jupitersterrain four

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oh yes and i forgot this bit ... cuddling him after 
i had hit him and trying to croon him 
to stop crying .. and then 
hitting him again when he wouldn't .... 

this is weird i remember a feeling of being 
very in control of everything as a 
child which might be illusory 

i was very confident and assured 
as if i knew what everyone needed and 
was very competent and even joked that this 
capacity would gradually diminish with age which it did ... 




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an it was well established 
that he would suck his fingers 
and i my thumb ... in fact he would 
chew his fingers till they have big red dents in them ... 

an had this kind of helpless look about him 
i was quite bossy i think as a big 
sister and he didn't really 
mind until he was about twelve ... 

an the curse of thirteen ... 






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