290818 / 300818

this is not real 
and it never happened 

but i can't resist the intrigue 

anyway who wants the girl 
with a drug addict for a brother 


a suicide mother 
n various dribbling friends 

let me have my fun 

280818

n its not funny 

then again ... 

but i decided 
no more secret relationships 

270818

or am i still in love with the Trixy ? 
his partner is trying to befriend me 
on my email loop 
and its triggering my feelings for him a bit 

the Trixy was my c - twin 
and boy did we hurt each other 

270818

maybe I'm just enchanted with his fame
that gives me this kick

260818 

not sure i really know what I'm doing 

well she loves people as well thankyou 

but she seems to have gone off sex 
maybe because of her age 

250818 

she does not see 
how you can have privacy 
what with all those satellite dishes up there ... 

240818 

the ill people 
think I'm well 
and the well people 
think I'm ill 

220818 

theres a cogwheel missing 

i try to record the dog 
and it stops barking ! 
how could it possibly know ? 

210818 

im insecure 
so i lash out 

the footage 
didnt show our faces 

im unacceptable 

200818 

im jealous and manipulative 
i seem to blow it 
unreasonable 
when i expect my man to mother me 

n then I'm play acting 
just to get attention 

when people get close to me 
they find someone 
who doesnt really want to be here 
in my heart of hearts 

190818 

nobody can handle my feelings 
a monkey deprived of its mother 
has to cling to something 
even made of wire 

i harass people 
and terrorise them 
to feel close to you 
and then to lose you 
i couldn't bear it 

180818

like an animal struggling to breathe

then I'm walking down the road 

with my head down looking shifty

a real dodgy character
feeling disconnected , 

invincible and alienated

160818

you havent used your ovaries ! 
you are but half a woman 
what about your hormones ! 

i am worthless 
set in preservative 

150818

the fib are altering things 
in my mail box and email groups 
some of them have joined the email group 

110818 / 120818 

i want to join my mummy in heaven 

there is a big lump of pain right here 
and all over my chest

and all the tears i havent cried 
the pain just locked up inside 

100818 / 110818 

i thought you'd understand 
this feeling of loss 
that you want to join him  
you know ... to be in the astral plane 
not literally ! 

send my love to him 
via that star 

trying not to flirt 
gunshot blasting through the wall 
clashing of swords 

080818

the fib are hacking my gmail and yahoo mail accounts 
to stop me communicating with my sponsor 

and have made inroads to my online support groups 
infiltrating them with mocking sarcastic posts 

080818 

he's on a drug fuelled bender
and now its made me paranoid 
triggering flashbacks 
of being off the rails ...

my angry paranoid moods 

270818 - 080818 

its all gone horribly wrong 
this diluted life 
a breath of fresh air 
in a robotic world 

a crazed mental patient 
testing my sanity 
I've slipped 
he hasn't called 
i can't sleep, i feel so hungry 
if you don't reply to me this evening 
I'm going elsewhere 

i feel hurt and angry and rejected 
resentful, isolated, neglected

what am i an alcoholic psychiatric patient ? 
i don't seem to fit in 

maybe if i wore something less attractive 
its hardly sexually provocative 
hes not going to give up without a fight 

050818 / 060818 

i only send messages
by pigeon carrier 

i feel hurt and angry and rejected