out ... 
can you thank Jewel for the feedback for me Scarey 
I'm working through it with her in not easy stages and thanks 
for looking after him ... you wanna keep Delilah for a bit i think 
don't you which is ok ... they said you could mend him a bit first ...