011120
guy no 5 seems to come out with some phrases
that another friend uses
who is possibly the Author herself
like im going to fly in later
and rain monster
the harpie Nic and cloud clockwork and bisto are not welcome to read my blog or use me in any way , there are thoughts in your own head huns
Saturday 31 October 2020
word jam : he was tortured
the wind came back
after a bovril sandwich
and smelled burnt
which to me means i have bee working hard
theres no flat in my heating
defense , redemption, idealistic ?
greedy , selfish , blackmail
they threated to torture him is how
why is it that ladies wait until i show up
before stepping up the fight ?
and they say you cant rape a man ?
assessing peoples character a great idea ?
hes 29 with dementia ?
hes healthy but hes dying ?
and why wont the services take us seriously ?
but when you look like us love
you have to compensate for it !
really that doesnt make sense
destruction, recycling, repurposing
compost fertilizer horse manure bridle
im feeling free of voodoo tonight !
and if that falls through
they will get the forum staff
to complain about my reports
Author says to guy no 2 shes fed up
of hearing about my relationships with men
so they are now seeking permission
to access photos of me
on a recent trip to the beach
so they can pass them around
every night they are trying to get permission
to take guy no 1
you dont see celebrities masked on telly
I was feeling emotionally cold yesterday
and then some said that people are stealing the warmth
and I thought no their not Ive got my own warmth
and the coldness went away !
apparently im a piece of clay ...
shes like a journalist
always trying to prise you open
if youre travelling away from a clock
the time it takes for the clock face to reach you
is lengthened by the travelling and affects your reading of the time
do i know how this doesnt apply to the travelling twins ?
Einstein was wrong about quantum physics
God does play dice with the universe
do you want something you can have
or something you cant have ?
we were all about chasing the guys !
I went to a girls Schoo and that was our brand of feminism !
he values me ? no that had not occurred to me at all !
I don't think I'm overtly sexual its more subtle
im not after a fling no
not expecting much of anything actually !
I guess I'm still recovering from the bad boy syndrome
addicted to pain and tragedy
it was all sex drugs and rock and roll growing up
and violence
i cackle like the joker
n then a different door opened in my heart
n i tried not to flirt
Friday 30 October 2020
311020
we were all about chasing the guys !
I went to a girls Schoo and that was our brand of feminism !
he values me ? no that had not occurred to me at all !
he values me ? no that had not occurred to me at all !
I don't think I'm overtly sexual its more subtle
im not after a fling no
not expecting much of anything actually !
I guess I'm still recovering from the bad boy syndrome
addicted to pain and tragedy
it was all sex drugs and rock and roll growing up
and violence
im not after a fling no
not expecting much of anything actually !
I guess I'm still recovering from the bad boy syndrome
addicted to pain and tragedy
it was all sex drugs and rock and roll growing up
and violence
Thursday 29 October 2020
Wednesday 28 October 2020
Tuesday 27 October 2020
271020
the guy i had a fling with in 2014 ? i have spoken of this before ... i wasnt in love with him and i told him so. he has a drink problem. he gave me amyl nitrate and my eyesight has never been the same since . he went on to stop me in the street and tell me that everyone else is going in a different direction . and was acting as if we were a couple at a time where i needed some space . i was very ill and on the wrong medication . i broke off all contact with him and have kept it that way because he is trying to stop me getting another relationship. the Author has dug all this up because she wants me for herself
Monday 26 October 2020
Sunday 25 October 2020
Saturday 24 October 2020
word jam : my hip was fractured
i sometimes found that beetroot juice
would start my period
so it would be over by a certain date
then i could meet a particular guy
four hours later
im still talking to the lady who interrupted
and the other party guests have left
n after all that
n dizzy with exhaustion
im told i dont care enough
and just think i have ' answers ' !
she was unmasked with tonsilitis
i was grateful that her germs had touched me
negging
i feel a religious finger pointing at me
constant distractions I guess
would start my period
so it would be over by a certain date
then i could meet a particular guy
four hours later
im still talking to the lady who interrupted
and the other party guests have left
n after all that
n dizzy with exhaustion
im told i dont care enough
and just think i have ' answers ' !
she was unmasked with tonsilitis
i was grateful that her germs had touched me
negging
i feel a religious finger pointing at me
constant distractions I guess
you can fall in love with more than one person
be distracted by other interesting exciting characters
and its difficult to settle with one person
with all this constantly going on
before you know it your feelings are all over the place
plus other people might decide to intervene
if they feel too much interest is developing
and disrupt your conversations
its surprising how much this can alter the course of history
the sexual side may be less intense than in real life
it might be more intense
if absence makes the heart grow fonder
in real life i don't usually talk about my deepest darkest self
n yeah ... actually that has happened to me in real life as well
in real life i don't usually talk about my deepest darkest self
n yeah ... actually that has happened to me in real life as well
in fact I'm not even sure I have the confidence
to claim that someone is ' my boyfriend '
i mean theres bound to be competition
green camp or earth camp
yes I suppose its also a warning
although when you're letting your hair down
you don't always heed warnings isn't it
war , peace, hippy , beads , stereotype
conflict management or tree hugging ?
