310120 

awake and asleep 
at the same time 

maybe if we're both being flash mobbed 
it might explain 
why he hasn't contacted me 

310120 

theres a gift of stars for me somewhere 
some of them can only be seen 
when you look away 

is funny and relaxed and flirty in a humorous way
I feel as if we have ' chemistry '
I also think I have met him before online
in 2008 and 2011, and that he had a famous partner
who he has now left

I think he is a very loving and affectionate person
with a big open heart
and I could do with some of that !

there is a bit of a question mark
about his being 10 years younger 

 a handful ? as in I feel alot older than him 

but would still go for coffee as a friend ! 

not smooth 

310120 

receiving love 
is like sunshine warming you
on a cold day 
sinking into your skin 

penetrating through to your heart 

280120 

four dimensional wooden things 
with a grainy texture 

280120 

sounds of geese flying overhead 
i can hear the spirits again 

280120


solo curious


to be honest some of my best experiences in life
have been on my own
I think no performance issues
no expectations, disagreements , resentments

no self consiousness


like also this year a friend offered to come with me
for my paragliding trip
I thought about it and said no
because I didnt want to be thinking
about how I would look from the outside
when I'm trying to concentrate on whats going on inside

270120 

word jam snake flu 
and the next video i made 
comments were disabled on youtube 

wayhey ! 
I'm being free, I'm being myself,  
just glancing over my shoulder 
to see if he approves     

260120 

i fallen in love 
n i all moochy 
n turning a blind eye to things 
he can do no wrong 

word jam : snake flu

I can also recall a strange section 12 attempt 
by the staff all because I disagreed with the Doctor 

I started to question the logic and saw a Cult 
that had previously had me under the illusion 
it was an actual proper science behave like a Cult 
its members were totally brainwashed 

All the Student Doctors worship the head Psychiatrist like a God 

there is no anti-harassment Drug, 
there is no anti-abuse tablet, 
no Mythical Messianic wonder drug 
That fact that no one actually gets well 
but gets trafficked through the service prover 
like a hostage then dump out on the street when used up

unprecedented powers of deep surveillance   

his ex is threatening 
to waterboard him 

the Author 
is scraping the barrel 

my ex is threatening my child 

there is another world 
where we don't compete 
where we rise on the wings 
of each others greatness 

n then she caught snake flu 

they'll say 
our relationship is a threat
to national security 

surely the one who works in mental health 
can't be the same one 
who sees stalkers everywhere ? 

I think animals birds do talk for real 
in body language and sounds 
they tell us about their affection for us 
their joy at being alive 
their fears and sorrows

man arrested over occult attacks on sheep 
allegations of black magic in Zimbabwe
the Vampire star gorging on its brown neighbour 

always apologising for feeling 

zersetzung 

250120 

his ex is threatening 
to waterboard him 

240120 

the Author 
is scraping the barrel 

my ex is threatening my child 

240120 

there is another world 
where we don't compete 
where we rise on the wings 
of each others greatness 

n then she caught snake flu 

240120 

they'll say 
our relationship is a threat
to national security 

230120 

surely the one who works in mental health 
can't be the same one 
who sees stalkers everywhere ? 

230120 

zersetzung 

I think animals birds do talk for real
in body language and sounds
they tell us about their affection for us
their joy at being alive
their fears and sorrows

word jam : dressing up

you know like when you get winded 
by a cricket bat 
that kind of winded 

so does he want me to 
think about him less, 
or to think about him more ? 
n why am i even 
thinking about what he wants ? 

