jupitersterrain four

130521

im in some pain this evening

after clashing with my father a bit

over his addict / alcoholic son, my brother

in which i have turned down the invitation

to act as a go between

i believe i have done this kindly and without malice

and that my father has reacted badly to it

and has retaliated with some comments about my weight

in so many words

some ideas have popped into my head

as to how i could send another email to ease the pain

to pacify his feelings , but that is not kind

because right now he is probably grappling with his feelings

about his son, and his guilt about overloading me with it

i feel that i can feel his pain, but im trying to sit with it

rather than sending something to ease it

well not yet anyway

today i had the same request from a cousin who lives abroad !

how is Ben ? i said i dont know ive not spoken to him recently

would you like the contact details of the hostel !

i realise there is nothing nasty or accusatory in what i said

so big progress from my past

where i would have expressed all kinds of interpretations and scenarios about it !

thanks for listening it was helpful to have you sit with this as well !

ive offered to go to recovery meetings with him and he has been in rehab in hospitals

which didnt work for him as he is very committed to his lifestyle

he is pretty much treatment resistant

my Dad cant bear to have any contact with him

and over time other relatives have abandoned him as well

while expecting myself to keep in touch with him

which is not healthy for anybody

my family could not be organised into such a thing

they have all turned their backs on him

and im currently in a delicate process

of trying to encourage them to phone him themselves

rather than expecting me to do it

im also not well myself with one thing and another

and i cant save him on my own

ive got him into a very good hostel where there are trained staff

and i think thats all i can manage

hes been forced to go to meetings by the police like you said

but he actually just stood up in the meetings

and told them what he thought of them !

hes very dedicated to his belief in drugs over anything else

and he worships a guru linked to that

just to add to that, i have done little ' interventions ' on my own at times

i was thinking, i have cried to him and implored him to go to recovery

i have written his eulogy and handed it to him,

ive given him all the compliments i could think of

and ive rallied up relatives where i could

but in the end this programme teaches ' detachment '

and im exploring how important that is

because sometimes an alcoholic just feeds off intensity