290221

better too tight than too loose ! 

 

 

 

 

280221

the healing energy of mother night 

 

 

 

 

270221

baby mother had virussy perfume sprayed 

into the fridge aisles of the supermarket 

which has made me catch it 

it was in the fridge aisle 

because thats furthest away from the staff 

the smell was so strong it must have been freshly sprayed 

from a dark haired ladys sleeve 

 

 

 

 

270221

if you want commitment 

be sure to raise that before anything else ... 

 

 

 

260221

the cam girl says i sound incoherent on my course 

i think she hopes that will be self fulfilling 

 

 

 

260221

if i cant switch off, then i cant switch on ! 

 

 

260221

night Wilma ! 

 

 

 

 

260221

 

Nic this evening attacked a vulnerable friend of mine

on her goodnight thread 

as her way of competing for guy number 6 

and showing once again that she thinks mental health is not that important 

compared to struggles in other parts of the world 

 

Nic and Row have something in common ... 

 

 

 

 

260221

Rowlinson is a man i had a one night fling with in 2014

when i was very unwell with my mental health 

i was not in love with him and i did warn him of that 

he is now on the forum harrassing me with details of the encounter 

in the hope of putting off other men 

aided by Chucky who shares his forum identities 

 

 

 

 

 

250221

im proud of you too 

reason is youre not afraid to be vulnerable 

which is actually a great strength 

 

 

 

 

240221

Chucky sends spam actors and actresses 

to harrass me outside the supermarket 

with performances and music 

he is hoping to desexualise me 

 

 

 

 

 

word jam : valentines in lockdown

220221

some of these words are actually illegal
which is why I hesitate to clarify them

if they were shouted at me in the street
I could report it to the police if I wanted to as hate speech

because laws have been made
not to be offensive to minority groups

The following types of posts are likely to be edited or deleted:
Posts containing personal insults, attacks, innuendo, attempts at provocation, or flaming;
Sexist, racist, ageist, homophobic, transphobic, or disablist posts; "

and on youtube there is a way of reporting hate crime against a protected group
they have a report button for that , which I have used

its a reportable hate crime, and cyber crime

it should also be possible on a debate thread
for different opinions to co-exist,
so the freedom of speech card applies to most opinions
unless they break any laws

I think there is a handful of words that are pretty much illegal
in any context these days and again I'm not going to write them here !

especially words relating to the physically disabled
which people use out of fear
to dismiss the disabled person

same is said of homophobic insults
it is said that people use them because they are afraid

I have had that shouted at me in the street

n yeah having that shouted at you on the bus
is especially hard if you have nobody to talk to about it
sometimes I can find someone to talk to me
other times they are all busy

I'm sorry these things have happened to you
and that you also did not receive help
its true that they don't bother with people until there is
some life threatening situation that they can observe

so today I had enough of hearing someone call themselves
a b****y n****r in a support group for support and emotional wellbeing
this was on zoom, so I said something about it in the zoom chat box

well the whole meeting went quiet
and people had trouble sharing after that I think
which to me suggests they would all like to go on using these kinds of words !

we would not speak like that about any other protected group,
racial groups , physically disabled, homosexuals,
and yet somehow the abuse around mental health lingers ...
its also a way of avoiding sharing their real struggles
to just label themselves that way
without a thought for those who might have been in hospital with it

battles have been fought , sacrifices made and laws passed

on youtube you can report people for hate speech for instance
or if such words are used in a work place

I don't feel the need to spell out the words on here

210221

Nic is not welcome to read my blog

or to source material from it 

reason being she is very hateful and discriminatory towards me 

if i find her using my stuff i will re-post it to show where she found it 

there are thoughts going on in your head hun write them down i dare you !

 

 

 

210221

a spam actress was sent into my alanon meeting 

to deliver swearing and hate speech about mental health 

if that was in the street i could report that to the police 

she also delivered the idea that we are responsible 

for repairing the relationship with the alcoholic not him  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

200221

Nic is not welcome to read or use the material on this blog 

 

 

 

 

190221

I think currently with the lockdowns and stuff
you would pm people for a long time
and if you come to trust them in time you might go on to email
but most people you meet online you would not go to email with

everyone gets burned, its what all the songs are about !