I've built it up in my head 
we have alot in common
maybe we can help each other 

its just so intense 

im in love with a man 
I've never even seen his face

n getting into scraps over him 
with girls I've never met ! 

n pretty sure 
im not the only one 

n yeah who'd a thunk it ! 
thunk, thonk, thud, funk 

we are stardust 
from a billion years ago 
with 20 20 vision 
so we gotta be on the LGBT spectrum 
so that makes me a gay man ! 
and you're a lesbian 

can you steer it ? 

k well to put it another way 
suppose you were invited to a party in real life 
they were all dressing up 
and you were asksed to put on make up and a dress 
would you be a party pooper not to 

sometimes these clues 
are a wild goose chase 

do you want to be 
an internet mole or a nightingale 
a moth or a butterfly ? 

do you like boundaries,  professionals ? 
we're all too damn insecure 

the war of words 
is in its infancy 

do you like secrecy , power , clones ? 

so i took my familiar drug of choice 
oblivion 

am i breathing down his neck ?  

can he match my love 
blow for blow ? 

with internet eyes 

actually the word slut 
suggests there is something attractive about you 

to be able to squander it 
in the first place 

n I've lost track 
of who is who 

so the ex turns up 
and says she hasn't seen him for three months 
and that they were sleeping together 
her heart is broken she says 

a friend of ours 
says there will be consequences 
she has a right to be angry

n what if she's right ? 

180120 

you know like when you get winded 
by a cricket bat 
that kind of winded 

so does he want me to 
think about him less, 
or to think about him more ? 
n why am i even 
thinking about what he wants ? 

150120

I've built it up in my head 
we have alot in common
maybe we can help each other 

its just so intense 

150120 

im in love with a man 
I've never seen
I've never even seen his face

n getting into scraps over him 
with girls I've never met ! 

n pretty sure 
im not the only one 

140120

n yeah who'd a thunk it ! 

thunk, thonk, thud, funk 

140120 

we are stardust 

from a billion years ago 

with 20 20 vision 

so we gotta be on the LGBT spectrum 
so that makes me a gay man ! 

and you're a lesbian 

can you steer it ?  

140120 


k well to put it another way
suppose you were invited to a party in real life
they were all dressing up
and you were asksed to put on make up and a dress


you might be a party pooper not to 

140120 

sometimes these clues 
are a wild goose chase 

do you want to be 
a mole or a nightingale 
a moth or a butterfly ? 

140120 

do you like boundaries,  professionals ? 

we're all too damn insecure 

the war of words 
is in its infancy 

120120 

do you like secrecy , power , clones ? 

120120

so i took my familiar drug of choice 
oblivion 

120120

like someone is breathing down your neck 

110120

he can match my love 
blow for blow 
unfinished business ? 
the rules of dating ? 

110120

with internet eyes 

the fear and the resentment 
the resentment and the fear 

110120 

actually the word slut 
suggests there is something attractive about you 

to be able to squander it 
in the first place 

110120

n I've lost track 
of who is who 

100120 

so the ex turns up 
and says she hasn't seen him for three months 
and that they were sleeping together 
her heart is broken she says 

a friend of ours 
says there will be consequences 

n what if she's right ? 
she has a right to be angry 

word jam : the limerance match

100120 




this passion i feel 
is getting too much
if I'm not careful 
i will injure myself  
i must find a way 
to pull out and stop digging 
n my heart explodes 
i am possessed

n then i keep turning round 
to see if he's impressed
with my detachment 

see how the match is going 
there isn't a match 
there are no players 
and nothing to play for 

limerance  

are English people pretentious ? 

slut shaming 

maybe we're both too insecure 

crossing the line 
was like crossing into an alternate reality 

love makes me feel sick 

love is exhausting 
and more love 
is more exhausting 

maybe the bad spirits 
are not all bad 

so the character i just spoke to 
is my ex ? 

and now my date is annoyed 
when we havent even said we're dating  
let alone a couple ? ! 

assumptions meh   
and I'm not a mind reader ! 

are we waiting for each other 
to show our hand ?   
with so much at stake 
and remembering what happened before    
so painful    

and they have all masks on  

what will i do with his love ? 

if he is just taking some space 
he can have as much space as he likes  

really confused !

need a non critical presence 

its not us 
its the relationship that is smothering us 
the overwhelming feelings 
have led to a shut down 

angel wishes to him 

and then as usually happens with me  
his ex partner turns up 

100120

n then i keep turning round 
to see if he's impressed
with my detachment 

see how the match is going 
there isn't a match 
there are no players 
and nothing to play for 

100120 

this passion i feel 
is getting too much
if I'm not careful 
i will inure myself  
io must find a way 
to pull out and stop digging 
n my heart explodes 
i am possessed

100120

limerance 

and then as usual 
an ex partner turns up 

080120 

are English people pretentious ? 

