jupitersterrain four

 190824 , 180824 

this blog is copyright of LIZARIKK

Any resemblance to reality is pure coincidence 

Harpies and identity thieves not welcome 

 not listening to intelligence in recovery meetings 

thankyou Dev and Scarey , ive lost half a stone !  

180824

k so i did in fact say id write an essay for my therapist about trauma and psychosis 

people now do not belive i have schizophrenia and the mystery is whether thats becuase of the medication , OR because of finally getting the right trauma therapy , 

which i should have had 40 years ago , after which i might not have developed psychosis , and how much government money would THAT have saved ! expensiive as therapy is surely a huge saving in the long run 

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and what is proper therapy like ? its kind of how you dreamed it , someone who is gentle and kind to you acknowledging your trauma and patiently giveing you the space to process it , a process which cannot be rushed , in fact ive seen this therapist for several years 

in the absense of that i was at the mercy of my peers and their own monster sized issues , always utterly alone standing up to the monster with no guidance , looking for help in self help book and some really wierd therapists 

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one of whom sat with her hand over her crutch and blamed everything on my Dad . Well he did have his faults ... but it turns out in my journey there was abuse on my mothers side of the family which he was not responsible for 

another therapist suggested i ' hire a stud ' ! because i expressed frustration about being single . Actually not sure if that comment was harmful and kind of cemented my singledom which might have been a good thing 

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and i got tips from my traumatised boyfriends like understanding ' shock ' , grief , joy and other emotions that id  not really experienced in childhood

Actually there were emotions in my childhood but not so vividly as I learned from the boyfriends 

My mothers mental illness and suicide left me with a guilt that has never taking the blame for other people's issues 

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The silver lining is access to the spirit world

So anyway this tendency to trauma bond means I had sex with some pretty dangerous people 

180824

trouble is Dev since wednesday ive sometimes found it difficult to orgasm which is leaving me feeling frustrated . i bought this really powerful vibrator which im worried has desensitised me  

one thing put me off was the word spaz from a guy 

n alot of the time im feeling like not getting myself started up with it

K pre ordered that book , it arrives on 29th . Could said she cursed me . I seem to be in a locked box ! 

how much notice do we give each other if we cant keep to our pact ? 

ive had a cushy life and can afford therapy ? erm no ive known poverty as well , ive been in a mental hospital

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i was on income support for many years and i lost teeth through malnutrition . but i always went out and sought help , free therapy , cut price therapy , day centres, churches, healers , whatever i could find 

 

now one of the reasons im on PIP is so i can afford therapy . its not easy to get these things .

Rape crisis centre is very good 

 

190824 so many things i cant say and dare not even write in my diary