 

 

 

 

190221

 

course i could do something special 

like a spiced shepherds pie 

or something ive invented like a ghost soufflee 

 

 

 

 

 

170221


I just got up from the computer to get a snack and a coffee
and realised I could make two trips for that !

one for the snack and one for the coffee ( exciting times ! )
so as to stretch my legs more often
because its easy to just sit here for 2 hours chatting

I also noticed that while watching tv one reaches for the remote
and I can feel my stomach muscles pulling when I reach over
so I could do that movement more often instead of lying there !

what if these micro movements added up

 

180221

we can be in this storm together today 

we can go shelter in a barn ! 

 

were huddled and soaking wet in this barn 

 

 

 

 

180221

the phone call was a nightmare actually

and I'm having a bit of a melt down !

its the benefits one it has really screwed me up 

 

yes you can complain 

I feel like I'm in a nasty storm  

but it will distract me to hear about someone else

180221

Nic is not welcome to read my blog 

 

 

 

180221

given im now in some doubt 

maybe the committee are right after all 

 

 

 

 

180221

funny because Lloyds bank have used spiritual music as well
there is just something about lusting after a car
which really offends me





 

180221

you know and i have something really stressful on tomorrow 

and i dont need all this grief all the time 

 

 

 

 

180221

so Chucky took him 

its not repairable im sick of him judging me 

like Chucky i will never be able to have a relationship  

because of Chucky dedicating himself to ruining it 

 

 

 

 

 

180221

 

she waits until its a couple of posts down before taking it 

for instance Nic has been sourcing sexual material from this blog 

and guy number 6 is enchanted 

he just doesnt notice it was my stuff 

and very soon it wont be about him

180221

i find guy number 6

if there is a disagreement between myself and another person 

he always takes the other persons part 

especially if its a female that is younger than me 

fair enough, he is younger than me he is too young 

 

 

 

 

180221

so not engaged ... 

back in the dating game where i can date who i like 

k the balls in your court ... 

 

 

 

 

 

 140221

from 2006

wired to the motherboard 

170221

contortions 

 

 

 

170221

chucky is on the warpath 

 

 

 

word jam : valentines in lockdown

 140221

word jam : valentines in lockdown

 

well like someone shouts ' mental case '
in the streets for instance

I find that sort of thing damaging

words like basket case, retard etc
should not be acceptable these days  

funny thing is that political correctness
has nothing to do with politics ha ha

sometimes I wonder if I could stretch to a trans female
in terms of attraction

I find that its a romantic ice breaker
to say something self depreciating
to open with my lack of confidence and my worthlessness
it puts the other person at ease  

its a way of melting the space between us   
 
i feel like ive got no head no brain
running around like a headless chicken
n i cant work
because everything is too much for me
and its my fault
n im worth nothing 
 
sea sick

I find it a bit of a struggle myself
to focus on my nether regions  
but I'm sure its important art work they are dong
 
screwed up
 
and all the latests protests worldwide
have something in common
in that they are people threatened by the large corporations

I find the current climate 
is that its considered old fashioned
to be just straight down the line 


with old school conditionings with it 



I can't get into the idea of being gay 


but I do like men wearing womens clothes , make up etc 



I don't like ' being the man ' 


but I can get into being a dominant woman  


just to ring the changes 

taking the initiative with a man


when I was at school we use to do it for a dare ! 


other times its good to keep me trap shut !
 
cats go through a kind of cat ceremony
where you have to prove worthy of acceptance !

gritting my teeth
 
do you like dishing the dirt ?
do you like wearing womens clothes ?

I've seen fellows harassed mercilessly
because they have started some voluntary work
or are paying a part of their benefits

most schizophrenics don't have the support they would need
in order to hold down a job

spam actresses were sent
to tell me to get out of the way !

burning witches
 
abrasive , friction
 
not a performance
 
a pink lady apple
spiralling

magma

i look like a baby thats scrunched up its face
ready for a tantrum

i look like im being strangled , choking
in the throes of the grip of death  
gasping my last 
 
the elation led to a dangerous episode

160221

I always get hurt in romantic relationships, 

because there is a lot at stake I think 

when you are in one 

and both partners become insecure and run away

I do have therapy yes I can't do without a therapist 

I mean where would I take my confidential issues ?

