jupitersterrain four

230715 

I saw all at once all the things i have done to my father -

blaming him for my mothers suicide

breaking off contact with him for 3 years

withholding love

blaming him for my being forcibly medicated

accusing him of snobbery 

because he didn't like my then violent boyfriend in my twenties

one time i posted his Christmas present back to him ... 

a lovely jumper he had picked for me

and last year he had shingles and i shouted at him and put the phone down

because i thought he was colluding with the psychiatrist

*************************

and in spite of all that he talks like he is devoted to me

he tells me he loves me and sometimes cries on the phone

and was so delighted last autumn 

when i made the journey to London to see him

and to play music together

its only now i am 51 i can really appreciate what family means

and what an extraordinary love that could survive all that !