070120

angel wishes

slut shaming

to publicly humiliate or shame a woman
for engaging in promiscuous or premarital sex

060120

maybe we're both too insecure 

crossing the line 
was like crossing into an alternate reality 

n we're all on the gender spectrum 

060120

love makes me feel sick 

050120 

and still the weather speaks to me 

love is exhausting 
and more love 
is more exhausting 

050120 

maybe there are spirits 
that have good and bad things about them 

040120

so the character i just spoke to 
is my ex ? 

and now my date is annoyed 
when we havent even said we're dating  
let alone a couple ? ! 

assumptions meh   
and I'm not a mind reader ! 

are we waiting for each other 
to show our hand ?   
with so much at stake 
and remembering what happened before    
so painful    

one minute I'm suffocating him  
the next  I'm talking to my ex 
and they all have masks on  

what will you do with my love he says 

040120

I'm still not sure if he and I are friends
or if we are in some sort of a new relationship
he hasn't contacted me since Wednesday
im not sure if I mind that actually

thing is there is someone else here
that I thing might be one of my exes from real life
im not interested in getting back with him
but I'm confused as to whether to reply to him on threads

and keep that as a friendship

am I talking to my ex in front of a new date ?
or if he and I are just friends at this point
then it wouldn't matter if I talk to my ex ?

if he is just taking some space
that is really fine with me
I always want lots of space myself with boyfriends 

he can have as much space as he likes  

really confused !

030120

a non critical presence 

its not us 
its the relationship that is smothering us 
the overwhelming feelings 
have led to a shut down 

030120 

the mouse 
is mightier than the bomb 

020120

youtube made me delete a video  
of a screen recording 
showing someone asking me a question 
and her question not appearing somewhere 
where i could reply to it 

they have not communicated with me  
about the videos that were hacked from my site 
and posted on tiktok 

word jam : the mens revolution

i hear men complaining alot recently 
they feel they are not understood 
they are fed up being made responsible for things 
their feelings are overlooked 
they are fed up being the provider etc. 

and yet they wont seem to get together like women did 
to stand up for their rights 
because i suppose of their tendency 
to be wary of other men 

this is frustrating me 
because i feel i could help them 
to explain what they are going through 
but they need to stick with other men over it 

im vegetarian curious

one way to get high 
is to wait until 
the bread is past its sell by date ! 

I've befriended an evil spirit 
to give me some strength

centrifugal and centripetal forces  

n im in denial 
enmeshment already 

n I'm making assumptions 
after what i told him last night 
n i sent him 3 posts in a row
and we havent even said we're dating ! 

but if i let go 
he might go to someone else 
to someone else   

i want to be single again 
but I'm in love 

i don't want to click another smilie
like George and Mildred 

am i supposed to say goodnight ? 
am i just doing what he wants ? 
am i looking for a parent ? 
being myself ?  

hi this is a bit of an odd way to introduce myself 

but hi I've got my ex on the line 
complaining nobody understands him  
n I'm like what am i supposed to do about it   ? 

listen to the darkness

n then i told him the worst thing i had ever done 

020120 

i was aware of the hacking in 2013
and i freaked out  
i was held down in hospital by 5 nurses 
screaming 

and injected with clopixol 
which caused me lockjaw 
immobilisation and spiritual death 

010120

one way to get high 
is to wait until 
the bread is past its sell by date ! 

I've befriended an evil spirit 
to give me some strength

centrifugal and centripetal forces  

010120

n im in denial 
enmeshment already 

n I'm making assumptions 
after what i told him last night 
n i sent him 3 posts in a row
and we havent even said we're dating ! 

010120

but if i let go 
he might go to someone else 
to someone else   

i want to be single again 
but I'm in love