I take each day as it comes , my energy levels vary

and are much less than that of a normal person

so im asleep a lot of the time

I've assumed you are male because of the avatar 

but the name is a woman name. 

But I think you are male is that right ?

just so I know which boundary framework I'm in !

160221

i look like im having water poured over my head 

and im shaking my hair and spitting  

 

 

 

 

 

160221

I feel passionately that the disabled can have a love life !
its all in the mind anyway !

160221

your puzzle sounds really creative !
especially as love is a mystery

I did not send any direct messages no
I just chatted to friends about how my love life is going !

160221

thats an emotional story and well written

especially that you couldn't tell your Ma what had happened
must be hard for a little guy
to feel he has to be ' tough ' all the time





 

160221

sounds like you need to ' thaw out ' gt

wrap yourself in a blanket and get cosy with the tv or music

160221

im a bit of a wally sometimes 

 

 

 

 

150221

Valentines day deosnt have to be about one person 

 

 

 

150221

im here to represent other values 

he talks in riddles until im out of my skull 

n yous can all do the same if youd listen to yourselves 

sticky knickers 

hes my muse 

 

 

 

150221

dizzy blonde 

like ive never struggled with anything 

n he actually does have some equity ! 

 

 

 

 

150221

im a bit ditzy arent i 

 

 

150221

 

k well maybe not woke i am going off the term 

but politically correct yes 

becaue i think its important not to be racist, sexist , disablist etc 

and people who dont think thats important 

really want to bait others into an abusive argument 

150221

sky diving is one of the last things on my bucket list
and I'm not allowed to do it ! well not currently anyway
so I thought id make a thread about it
see if it can come true

im not allowed to do it because I have had episodes of psychosis
or have I ?
in the light of recent research I might not have done
because researchers are now looking at whether we can speak to delusional thoughts
instead of medicating them in some cases

so it may be that in a couple of years time I will be officially off my meds
with the sanctity of the doctors approval , possibly

well I just saw someone on Alan Davis Untitled
she did a sky dive and I've not heard this part before
she enjoyed being pushed out of the plane and the free fall at the beginning
then apparently when the parachute goes up
you are woodshed upwards like in a very fast lift !
and she vomited over the instructor !

and then when she landed she passed out !

150221

i look pretty ugly when i have a climax 

spitting venom 

n the devil comes out of me 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

150221

poetic justice

 

 

 

150221

 

most of my boyfriends

had mental health issues 

theyd look a bit wierd , maybe a bit nerdy / geeky  

with a wicked sense of humour and loads of personality 

 

 

 

 

150221

 

like that exercise clench and release  

all the muscles in my body  

i reach through our pain 

to hold your hand

140221

xanadus x rated x box 

 

 

 

 

word jam : valentines in lockdown

 

well like someone shouts ' mental case '
in the streets for instance

I find that sort of thing damaging

words like basket case, retard etc
should not be acceptable these days  

funny thing is that political correctness
has nothing to do with politics ha ha

sometimes I wonder if I could stretch to a trans female
in terms of attraction

I find that its a romantic ice breaker
to say something self depreciating
to open with my lack of confidence and my worthlessness
it puts the other person at ease  

its a way of melting the space between us   
 
i feel like ive got no head no brain
running around like a headless chicken
n i cant work
because everything is too much for me
and its my fault
n im worth nothing 
 
sea sick

I find it a bit of a struggle myself
to focus on my nether regions  
but I'm sure its important art work they are dong
 
screwed up
 
and all the latests protests worldwide
have something in common
in that they are people threatened by the large corporations

I find the current climate 
is that its considered old fashioned
to be just straight down the line 


with old school conditionings with it 



I can't get into the idea of being gay 


but I do like men wearing womens clothes , make up etc 



I don't like ' being the man ' 


but I can get into being a dominant woman  


just to ring the changes 

taking the initiative with a man


when I was at school we use to do it for a dare ! 


other times its good to keep me trap shut !
 
cats go through a kind of cat ceremony
where you have to prove worthy of acceptance !

gritting my teeth
 
do you like dishing the dirt ?
do you like wearing womens clothes ?

