jupitersterrain four

pm





I was saying about my day out with Sunny and Max ...

when i left Max didn't seem to want a hug

so i said bye and left them

and he ran after me for a hug , it was really touching.

Earlier that afternoon he told me that his aunty Louise is happily married ...

the expression on his face at these times

spoke to me of that feeling from childhood ...

'why aren't we all one big happy family ... '

Sunny and I both had these feelings very strongly as children

and used to cry painfully when people had to leave

either because i had to leave, or my dad had to leave

after going on holiday with him ...



Im feeling a sense of gratitude this evening

i have had counselling today , which was hard won

after years of campaigning for more support

this is going well i think

we got to some core issues ...



and I've also remembered 

how my family came through for me when i was unwell ...

not just Dad ... Dad, Ben and my stepmother Joyce

they all cried on the phone for me

and Sunny made an impassioned speech 

about what i was doing to people that love me ...

i feel overwhelmed by how extraordinary this was

i just felt completely worthless at the time and wanted to end it all.



Im not sure if I'm feeling excited or manic

i remember you saying that Americans and Australians

are more expressive of their excitement ...

they jump up and down a whoot in a way that we are too reserved for ...

and i fear being positive and excited

because i feel it will lead to punishment etc etc.



but i do feel gratitude ...

Sunny and I have exchanged some compliments on email since Saturday

he said that he and Max are lucky to have such a caring auntie ...

me ... a caring auntie !!!

I've really come a long way for someone to say that about me ...


its a stormy night here in Lewes

hopefully with serenity ...