the walk of shame
gormless and naive
im gullible too
its kind of en vogue these days
i jumped without a parachute
these lawless laws of this cold war
tunnel wormhole burrow obstacle
i suffered life changing injuries during a protest
green camp or earth camp
yes I suppose its also a warning
although when you're letting your hair down
you don't always heed warnings isn't it
war , peace, hippy , beads , stereotype
conflict management or tree hugging ?
the walk of shame
gormless and naive
im gullible too
its kind of en vogue these days
i jumped without a parachute
these lawless laws of this cold war
tunnel wormhole burrow obstacle
i suffered life changing injuries during a protest
Friday 23 October 2020
Thursday 22 October 2020
Wednesday 21 October 2020
221020
I think like people were saying earlier
you can talk about your deepest darkest self on the internet
under a user name
but in real life I usually don't I'm making small talk a lot of the time
which I find is good for my sanity
especially if I have just learned something new
or used the instructions for a piece of machinery that sort of thing
or painting techniques
not my deepest darkest self
Tuesday 20 October 2020
211020
what the internet does to relationships
constant distractions I guess
you can fall in love with more than one person
be distracted by other interesting exciting characters
and its difficult to settle with one person
with all this constantly going on
before you know it your feelings are all over the place
plus other people might decide to intervene
if they feel too much interest is developing
and disrupt your conversations for whatever reason
its surprising how much this can alter the course of history
the sexual side may be less intense than in real life
or it might be more intense
if absence makes the heart grow fonder
Monday 19 October 2020
Sunday 18 October 2020
Saturday 17 October 2020
word jam : the dream state
i phone 12 ?
EYELASH phone 13
the invisible hand
looks highly visible to me !
an itch we are not supposed to scratch
the sound of water reminds me of something
which i cant mention here
and in my younger more adventurous days
there was an episode where I was with a guy doing stuff
and a mutual friend of ours took photos
all in the spirit of fun I assumed
and we had a laugh about it
but she said there is a film of me
that i havent seen !
n she is the most fun person you could possibly imagine
but I know she wouldn't give me that film
it didn't seem cool to ask
maybe thats why I still think people are filming me
n he doesnt need my permission
to go out with friends his own age
maybe i just cant be with anyone
because guy no 2 will start hurting people
n how many of your internet friends
are the authors identity?
k now she is ok she just lost her internet connection ...
k now guy no 2
has kidnapped a young mutual friend
either that or her pets
thing is i dont know ...
i have to see what happens
i havent met you yet
k so guy no 3 found the best meaningful treasure
guy no 1 is best in bed
and guy no 2 knows how to look after my interests
no worries
not if the other person is able to say
that they are feeling shy too !
i am not an axe wielding maniac
i am not a ' split personality '
if youre patient with me
i might be able to work out what to say
I could see when he came round
that the handyman thought I was wierd
and I maybe did look weird because
I had just had to have my financial review
plus one of the neighbours made a vomiting noise
which I wonder is a tradesman code for
' this client is a bit coooked '
resulting in my being asked for payment in advance !
sometimes if you tell someone
or post something
it makes the thing not happen
n yeah I like cooking sometimes
if I'm in the mood but it makes so much mess !
I cry out in the night when I wake up in pain
so I know what you mean
and my movement is jerky
I think the neighbours see me as a bit strange
the dream state or drug like state of psychosis
makes us daydreams and nightmares
to stop our awareness
of painful reality
k more of recent spam actresses outdoors this week
top secret underground carpark
its an axe , how long do you think shes got
just a checkup and you dont have to do it
see what the vet says
n when you go on a thrill seeking ride
you get an orgasm in your chest
Friday 16 October 2020
161020
in my younger more adventurous days
there was an episode where I was with a guy doing stuff
and a mutual friend of ours took photos
all in the spirit of fun I assumed
well I bumped into this friend recently
and we had a laugh about it
and then she said actually I have a film as well
so there is a film of me that I haven't seen !
she is the most fun person you could imagine
but I know she wouldn't give me the film
so I didn't ask her
it didn't seem cool to ask
or to ' drag all that up '
maybe thats why I still think people are filming me sometimes
Wednesday 14 October 2020
Tuesday 13 October 2020
131020
the handyman I contacted about the fence
wants payment in advance for materials !