I've seen fellows harassed mercilessly
because they have started some voluntary work
or are paying a part of their benefits

most schizophrenics don't have the support they would need
in order to hold down a job

spam actresses were sent
to tell me to get out of the way !

burning witches
 
abrasive , friction
 
not a performance
 
a pink lady apple
spiralling

magma

i look like a baby thats scrunched up its face
ready for a tantrum

i look like im being strangled , choking
in the throes of the grip of death  
gasping my last 
 
the elation led to a dangerous episode

140221   16.49 

im going to make this song later today ... 

140221

well like someone shouts ' mental case ' in the streets for instance

I find that sort of thing damaging

words like basket case, retard etc
should not be acceptable these days

140221

well because I'm very into political correctness
but am a bit central politically
not that I'm very much ' politically ' at all really
I find it all a bit fanatical sometimes

funny thing is that political correctness
has nothing to do with politics ha ha

 

 

 

140221

sometimes I wonder if I could stretch to a trans female
in terms of attraction





 

140221

I find that its a romantic ice breaker
to say something self depreciating
to open with my lack of confidence and my worthlessness
it puts the other person at ease

and I can always fall back on that again
if the romance gets stuck

its a way of melting the space between us

 

 

 

 140221

 

130221 / 140221

 

you violated my holy place with your war games    

 

i look like a baby thats scrunched up its face 

ready for a tantrum

i look like im being strangled , choking 

in the throes of the grip of death  

gasping my last  

 

 

 

 

 

 

140221

I felt elated when I came off them

and my mood went up and up over a few years

to the point where I was in a dangerous episode 

130221

i look like im being strangled 

choking in the throes of death 

gasping my last 

 

 

 

 

130221

they seem to have settled on the term ' cis woman '
to describe someone born as a woman
which doesn't sound very nice !

not sure that has to do with the left though
is political correctness of the left ?

I think women and trans women need to work together on this
for instance over the use of women toilets
a trans woman should in my opinion have some kind of certification
from a doctor before she is allowed to use women toilets

because of incidents where that right was abused ...
a trans woman should be concerned not to put her sisters at risk

 

 

 

130221

the world is not real
because we have some influence over it
which comes from our minds


 

100221

i feel like ive got no head no brain 

running around like a headless chicken 

n i cant work 

because everything is too much for me 

and its my fault 

n im worth nothing 

 

 

 

 

130221

sea sick 

 

 

130221

Rokudenashiko

I suppose its more convenient to use your own

there are western artists working on this as well
such as Tracey Emin and Natasia Demetriou

I find it a bit of a struggle myself to focus that way
but I'm sure its important work





 

130221

 

screwed up 

 

 

 

120221

but all the latests protests worldwide 

have something in common 

in that they are people threatened by the large corporations 

 

 

 

 

 

120221

thats interesting because last I saw of Thunberg 

she was co-operating with the pandemic measures

in such a way, she was seeing some good in it

in terms of how the world might change

the protests in India are supported by western governments it seems

unlike similar protests in our own countries

yes that seems to be what its about

farm production being increasingly taken over by large corporations

one of the farmers said he may as well die at the protests

rather than die on his farm

110221 / 120221

I find the current climate
is that its considered old fashioned to be just straight down the line
whatever that means, or if you have traces of old school conditionings with it

I can't get into the idea of being gay
but I do like men wearing womens clothes , make up etc

I don't like ' being the man '
but I can get into being a dominant woman sometimes
just to ring the changes


kind of tutti fruity thats interesting B

not sure I can stretch that far
but I do sometimes enjoy taking the initiative with a man

when I was at school we use to do it for a dare !

other times its good to keep me trap shut !

 

 

 

 

110221

im not able to exercise enough 

to really get off properly 

waiting the results of a scan 

 

 

 

 

 

110221

peer mentoring

we're encouraged to seek help from the course tutors
so I said I'm finding it difficult to switch off from the course
which makes it difficult to switch back on to the course
when I can't get a break from it

I've asked if we might talk about this during a class at some point
see if anyone else has the same thing going on

get some tips from each other

 

110221

k she was showing me some body language on zoom though
she is going through a kind of cat ceremony
where you have to prove worthy of acceptance ! 

i think the other cat might have instructed her to vet me !

 

 

 

110221

think i will buy some butterfly pants 

i had to steer a bit with this one 

Madame Butterfly 

gritting my teeth

 

 

 

110221

magma

 

 

100221

do you like dishing the dirt ? 

do you like wearing womens clothes ? 

 

 

 

100221

the freedom of speech card

every now and then the powers that be
have a drive to get the disabled back to work to save money

they discover afresh that it costs more to get them back to work
than it does to pay their benefits
so it then closes down the opportunities and gives up on them
taking away useful workshops and study schemes

I've seen fellows harassed mercilessly
because they have started some voluntary work
or are paying a part of their benefits

100221

most schizophrenics don't have the support they would need
in order to hold down a job

and why would they want to ?
working is not the only ethical value in life







 

100221

baby mother sent spam actresses to the supermarket 

to tell me to get out of the way ! 

 

 

 

 

100221

awww im so sorry to hear that
counsellors are all about welcoming your tears
your sad feelings and your happy ones too

its just like the sunshine needs the rain !







 

100221

burning witches 

 

 

 

 

090221

the snow is so romantic 

reminds me of another relationship i was in 

 

 

 

 080221

abrasive , friction

 

 

 

 080221

performance 

 

 

 

 

070221

ha ha well usually a cat likes a ruffly furrs

which makes a rumbly purrs !

 

070221

desexualised 

 

 

 

 

 

070221

I hope you will hold on and wait for people to help you here
since you have taken the trouble to join ...

your value does not only lie in getting back into work
not everyone is able to do that
I don't think I will ever be able myself
and I've learned to value myself in other ways

have a think about what you enjoy in life apart from work
and who and what you value for yourself





 

070221

 

long long ago 

i was engaged to Chucky on the internet 

until i found he had a bit on the side in real life 

even though he insisted i was more important ! 

 

he fired something at the back window
n swerved off in a screeching car



 

 

 

 

 

060221 / 070221 

 

a pink lady apple 

spiralling 

word jam : forbidden fruit pie

its just evolution which floors me as well sometimes
the gold watch should be sold
and the profits divided amongst his slaves !

the earth stopped running under my bare feet
hypnotised in a rigid trance
i was locked inside a transparent coffin

eyes scrunched up tight
dizzy like my head will burst any minute
concentrating intensely

leaking paranormal energy

20s Vaudeville fringe theatre
suddenly i was bolt upright in my coffin
eyeballs hanging out
celebrating my release

the audience tightened the noose
a large buzzsaw severed me in two pieces

just an illusion

my body jerks out of the coffin like a jack in the box

boing

the head hanging from a spring
long as the organs creepy

making the head bang against the wood

long ago

sometimes you see couples who conflict all the time
if anything it adds to their fun

conflict is not always a fight 



I remember going to Amsterdam with this other guy 


we stayed on a barge while we studied dutch design for a project
and bickered over it the whole time 

 

 
I've been to quite a few interactive workshops 

and learned things like ' owning our own feelings ' 

' responding rather than reacting ' 

sheep dog wild chase the pandemic is a right wing coup
of ' shoulds '

but the organism worked itself out over the night !
like the smiler ride at Alton Towers

n everybody go oooh oooooh
n everybody go ahhhh ahhhh ahhhh
after work monkey session

an underground lake opened up
where magical energy is hidden , ahem,

n chuckys spams had cancelled each other out
he sent some rough guys to harrass me in town

i wonder what the future holds for us
with so much uncertainty
n so much stigma

n i dont really trust anyone

the neighbours could hear me
n children running about
so a difficult time for it and more to come

disorientated , stupefied

a space ship of white light

a scream that rang like 
chimes of shattered alien glass bells

sexual empaths

its this empathy thing
like as if my soul takes a photo
of the other persons soul
and I can read, that she had a bad childhood
she's been made to shut up , to get on with her work goals
has chronic insomnia acute anxiety and mental exhaustion

I wrote all that down and felt better for it
rather than my carrying it around all day

well sod it I'm giving some honest feedback in the written work 

 person who wrote this course doesn't understand how ill some people are 


and I'm not sure you could get much iller than I was

i think ' you will own nothing ' is the right wing taking the mick out of the left



now i today have been collecting some more music tracks 
that sound like love, 

like for instance Jimi Hendrix 

its the melting sound of guitar 
sounds 

like somoenes heart and soul melting into the music

Riders on the Storm is like to me it shows you through your depression
to the love on the other side of it
rather than running away from the depression 


and women get performance anxiety too 



forgetting that its all a form of communication at its best ...