I could see when he came round
that he thought I was wierd
and I maybe did look weird because
I had just had news of my pip review
plus one of the neighbours made a vomiting noise
which I wonder is a tradesman code for
' this client is a bit cooked '
resulting in my being asked for payment in advance !
Monday 12 October 2020
Saturday 10 October 2020
111020
k more of recent spam actresses outdoors this week
im running out of money and sweets over and over again
in the leisure centre
then today
top secret underground carpark
its an axe , how long do you think shes got
just a checkup and you dont have to do it
see what the vet says
n i say if its possible its happening
word jam : the time loop
L Tryptophan hit
keep a word add a word drop a word
she cant help the double post ?
i go back and change it when that happens
spoils the magic
when someone redirects it
neuroscience my arse !
its just cutting corners
n truth be told i cant remember
having sex with guy no 3
i have maternal feelings
but not broody
with myself and no 2
its like a fairytale thing with no substance
n yeah me too
k so i often get memories of guy no 3
especially when we had just met
it was winter and the snow seemed really magical
and that stillness that you get with snow
the holly berries outside his door
n it was cold inside with no heating
just the cooker and an electric bar heater
on which he made toast
and basil tea will trigger memories
and a pot of rice and baked beans with ginger in it
i remember the love thing
more than the sex thing
now we have some sort of an open relationship
but only as far as cyber sex is concerned
n theres thick black cloud all day today
n not everyone wants a normal family life
the borking set up ?
nah because people will be queuing up
wanting me to be made to do this and that for them
by the same method
so no im not listening to that
n guy no 4 got some great tracks as well !
but theyre all puppetteered but the author
k guy no 3
when you say that nothing much has happened to me
it just gets my back up really
you dont know what has happened to me
but im old enough to appreciate the oldy worldy stuff
n this is a poetry blog
not a manifesto !
i open my arms to the universe
n some of his ladies attack me
n i must hug them
so apparently im a porn star !
movies of myself and other girls
in their place of safety
abuse of vulnerable adults
high level porn
n theres a big eye looking at me
attached to a younger person
my organs have been mangled
im a jukebox
my soul has been hammered out on the anvil
boom crrraaaaack !
the tubes are crushed like accupuncture
wrung out like a flannel
takes me all night to get to bed
my ego is annihilated
and i feel a deep peace
completely satisfied
the second one was like a black hole
a complete car crash
impaled on a piece of glass
thrashing about
like the crack of an earthquake
more in the coccyx
hits you at the back of your spine
like a spaceship
blowing up the glands
i get turned on
by his confidence as well as his insecurities
there is this indoor confidence
n the visual aspect
a great Saturday night feeling !
being opened up and blown apart
like a frogs belly rises
sitting on a lotus
n its reverse psychology
is what they dont understand
n reverse reverse
like a hydraulic press
n music is playing my chakras like a harp
ringing bells in my head n this is health
even though im really dead
its wringing through my heart
n everything is open and alive
my heart is throbbing
n to be hones i can be quite unwell
after blowing my brains out
the violence im getting from the top
is just as bad as the violence i got from the bottom
n shes created some sort of sexual surrogate for him
but please note that i am single
and sharing the contents of my head
n this is the trouble with a time loop
Friday 9 October 2020
Thursday 8 October 2020
Wednesday 7 October 2020
081020
k so i often get memories of guy no 3
especially when we had just met
it was winter and the snow seemed really magical
and that stillness that you get with snow
the holly berries outside his door
n it was cold inside with no heating
just the cooker and an electric bar heater
on which he made toast
and basil tea will trigger memories
and a pot of rice and baked beans with ginger in it
there was a strong physical attraction
but more of a love thing than a sex thing really
071020
I do believe these things can go on
and was one reason for my hospitalisation
according to your article
its possible for someone to plant an abusive image on your computer
and make it look like you requested it
and I'm not sure a firewall would protect against that
if its all in internet data
and in this way obedience could be maintained
with a technocratic dictatorship
something that criminal defence lawyers
would need to look into
we could lose our humanity
nobody would be allowed to make any mistakes
n this has also to do with guy no 2
n i can see how we might look like a couple
but what about on the inside
with us both being in love with other people ?
071020
author keeps complaining
that there are ugly unattractive people about
who are being neglected and ignored
' by the attractive people '
so who is unattractive then ?
there is no need to make that judgmenet
about herself or about others
and what with all the diversity these days
what is it to look normal ?
Tuesday 6 October 2020
061020
im not currently in love with guy no 3
but we share many values
n it would be nice
not to have celebs chasing after me
we went out when we were young
in things did not go well
but the passion was there
n he says relevant things
that nobody else says
and nb i have never corrected anyones grammar
i dont even know much about it !
n has only one identity in each location
n this is a poetry blog
not a manifesto !
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