I remember groups of us as teenagers
would sometimes get hold of a magazine or a video tape for a dare
and because it was funny and entertaining
and crack ourselves up laughing

in some ways it has been educational
in my life and entertaining the old school of porn
where you would go into an adult shop
what I mean is in recent years there is something more sinister
with instant web cam services , revenge porn etc

sure the new order
can accommodate some tax hikes babyholics

what can i put in a forbidden fruit pie ?
spanish oranges brie grapes
yoghurt , chocolate ,
raspberries strawberries redcurrents

from archives

060221

 

the earth stopped running under my bare feet 

hypnotised in a rigid trance  

i was locked inside a transparent coffin 

eyes scrunched up tight 

dizzy like my head will burst any minute 

concentrating intensely 

 

leaking paranormal energy 

20s Vaudeville fringe theatre 

suddenly i was bolt upright in my coffin 

eyeballs hanging out 

celebrating my release 

the audience tightened the noose

a large buzzsaw severed me in two pieces 

just an illusion 

 

my body jerks out of the coffin like a jack in the box 

 

boing 

 

the head hanging from a spring 

long as the organs creepy  

 

making the head bang against the wood 

050221

 

eyes scrunched up tightly 

dizzy like my head will burst 

intensely concentrating 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

archives

 

archives

 

050221

long ago 

 

 

 

 

050221

sometimes you see couples who conflict all the time
like say Jon Richardson and Lucy Beaumont
if anything it adds to their fun

050221

conflict is not always a negative thing , depending on how you see it
its not always a fight

like when I was at college we had to do sometimes a project in pairs
and the two of us would conflict hugely about the design
and it was all part of a creative process

I remember going to Amsterdam with this other guy
we stayed on a barge while we studied dutch design for a project

and some would argue that if you're not conflicting at all
then you're not being honest 

 

 

 

 

 

 050221

safeguarding issue 

 

 

050221

I've been to quite a few interactive workshops over the years
some of the conflict management, assertive techniques
and some of them in the mental health services too
and learned things like ' owning our own feelings '
' responding rather than reacting '

' voicing our feelings regardless of the reaction of the other person '
( which you can't possibly predict )
and learning when some thing is not your issue but the other persons

so we are really each in our own process with this
and attempts to interfere with another persons process
usually tend to backfire


 

050221

sheep dog 

 

 

 

040221

wild chase 

 

 

 

 040221

the pandemic is a right wing coup 

 

 

 

 

 040221

' shoulds ' 

 

 

 

030221

the organism worked itself out over the night ! 

 

 

 

 

 030221

this is like the smiler ride at Alton Towers 

 

 

 

 

020221 

serial 

020221

 

n everybody go oooh oooooh 

n everybody go ahhhh ahhhh ahhhh

after work monkey session  

an underground lake opened up 

where magical energy is hidden , ahem, 

 

n chuckys spams had cancelled each other out  

he sent some rough guys to harrass me in town 

 

i wonder what the future holds for us

with so much uncertainty 

n so much stigma 

n i dont really trust anyone  

the neighbours could hear me 

n children running about 

so a difficult time for it and more to come     

disorientated , stupefied 

 

a space ship of white light 

020221

so today I noticed I can see myself on zoom in action
doing the role plays and stuff
we are acting out being a peer mentor with each other

and at times I came across as a bit abrasive !
as if I was coming from the wrong place







 

 010221

its just evolution which floors me as well sometimes

the gold watch should be sold
and the profits divided amongst your slaves !

 

 

 

 

 2013

a scream that rang like 
chimes of shattered alien glass bells 

010221

well that was weird
because usually I'm quite good with technology
but this morning I had a three hour class
taught by someone with really difficult technology issues

and I caught it ! so my new smart phone arrives
and I can't work out what to do with it

its this empathy thing
like as if my soul takes a photo
of the other persons soul
and I can read, that she had a bad childhood
she's been made to shut up , to get on with her work goals
has chronic insomnia acute anxiety and mental exhaustion

I wrote all that down and felt better for it
rather than my carrying it around all day